Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

Have you a garage you can convert

I’ve got news for your DH, given their ages they will start wanting to spend less time with their parents and more with their friends. If the eldest goes to uni in three years you’ll hardly see them at all and you’ll have spent a huge amount of money for nothing.

I don’t get this current obsession for all children having their own rooms, millions of us grew up sharing with siblings and it really isn’t a big deal, the fact that they’re also the same sex makes it even less of an issue.

If you have that sort of spare cash I’d be putting it in my pension.

It would be a lot cheaper to change the window to two smaller ones than to do a full loft conversion. Provided you’re not in a conservation area or listed building.

This - I guarantee if OPs kids were spending three nights a week at another house she’d be livid if they didn’t have their own rooms

you shouldn’t have married a man with children OP

Teens need / appreciate having their own room and tend to spend most of their time at home in it. Younger children usually only use their bedrooms at night to sleep in. Given the age gaps involved, wouldn't it be better for the younger children to share a bigger room for a few years, given that the older ones are unlikely to be coming to stay over much once they reach university / working age?

YANBU about not wanting to pay for the loft conversion

You are being unreasonable about not considering letting your children share.

these kids are with you almost 50% of the time. If it was every other weekend, I’d understand, but it’s not

You knew this when you married your husband and had children

Surely they would share the big double room on the older kids will get the tiny rooms for a short period of Time

time box to fit around GCSEs once they’re done they go back to sharing

you’re not coming off great in this not being willing to consider any Middle ground

Surely you talk to them,
DC we are looking at ways to make this house more comfortable as you get older, we can either split the upstairs bedroom, repurpose the living room, install a garden pod as a study/hang out space. What is it about sharing that you like least? (It might not be the sleeping bit), we did explore a loft conversion but that will take at least a year (builder wait times round here are looking not sure about where you are) and it's a lot more expensive than we though so we'd have to cut back in other areas holidays etc, so we don't think that's going to be possible or the best solution for you.

See what they say

It’s also got totally different overtones in a blended family situation.

That is intensified if it is the older children sharing, and the younger ones are not.

You can split a room in half in the middle of windows. You just have to change the windows about.

Word of warning OP, my stepdaughters (similar ages) are now refusing to stay with their dad because of this very set up. You might find that if you don’t sort this out, your SC (because they are your SC, not just your DH’s children) might just see you even less. And trust me, that is bad. You can earn more money, you can’t rebuild broken relationships with SC easily.

It will.add value and if there's even the slightest chance it makes it feel more like home to dsc then I'd do it in a heartbeat if you love your dh, his happiness in having all his children around him is surely something that you'd want?

You say your SC stay 3 nights a week, that's a LOT!
If you have the play room/area downstairs why not make that into a bedroom? Let your kids play in their bedrooms**
Kids don't need playrooms**
This is the best solution.

It's honestly so depressing. So many threads from adults who chose a situation, resentful towards children who didn't. Feeling like they aren't wanted and don't have a home anywhere, what a crap childhood.

You seriously are suggesting that the OP’s SC have it lucky because they are living their lives between 2 houses, whereas the OP’s BC have it hard with their private rooms and separate playroom?

You need to be careful with those mental gymnastics or you’ll do yourself a mischief

It’s a bit silly because by the time a loft conversion is approved, contractors lined up and the work is done and finished, oldest stepson will probably be 18 and maybe off to uni. If not then an adult who is less likely to constantly switch between staying with mum/dad.

You shouldn’t have to pay towards it, I can see why your h thinks it’s a good idea and just wants to see his sons more but this shouldn’t be at your expense, especially as it may not even solve the issue of them coming less - that’s probably natural as they progress towards adulthood.

Or...just use one of the downstairs rooms as a bedroom where no money needs to be wasted/invested.

This happens all the time for lots of people though step children or not !

you have how many bedrooms you have and that’s it for a lot of people!

my husband shared with his brother until he moved out - and his sister and other brother always had own rooms.

I think you’re being massively unreasonable, they are equal to your children in importance. I’d wager you’d be wanting the 5th bedroom if it was YOUR children who spent 50% of their time there. You’re focusing on the financial aspect of it too much, not the wider family implications.

Personally I’d have my children share the biggest bedroom or I’d divide the big bedroom in a clever way.

This. Sorry YABU.

If all 4 kids were having to share rooms, that would be a different story. As it stands, 50% of them have a private room and access to a playroom for their needs. The other 50% are sharing a room. Oh and a step parent who thinks a landscape gardener is a better use of her money than creating equal spaces

Thats the issue. Preferential treatment

And it’s the thick-skinned ability of adults to rationalise why it’s reasonable that appalls me.

And it all boils down to adults wanting their own way and children being expected to “put up, shut up,” Apparently children are “resilient” but I’ve seen very few situations where that isn’t simply code for “powerless to do anything about it.”

I would give the dsc the 2 smaller bedrooms, and partition the larger bedroom as OP has suggested with a curtain for the 2 younger children - surely this is the cheapest and easiest solution

They are at their parent’s house over 40% of the time and you think they don’t deserve a room each?

This is why my niece stopped visiting one of her parents. “She isn’t here much” became a self fulfilling prophecy.

It’s really sad. Two reception rooms, but oh no, one cannot be used.