Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

Then it is unreasonable to expect her to use her savings if they have separate finances to support his decision to have 4 kids and provide a separate bedroom for each.

Allowing for timescales, the planning process, and availability of builders if you do the extension you are looking at this not being completed until older one is 16/17 (ie only 12-18m left of them regularly visiting before heading to uni?). Also, would that older child not find the building work and chaos disruptive whilst studying for GCSEs and then A Levels? Tbh, it strikes me that you and DH have actually left this discussion far too late as it should have been resolved and work done before the eldest reached y10?

That said, provided there really is a good market for 5 bed properties in your area, it might still make financial to invest in the extension - but tbh I would not assume this is the case. The bigger the house, the smaller the market for buyers, the more difficult it is to sell - especially if it doesn’t have additional living space and a large kitchen/dining space to complement the 5th bedroom. And probably an additional bathroom? You’d need at least 2 for a 5 bed house. I’d speak to an estate agent so you can be very clear as to which improvements will actually add value and how much and work from there.

because they're on a 'poor step kids having to split between two houses' train of thought that's why.

I can see the OP's point about not wanting to invest in a 5th bedroom when the 15yo probably won't want to be coming as regularly within a year of completing it.

Its the latter part of your post that particularly makes me despair for humanity.

But to be fair, also the bit where you are suggesting that OP going into a relationship with a man with kids, has no part at all in ensuring that those kids needs are met.

How much is the loft conversion? I got my loft done for 6k from a local company. Look around for more quotes.

Is this your 'forever home'? If not, look at it from a purely financial perspective - all properties have a ceiling as to their 'worth'. If you did the work and then wanted to sell the house, would the sale price reflect the cost of the work? If not, then there's no point doing the work.

I see no issue with 2 sisters sharing a room. But your DH and his children do. So, if you're planning to stay in the house long-term, a compromise will need to be made somewhere. I wouldn't spend absolutely all your combined savings on an unnecessary renovation. So, I see some options as:

1. Agree together how much you are willing to spend out of savings, and how much you will need to save towards the renovation. (Don't forget to do a realistic budget for the work, including the cost of renting elsewhere, if necessary)
2. Look into the financial options available for the work i.e. using savings is obviously 1, but you could also consider extending the mortgage term or borrowing more against the existing equity in the house
3. If the loft isn't really a viable option, turn the largest room into two rooms. Windows can be moved or, again, if the budget can't stretch to this, there are very smart, elegant solutions to get light into a windowless room. (You'd still need to explore whether a bedroom with no window prevents a fire safety issue - I have no idea if there are regulations around this.) Spend a little bit to get an architect's opinion on what is possible.

Oh I agree.The husband needs to fund this if they have separate finances. It’s a messy situation all around but one so often repeated on these boards.

If you're going to quote a post, at least read the post they are replying to.

Siblings gave been sharing bedrooms for hundreds of years, why should it not be suitable in this part time situation?

This. 100%.

Probably not going to be popular with you but can you and dh move into the 2nd biggest bedroom and you split the master into 2 smaller bedrooms?
Once dsc are older and moved on the swap back. That way you are showing willing to accommodate dsc but without big expense. Also make sure you splash your cash on something you want which will benefit everyone... a revamp of communal areas , new sofa, rug, TV etc

Her children are opposite genders for a start.. so long term not feasible option anyway

You’re looking at this in completely the wrong way. I would do the work on the provision that his kids get the smallest rooms. Your children then get lovely big bedrooms.

By the time you’ve all finished arguing the toss, the 15 year old will be half way to uni and you will have gained a room for guests/office.

@Georgey0 as a compromise would you consider dividing your step children’s room with something from IKEA? A large shelving unit for example? In America they have companies that sell very professional temporary dividing walls (for renters, for example).

If you do find that you need to go into the loft, who gets that room? Will that cause issues?

Going into the loft would almost certainly increase the value of your home, so you would just be moving your savings from your account into the equity in your house.
So you would still have it, but not as accessible in an emergency!

It is not fair to treat dcs that are in your home almost 50% of the time differently. They are coming up to GCSEs or one may have already sat them. These exams are far, far more stressful than when we were young. They need their space a privacy.

The cheapest options are to change the windows in the largest room to 2 and divide the room or to put doors on the playroom and give this to one of the stepdcs.

Alternatively, if it is possible, you could divide the living room and make that a bedroom and small toy storage room and your dcs can play in the hallway etc.

You don’t need a loft conversion. Far better to manage the space you already have.

YANBU. Your eldest together is 7, so this setup of 50/50 must have been going on at least this long? Maybe back then it would have been a good idea to look at how your home will suit the whole family as they grow, and coverted your attic then. At least the you all would have got the value out of it.

But 2 years before the eldest is an adult is not the right timing to do an attic conversion just to give them their own room - not financially anyway. Especially if by the time you go through planning and get this work done the eldest could be 17 so how much longer would they use the room?

Since you didn’t plan ahead, what room setup would you do if all 4 children were living in the house full time? Could you do that?

That's irrelevant. The poster was saying it doesn't feel like Home because they have to share a room. Millions of children share rooms, even in houses where that's their permanent and only residence, horribly offensive to those families, by insisting it's not good enough and means that it doesn't feel like Home.

No skin in the game either as I don't have children sharing rooms,

So you don’t have a guest bedroom either?
What about when the older SC start wanting to invite their girlfriend or boyfriend to stay?
You need to create another bedroom. It will be used less when the eldest goes to Uni but they will still want to visit in the holidays. And it can be used as a guest room when they aren’t there.
The simplest option seems to be converting the second reception room as presumably that just means moving furniture around.

I would convert a downstairs room - cheaper than loft conversion and easy to convert back.

could the downstairs room be made into a multi purpose space so the elder dsc can sleep down there but it then gets converted back into living space in the morning?

I would talk to them and make them see their opinions are valid in your decision.

Splitting the room and adding a window, if possible, is probably the best option. They might be keen on the garden room, if you have space, either as just a hang out, or for one to sleep in. I know plenty of teenage boys who would fight for that over the room in the house!

Talking to them is key here.

I have a loft conversion and it’s been good for us but eldest dc was only 9 when we got it so it’s allowed everyone to have their own rooms for over a decade. I don’t think it’s added value but it hasn’t actually cost us much either. I don’t think you can “blend” families and then get shirty when it impacts your personal savings whilst at the same time insisting your bio kids get a lot more (3 rooms between them vs one) than the ones who already have to move back and forwards between 2 homes. You need to act like you have the 4dc that you’ve got, not the 2dc that you want.
Your house sounds big - with 4 bedrooms, the second of which is big enough to be divided if it wasn’t for the window issue and a playroom as well as a separate reception - it just feels workable for a family of 6 at this age and stage if you can’t bring yourself to spend the money extending.
I don’t think pubescent teens with national exams on the horizon should share while small kids get their own room. I think there will be very few households where this is the default. I really don’t know wtf people are talking about saying. 13yo won’t live there much longer - kidults are often “at home” until pushing 30. I suppose people think this is the children’s mothers problem rather than their dads but how many parents are really happy to chivvy along y9 kids because they are basically adults “going to parties” and “making their own lives”. Will the OP downsize to a 2 bed when her bio kids are 12 and 15 because they are going out with friends in the evenings? I think not.
I’d put the small ones in the biggest room but on the basis that the 7yo will get her own room in 3 years time at starting y6 age and then revisit the problem again. The need for a playroom will reduce by then so using the spare reception may be more acceptable, the by then 19yo may have moved on to live with friends or moved away for work or study, the 19yo could be moved into a garden annex. It may become blindingly obvious that you actually could really do with a 5 bed and either extend or move. What I wouldn’t do is insist a 15yo share so a 4yo with a playroom doesn’t have to.
Do the dc have to blend with another family at their mums too?

depends what you have done.

my house has one, the attic level was converted into an open mezz and large double bedroom, means the mezz has to be used as storage space.

Ours was done with a proper fixed single wide staircase and added maybe.. 20k value onto the house (compared to sale price when we bought it compared to sale price of next door house asking price which doesn't have loft conversion)
but its still 20k less than asking prices of local proper 4 bed houses.

sorry, forgot to add previous owner said it cost 10k.

You sound very bitter and spiteful. When you met this man you KNEW he had children from a previous relationship, you then made the decision to MARRY him, but have an issue when it comes to him making sensible decisions about HIS children that came before YOUR children with him.

It's all about 'my babies this and my babies that', and as soon as it comes to using your savings/funds to do something that will BENEFIT his other children, you have an issue with it and your antenna goes up.

When you married him you made a vow to take on everything that comes with him. When you told him 'I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you', that includes embracing all that he is and all they he has. You don't get to 'pick and choose'/turn your nose up at his other kids when it suits you, whilst making sure that 'your' children have 'first refusal' on everything.

You are the reason why I will never let my kids have a step parent, because some not all, will remind you they are not biologically theirs and are never going to love them the way you do. These sneaky, snidey, spiteful outbursts that bother you so much says that you don't truly love these kids like they were your own, you love the man, not his kids.

If I meet someone with kids, they automatically become my kids once we cement our relationship, my home is THEIR home, everything I have I will SHARE with them, they are a part of me and I will do whatever it takes to make them HAPPY, comfortable and have a 'home from home' until they go home.

You're seeing it as 'fk that, these our OUR savings, why should I use them to benefit YOUR kids from a PREVIOUS relationship.

That's exactly how this comes across.

I would start weighing up what means 'more' to you; your marriage, your children, his children, or all 3 combined, because from where I'm standing this is one big shit show smh.

Sounds like it isn't going to last long anyway, if you feel you don't align and he doesn't take 'your views into account', then leave, why stay? He is still going ahead REGARDLESS of what 'you' think, which says to me you both don't respect each other's wishes, but most importantly he is putting his older children first before you for the benefit of ALL the kids in the house. I would respect him for who he is, accept you cannot change his way of thinking (why would you want to!) and walk away if it kills you so much.

Marriage is about compromise, trust and respect, I don't see any in yours...

it is not fair to treat the ones that are there 50% the same as the ones there 100%