Boyfriend lied to me about getting banned from his gym

[ScarlettRunner]

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

So she isn't a random gym goer. Turns out she has an Instagram page the bf knows about. She has a stunning figure and records herself so maybe an influencer type. I understand that some influencers can be awkward in gyms about their eqpt eg tripods but he basically tried it on and the gym don't want her posting about the inappropriate comments she received. Harsh lesson but maybe he can keep quiet in future.

This - I already feel self conscious enough without having to worry that some man is going to make a comment. Gyms need to be safe spaces for women, or else we need to call them out on it.

Do you think your pals are close enough and the lads honest enough to say ‘yes he deserved it’?

If he’d been willing to repeat the comment to you, I’d have had faith that it was innocent / misconstrued. The fact that he made up a lie about changing gyms as it was busy, rather than telling you about the ridiculous injustice of being kicked out, suggests that he knows the comment he made wasn’t appropriate. I think the issue isn’t if it was a membership-cancelling kind of comment: it’s more about if it was a comment appropriate for a man (and one a in relationship) to be making to a stranger who is quietly getting on with her gym session. He knows it was a bit letchy. That’s why he lied.

Who told you to stfu?

Do you mean my post where I said he needs to learn to stfu?

He does need to learn to stfu.

There's no anger behind that, on my part. It's just a colloquialism.

(And your accusation of "anger" seems like you're using a typical strategy for undermining someone i.e. you're angry .... hence you must be irrational, projecting etc.).

Anyway, personally I think it sounds like he was coming onto her.

So you have that problem, as much as the fact he's verbally inappropriate.

It wasn't a nice comment but nor was it a big deal. I'll vote over-reaction.

What's it matter now, though? I hope he likes his new gym well enough.

This is a real 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them' moment.
Your boyfriend

A) is clearly hitting on other women when the opportunity arises- I can gaurauntee he's doing it regularly and this just happens to be the first time he hasn't gotten away with it

B) lied to you about it to cover his own arse. For those dismissing the nature of his comment- do you think he would dare say that in fron of the woman's boyfriend, or in front of the OP if she was there to see it? Not bloody likely.

C) is clearly only regretful about what happened because you found out and being banned from the gym is an inconvenience. No remorse whatsoever about the poor woman he made uncomfortable.

You deserve better. How mortifying for you to have a boyfriend who pervs on women to the extent he's been banned from a public space.

I would get rid and in time you'll look back and realize you've dodged a bullet.

@ScarlettRunner Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

That's just creepy as f-uck. He lied to you because he knows he did something wrong, what else is he lying about?

Please reconsider your relationship with this creep.

@StrawberryDream24you and I both have expressed the sentiment that he (and men like him) should STFU: the OP seems to be taking issue with this position.

I think the women on here defending the gym and minimising what he said, and the staff response is bloody awful.

Why should women put up with this shit. Why was he watching her bum at all.

I'm glad he was banned, it isn't an overreaction.

Would he watch a man squat and comment on his arse? Why not?

How many women are allowed to be upset about it before it’s ‘too many?’
And specifically what number of comments, and at what distance does she have to deal with before she has the ‘right’ to complain?

Yup.

on what planet is it ok for a man to go over and make a comment like that. Clearly a man who has been watching her but and thinking of her pants splitting. Also the type of creep you would avoid everywhere and not just the gym.

Agree with all of this.

The lying, the lack of remorse. Ughh

Would he watch a man squat and comment on his arse? Why not?

This is it really.

Doubt he would have said that to a man and therein lies your answer.

It’s a hugely personal comment, indicating that he was staring at her bum. He sounds gross. Most decent men know not to say this stuff for goodness’ sake.

His intention isnt relevant here.

Its the impact on the recipent that is relevant and fortunately carries legal protection. And his words and actions are deemed as sexual harassment. Whats your number of comments that cross the line for this to qualify as sexual harassment then - if it isnt one? Do you apply this to other crimes?

Would it be 'jumping on a bandwagon" and acceptable to you to refer to someone as a pki or a ngger - if their intention was 'as a joke'? Would you have any consideration for the upset and distress caused to the recipient?

For those complaining about people (men) staring at her bum, what do you think she's posting on social media for people to watch? Look up scrunch bum leggings if you're not familiar with current gym wear.

Still, that kind of comment is going to get you banned at gyms and there may be nothing more that's happened.

No the gym did not overreact. Men like him are the reason women don’t go/stop going to the gym. Even purely from a a business standpoint, it makes more sense to ban one gross bloke than lose the custom of every woman he makes a sleazy “joke” comment to.

He can be laddy/jokey so I can imagine he’s just said something to the wrong person

‘Laddy’ behaviour is such a turn off. I bet he ‘jokes’ with his friends to the extent he is highly offensive, but hides it under the excuse of ‘banter’ too. I can see him being a sleaze at clubs to women.

This kind of man is exceptionally unattractive to me and I would be running a mile. OP, you can still get out.

So your fella goes to the gym to harass good looking women?

that is so embarrassing for you.

also really seems like you’re not bothered by his behaviour, calling him laddish and jokey. It’s not a joke and let’s not pretend like being laddish causes you to disrespect women like that.

Whatever she does on social media, it does not justify a man in real life coming up to her and making a sleazy comment. Stop with the victim-blaming.

these kinds of comments can be extremely unsettling for women. That includes cat-calling and wolf-whistling too. The sooner men realise this the better. It is just another attempt at power-play and it’s gross.

What the fuck have I just read?

And please don’t take your friends in real life saying the ban was too harsh, as reflective of their own true feelings. I would bet a good number of them deep down feel like he has been sleazy as well.