Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

what about installing a sun tunnel to bring natural light into the dark room

It's fine for them to share. Presumably they don't/won't always stay over on the same nights either. One is almost an adult. I agree with you.

BUT I think a separate playroom is unnecessary for children who have their own bedrooms in the context of this setup.

I think the issue here is that you shared, presumably as there was no alternative and you knew no different.

In this situation, the children also have another home with thier own rooms.

If you, as a teen, had a choice if a home where you had your own room, you may well have started to prefer that home stopped visiting the other home as much (alongside the spending time with friends)

The dad is feeling sad about that. He is wanting a space they want to visit. he's probably half hoping if they do go to uni, they chose to stay with him for a big chunk of thier holidays not just drop by for lunch.

I'm not saying spending all the savings on a loft conversion is right, I think thier are cheaper solutions buy its an emotion from the dad based on missing his children. He wants to make them want to be there when they have alternatives.

We don't have a massive flat, but as the children have got older, ours is the place that other children come to stay over at. I love this.

When you imagine what it will be like when your kids are teens, would you like to be the one hosting ? In which case, I'd do the conversion. It will encourage DSC to stay more, even have their friends over, and it will continue when your children are their ages- but you will also have more space.

Staying three nights a week is not exactly hardly ever being there. Maybe one day they might want to stay more nights or live there all the time - it is their father's home after all. I think it's admirable (and a totally normal reaction of a loving parent) that their father wants to improve things for them - you need to find a solution, loft extension or not. The fact other families have children sharing rooms is totally irrelevant - your own two don't, so the situation is not fair.

(You aren't selling hotel rooms, you don't make a loss from the unoccupied nights.)

I'd reconsider if there was a way to use the second reception room as a bedroom, TBH it's probably not going to be forever, possibly a few years at most and it won't take any structural work so therefore your DSC can still have some space of their own and it can easily be reverted back to a lounge in the future.

I think the loft conversion could be a waste of money, as you say the DSC are getting older, not stopping over so much so you may well find the loft room won't be used much once built anyway.
No point in having another room sat empty.

to be honest, was it not your husband’s responsibility to ensure he had a property big enough to house his children from previous relationship before having more children with yourself? It’s not your problem tbh. I agree that your children live there 100 percent of the time and I would prioritise them too.

A fifth bedroom in the loft doesn’t automatically mean the house has greater value. You will lose space on the main floor for stairs and storage space in the loft. If you don’t have proportional car parking (unless you are in a city or have good public transport) then that will also count against it.

could you not look at a garden room / snug that ‘could be used as a bedroom for one of them if they wanted to but mainly as a place to hang put to encourage them over - may not be as disruptive as a loft conversion, will benefit your children long term or you, and not nearly as costly. If done well it could add value. But that depends on the size of your garden.

I can see both sides but given the cost and disruption of a loft conversion would be keen to avoid this unless the likely increase in house value justified the work.

Really good Murphy bed in the downstairs room seems like the quickest and simplest solution. With the agreement that everyone else will only use the more open living/family area when it is needed as a bedroom.

Would it be feasible to alter the double bedroom by changing one window into two to ensure each part could have a window when it was divided. That would also be quicker and cheaper than the loft conversion.

Off topic, but 6 months? The neighbours behind have begun a loft conversion this week. It’s not directly behind but I’m hoping it won’t take 6 months! I’m sure it won’t, they work til almost 9pm, never seen anything like it!

OP I don’t blame you for your view on this, because I assume you don’t have enough parenting experience to know any better. Your have little kids. You don’t know that teenagers need their parents almost more than little kids. They don’t want to be in their pockets, but when they need them, they really need them. Just because the step children don’t come as often, it doesn’t mean it’ll continue like that. And making them share a room (when you do actually have other options) is making them feel unwelcome and surplus to requirements.

Imagine if your husband leaves you for another woman, and has a couple more kids in 10 years. Will you be happy for your kids to share a room when they don’t want to, while the shiny new kids have their own rooms?

🤦🏼‍♀️

Agree. I feel sorry for the father. He’s one of the rare examples of a father trying to do the right thing by his children in this sort of situation.

The pp about putting another window in is an excellent idea.

Spend a bit more and have the windows sorted too then. Put a second window in and make the room into two proper rooms. Will cost a bit but an awful lot less than a loft conversion.

Is this a joke?

It's more likely to change if you don't have adequate accommodation for them.

Cabin in the garden? I don't know if that solution would be cheaper. The 15 nearly 16 year old might like the independence it creates. Or I've seen an ikea hack where you use a storage unit in the middle of the room to create a temporary wall?

I'm sorry why?

So he knew what size house he had and knew 4 kids = someone having to share…

Everyone will have their own view, mine is that having older siblings share and younger having their own room sends a very clear message to the DSC and I can't blame them for wanting less time there.

We chose a house big enough to have all dc having their own room and yes, this means one has the extra reception room and we manage with a lounge diner. Personally losing a reception room is the best option here. The 16yo WILL likely reduce his time there in time for other reasons, then you can convert it back.

The self esteem and wellbeing of the kids is more important than savings, than having less downstairs space and pretty much anything else in my opinion. I grew up in a home where kids and step kids weren't treated the same and believe me the damage can run deep for years

They didn’t ask for their parents to split. I’m sure they would rather just have one home like your dc. You are definitely treating them as less important than your kids and I totally understand why that is. But your DH chose to have 4 dc so should treat them equally.
I feel sorry for them.

That was in response to your comments before you edited the post quite heavily.

I would convert the downstairs playroom (which is a current luxury in the circumstances) in to a bedroom for now, assign that to one of the DSC while they’re still staying frequently then convert it back later in to a convertible sofa bed guest/ playroom so they still have somewhere to stay when visiting. Then you also have a viable guest room solution. just make sure there is a closet for the DSC to leave things in.

As soon as I moved out at 18 my parents took my room and I had to stay in the ‘guest’ room when I visited, it was fine.

didn't see it that way. You have a point. I still wouldn't do a loft conversion and use all my savings. I know OP is against it but in this case I would move the little ones to the big bedroom as they also have a play room.
Don't envy you OP. Perhaps just tell your DH that he has to pay a majority of it.