Boyfriend lied to me about getting banned from his gym

[ScarlettRunner]

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

We are talking about Op's BF making an inappropriate comment to a woman at the gym.
What anyone else of either sex has said to anyone else of either sex is irrelevant here
Unless we are saying because some women have made inappropriate comments to men at any point in human history OP's BF has carte blanche to speak to women like this

I think the ban is appropriate. So fed up of men who think they can make sleazy comments to women and get away with it. A woman literally can’t even work out in a gym without a man feeling he can make a ‘joke’ at her expense.

He probably already had a previous warning or three.

You can speak to women, just don't comment on their bodies unless you know them well enough to know they are comfortable with it.

Thanks all, my main issue is him not telling me. This is his first ‘proper’ relationship so I will talk to him about how it’s made me feel and that he should have been open with me.

The comment itself, I am satisfied from his explanations he meant no offence and it was clumsy at best. He certainly won’t be making that sort of remark again that’s for sure and he is genuinely remorseful.

I will obviously keep an eye on things moving forward but there has been no red flags to date and he’s been a total gentleman towards me in general, so fingers crossed things continue.

A stupid comment to make. Her word against his word. He should email the gym and explain he wants to give a written apology for what was said. And explain no offence was intended. There is a difference between a one off inappropriate comment and harassment. He can politely challenge the gym for cancelling his membership as a reaction to his words. He is hiding the cancellation due to embarrassment. Moving to another gym is acceptable but he has to differentiate between serial harrasser and inappropriate words to defend himself.

He says he wouldn’t want to go back given how he was treated, so it’s best for all involved he has moved on.

Good luck, OP.

It's his 'first proper relationship'?

Maybe he is just hugely socially inept rather than just really unpleasant.

But, either way, what are you getting or going to get out of a relationship with a man where such an everyday activity turns into such a drama because he's so inappropriate fundamentally?

Probably just laugh and get on with my life

It was a foolish unkind remark

It wasn't unkind.

You clearly don't understand contemporary body trends and fitness trends ...nor lots of men's views of women's bodies if you think it was unkind.

He was backhand complimenting her and expressing that his attention was on her body, specifically her arse.

The op has confirmed she has an amazing figure. He wasn't being unkind. He was being something else entirely.

I didn't ask you what you would do.

I asked you what you would think.

lol. How he was treated? Poor little lamb. It’s actually really concerning that he sees himself as a victim in this, rather than taking accountability and being remorseful at his behaviour.

Not best for the women at his new gym, unfortunately.

I would feel mortified and deeply uncomfortable if some random man started commenting on my arse when I was in the gym. It’s sleazy and it doesn’t sound like he realises that.

Just yuck. I can't stand men that think it's OK to comment on what a woman is doing in the gym. It's already such a zoo type atmosphere with people flexing everywhere, cocking and preening etc.

I hope it helps him grow up a bit and I'm pleased he was banned.

There really is no need for anyone to be talking to anyone else in the gym. It's like the Tube FFS, just don't speak to anyone and avoid eye contact.

I might be there but I sure as hell don't want to socialise and I don't want your inner most thoughts shared with me either. So yes. I'm not that woman nor would I complain but someone saying something to me like that would mean I wouldn't really want to go back to the gym myself. So he really isn't the victim here. Tell him to get a grip and be more supportive next time. By saying fuck all.

Urgh. Grim. Creepy. If he (and others) are adamant it was ‘just a joke’ and an ‘overreaction’, then would he have said it to a bloke? A teenager? An OAP? In front of you? In front of her partner? Etc. Why do women have to put up with this shit and somehow balance on the tightrope of whether things are an overreaction? He made her uncomfortable with an inappropriate comment that he lied to you about and that the gym decided to ban him for - he was evidently watching her to be able to make this unsolicited comment. And for the gym staff to say what they said is grim too. She’s done nothing wrong and yet gets labelled a trouble maker while he’s some sort of victim. SMH!

Great decision by the gym. No doubt she laughed it off because she was scared and uncomfortable. Good on her for reporting it!

It sounds like she's posting fitness videos?

I'm sure you're not suggesting she deserves to be sexually harassed at the gym because she posts content to social media but some people on here do seem to be veering that way.

There has been so many threads lately on the same theme- men saying inappropriate sexual stuff about OP's friends or random women.

We know this shit happens all the time, but there just seems to be more of these threads recently. It makes me wonder why.

I am shocked that a member of staff would have risked their job by moaning about the woman who made the complaint. That seems almost unbelievable.

What a load of nonsense. It was a grim, inappropriate remark.

Also, it's not the most positive of comments is it?

"I thought your legs were going to split" It's quite judgemental - saying really I thought you looked crazy, ridiculous, nuts, uncomfortable, ouch etc.

Instead he could have

a) said nothing
b) said something positive like "wow, you're amazing" or "wow, you have such control, I'm impressed".

But instead he had to come out with a 'joke' which was actually pretty demoralising. No way. FFS, learn the gym etiquette and grow up. What an eejit is all I can say.

Good form is the standard compliment in the gym

This is just a rephrasing of 'she was asking for it'. Victim blaming, misogynistic bullshit.

What he said was a creepy sexual comment

Just because you gratefully accept any comment, however disgusting, made to you by random sleazy men doesn't mean that other women would.

You do you. Leave other women to hold themselves in better esteem and regard for themselves.

I don't think you've read my post properly.

You've got completely the wrong end of the stick.

Pay attention to the last sentence in particular "He was being something else entirely,"

He fully deserves to be banned. He had been caught perving over her arse, decided to make it ‘bants’, and make out like she can’t take a joke when she clearly wasn’t impressed at his attention.
What a prince.