Boyfriend lied to me about getting banned from his gym

[ScarlettRunner]

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

I don't think it's neccassirily an offensive comment, it sounds misjudged, if this is a one off I wouldn't worry about it

go to the gym, and compare the workout of people just getting on with it

and people "working out" to post it on social media. It's pretty obvious which is which.

I wasn't there, but the fact that she's posting her "workouts" on social media trying to get followers is quite telling.

Agree

Typical 'nice' guy, eh? Not so nice about women, really....

He also showed me a message to him from one of the staff who basically said the woman who complained is a known pain in the arse and she wouldn’t have let it go if he wasn’t banned. The message said the staff found the comment funny as it was clearly a joke…

That doesn't make it any better, in fact, imo it makes it worse. A pretty crappy culture in there thinking that's okay to say to women, especially women you don't know and/or like.

she has got a stunning figure

I'd imagine she gets plenty of come-ons and is probably a bit sick of it.

And her interpretation of your bf's comment as a come-on is not remotely unreasonable.... because it was a completely unnecessary personal comment specifically about her arse and the material covering it.

I'd guess he didn't tell you about the incident and lied about why he changed gym because he thought you'd think he'd been coming into her/chancing his arm with her. Which tbh may have been.

He's been forced to tell you and spin it as best he can by outside intervention as such.

Picture a burly guy, sports attire straining as he squats in preparation for a heavy lift .. do you think he would have had the balls to say .. “whoa I thought you had shit yourself there mate” ? Thought not. At best he’s a ‘look at me’ joker who doesn’t know when to stop. At worst, he’s a twat. How would you feel if someone made a disparaging personal comment to you? Your move.

You are defending him by saying he said it to the ‘wrong person’.

Its not a big deal, women have no sense of humour these days, it wasn't that bad, I've had worse, women need to learn to stand up for themselves, should have just told him to get lost
The same sort of shite that MIL came out with to defend her partner when he sexually assaulted a member of the family

‘woman concerned was a "known pain in the arse"?

Singularly inappropriate given the context!

Telling of what exactly?

That sounds very much like victim blaming.

Many people on here seem oblivious to trends in gyms today.

One example may help.

'I was booted out the gym for staring at a woman and being 'creepy' - but I'm blind' - The Mirror

The problem I'd have with all of this is the fact he lied to you. Yes, he would have looked like a pratt for making his ill-judged joke but better a pratt than a liar!

Looks like the INCELS have descended.

his ill-judged joke.

His I'll judged joke that revealed he was watching a woman's arse intently and wanted her to know he was doing so....... That's an interesting "joke".

I think it was inappropriate. But if that’s all there was to it, then I think it’s an overreaction by the gym. And here, if I may say so. We’re rapidly heading to a situation where we walk straight ahead, eyes fixed, in silence, for fear of upsetting people.

When men make comments like that they usually are sexually motivated or designed to assert superiority. In this instance he'd obviously been looking at her arse, to put it bluntly. But, even if they aren't about sex, it's the unbelievable entitlement of men to think they can pass comment at all. Apart from the innumerable sexual remarks I've had over the years, I wish I had a pound for every strange man who told me to "cheer up love, it might never happen" whilst walking along the street. Would you or any woman you know walk up to an unknown man and say something like that? If you feel there is now an unfair backlash then I'm afraid men have brought it on themselves.

Or just keeping our comments about a member of the opposite sex's body to ourselves?

I beg your pardon?

You are no better than the user I quoted.

Well that goes both ways doesn’t it ? And I’ve been in the company of women (not necessarily friends I might add) who have no problem with similar comments directed at men.

Whataboutery is an attempt to deflect and minimise.

We see you.

The context being that this woman complains incessantly about everything so that the gym have to ban BF otherwise they will never hear the end of it ?

No the context being that this woman was sexually harassed on their premises by another customer.

I think you have difficulty in understanding what whataboutery is. This is fact, not conjecture. And there are numerous threads on MN supporting the view that men making these comments is vile, but for women it’s absolutely fine. Double standard anyone ?

Ugh, this shit is why I won't do squats on the gym floor any more unless I can tuck myself away with my arse to a wall. People saying 'oh, it was just a misjudged comment', ask yourself if you would be comfortable to go on and do another set after someone had just said this to you? I certainly wouldn't. I'd be paranoid that someone was staring at my arse and worried about my leggings not being squat proof. Then I'd start over thinking my form and probably fuck it up. I just want to work out quietly and be FUCKING LEFT ALONE

It was a comment - misguided I agree. And the reaction is probably enough to not only make him think twice, but to never attempt a joke in the presence of women for fear of it being misconstrued. If this woman was so offended why did she laugh it off and then complain. She should have called him out at the time if it was so offensive.