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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

610 replies

Georgey0 · 26/04/2025 08:32

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

OP posts:
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6
TheGamblersGone · 26/04/2025 09:35

The majority of these blended families on Mumsnet are a disaster. I had no views on them prior to joining Mumsnet and now I think they’re completely unfair to the children

DevnDwellr · 26/04/2025 09:35

I knew someone who divided a large room in to two. The same scenario with no window being in one of the newly split rooms. They had an obscure window along a proportion of the top of the wall which gave natural light and had a fitted blind for the option of light and dark too. Worked really well. Good as well as the room was easy to convert back in to the lovely large room it was originally.

SonK · 26/04/2025 09:35

I think you are being a little unreasonable as the step children should also have their own room each.

However, you shouldn't have to use your own savings. Your partner should sort that all out himself

BreakingGood48 · 26/04/2025 09:35

How long have you been together? Seems like you missed the boat on this? Did they originally have their own rooms and then when your children come along they didn't? If so maybe you should have done the loft conversion for your children's bedrooms when they came along. Or are your children not DH's and you bought a house knowing only your children could have their own rooms?

Zanatdy · 26/04/2025 09:36

I think the downstairs room is the obvious solution. Yes you’ll have less space, but you married a man who had 2 DC already and had 2 more. I feel for your DH as he wants his home to feel more like a home for his DC and you’re refusing all suggestions. The downstairs room won’t cost much and it’s not forever. You need to compromise, not a flat out no to everything.

HelenWheels · 26/04/2025 09:37

sharing a room is common

Lookingtomakechanges · 26/04/2025 09:38

DevnDwellr · 26/04/2025 09:35

I knew someone who divided a large room in to two. The same scenario with no window being in one of the newly split rooms. They had an obscure window along a proportion of the top of the wall which gave natural light and had a fitted blind for the option of light and dark too. Worked really well. Good as well as the room was easy to convert back in to the lovely large room it was originally.

What about ventilation? Sounds stuffy in the room with no window especially in hot weather.

justkeepswimingswiming · 26/04/2025 09:38

What a waste of money, it’s different if they decide to live with you or spend the majority of their time with you. But for 1-2 days a week? No.

CanelliniBeans · 26/04/2025 09:38

It’s difficult and I can see both sides. But ultimately if your children were spending three nights a week in another house how would you feel about the bedroom issue? It’s true that as they get older they might visit less, but then they might visit more again and possibly with a partner in tow. I think there’s a danger they will be put off by the bedroom sharing situation and that will mean they see less of their dad which is not right.

TheCurious0range · 26/04/2025 09:39

I think the summer house is a good idea, properly insulated, heat, light etc, not as a bedroom, but as a study space/hang out so they can have space away from each other if necessary, I'd imagine they'd also like to invite friends over to hang out in there, even better if you give them some input into how to decorate it etc

FiveBarGate · 26/04/2025 09:39

Georgey0 · 26/04/2025 08:43

I've suggested this loads of times, he doesn't like the idea because one would end up without a window on one side, which I understand too but it doesn't need to be a permanent structure, even just a sliding curtain or door could work.

The room absolutely is big enough to split but there is only one window in the centre so difficult to separate with an official wall.

I am not against DSC having their own room, but I don't want to spend all of my money on doing so, I was willing to do it but the cost is significantly more than we were expecting due to the work required unfortunately.

It can often be less than 3 nights a week now too, which I don't see changing much even if they did have their own rooms.

Show quote history

Could you put wardrobes down the centre? I've seen it done so you take something like IKEA Pax and secure to the ceiling so that one side opens into one room and one into the other so it gives the sense of separate space? No structural work and you are left with decent wardrobes you can repurpose once the time comes.

Is it about sleeping or the rest of the time? Would something like a garden pod that you can set up as a gaming hub help? A place they can go to (if other is in the room) and that can be used for purposes to benefit the younger kids over the years too.

Perhaps all have a chat about what it is that they are trying to achieve with separate rooms. Is it 'your snoring annoys me', 'I need space to do my homework ', or 'i don't want to hear you chatting with mates on the X box while I'm talking to mine'.

Understanding that might help with solutions even if it's giving them part use of a different space in the house.

By the time you finish a lift conversion the eldest could be practically at uni or in a job that makes staying inconvenient anyway.

GroupDiscountOnTheBusToHell · 26/04/2025 09:40

Georgey0 · 26/04/2025 08:40

I will absolutely not be doing this. Our DC are already in the smaller bedrooms and have far more toys etc.. than DSC, they live here full time. I'm not taking their rooms from them.

Show quote history

You want your children to be treated better than his. Just… awful.

nordicwannabe · 26/04/2025 09:40

The DSC are coming up to exam time. They need a quiet space of their own, which is truly theirs. And if you don’t provide that in their father's home, they won't go there. It's only for a few years, so I'd make it work with your existing house rather than do expensive work for just a couple of years benefit. Prioritise the DSC because of exam years, and be clear that when they go to Uni, it changes again.

I would put your DS(4) into the biggest room, with DD(7)'s bigger/shared toys in there and the understanding that this is now also a playroom. At 4, children aren't very territorial about their room, and he'll be happy to have all the toys and space to play in his room, and won't mind his sister using it too.

Keep DD in a small room, but encourage using the 'play room'/DS room.

Put one DSC in the remaining small room upstairs.

Put the other DSC in whichever of the downstairs living rooms works for them.

You can easily add doors to the playroom, if that works best as a bedroom. You can have toys in your living room for a few years (as most people do) and you'll also have plenty of space in DS room. But the existing playroom might be noisy for revision even with a door since it's attached to the kitchen, so perhaps not the right choice.

I'd be inclined to give one DSC the living room, which is probably quieter. You can fit the current downstairs playroom out so that it becomes a general family lounge, and put big toys upstairs.

It's only for a few years. These are your DH's children. It matters. You should be willing to have things slightly less perfect for you in order to benefit them, just as you would for your own DC.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/04/2025 09:41

You’re not being fair here at all op.

like a poster up thread said, it was the two grownups who made the decision to add a fourth child when there were only 3 bedrooms available.

also, you don’t seem to be considering this from an emotional perspective at all, but rather a cruel, logistical, financial one. Your husband must be distraught that his teenagers are spending less time with him and be desperate to do whatever he can to encourage them. Are you secretly happy they’re coming less and this is the root of why you don’t want changes?

GroupDiscountOnTheBusToHell · 26/04/2025 09:41

Zanatdy · 26/04/2025 09:36

I think the downstairs room is the obvious solution. Yes you’ll have less space, but you married a man who had 2 DC already and had 2 more. I feel for your DH as he wants his home to feel more like a home for his DC and you’re refusing all suggestions. The downstairs room won’t cost much and it’s not forever. You need to compromise, not a flat out no to everything.

In a nutshell.

custardandpie · 26/04/2025 09:41

Mylovelygreendress · 26/04/2025 08:44

I am not sure why there is an obsession about same sex DC having their own rooms these days ? It sounds like the house is big enough for someone to find a space to quietly read or whatever if they need to be on their own for a while.,
I cannot see the point in spending all the savings on a room that is barely used .

100% ! I don't see why children of the same sex need their own rooms either. I shared one till I bought my own flat.
OP I think the set up is reasonable. They don't have all their belongings there and as they get older they will be with friends more and spending less time with you.
Maybe use some of the money to redo the room in a way they like ?
5 bedrooms once they leave will be too many to have.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 26/04/2025 09:41

Why do you have to use your savings? Would a loan or an extra mortgage be more affordable?

Calliopespa · 26/04/2025 09:42

HelenWheels · 26/04/2025 09:37

sharing a room is common

It’s only 50 percent of Dc who share in op’s home.

Other statistics are irrelevant.

Sunholidays · 26/04/2025 09:42

Partition the double room and replace the one window with two. Much cheaper than the loft conversion.

itsgettingweird · 26/04/2025 09:42

Could you do the conversion and then out the 2 that live there FT in the 2 largest rooms and give DSC the 2 smaller bedrooms but 1 each?

Vettrianofan · 26/04/2025 09:42

TheGamblersGone · 26/04/2025 09:35

The majority of these blended families on Mumsnet are a disaster. I had no views on them prior to joining Mumsnet and now I think they’re completely unfair to the children

I agree. There's one next door to me and they operate at strange hours. Three older DC stay at the house one night, then they are back at their Dad's for one night, then back next door with Mum and Step Dad again...I would be dizzy with that set up as a child!

The youngest of the four DC is 3yo and stays up late into the night often wailing. They don't seem to have any sense of routine! That's the most obvious thing that stands out with the blended families I know, especially the one next door!

RockingOverTheWorld · 26/04/2025 09:42

OP @Georgey0 do you mind sharing how much your quote was please? Only we are currently exploring doing the same and have had two people round and are awaiting them to come back.

In your situation I understand your reluctance to wipe out your savings. Could you use part savings and part mortgage perhaps…

Calliopespa · 26/04/2025 09:42

GroupDiscountOnTheBusToHell · 26/04/2025 09:41

In a nutshell.

Show quote history

Agree.

WinterBones · 26/04/2025 09:43

the people talking 'fairness' seem to have decided the OP's 2 children should get the shit end of the stick here.

the SC's have their own rooms at their moms house, now you want to stuff the OP's kids into a shared bedroom permanently, so they can also have their own rooms at the OP's house too?

How is that fair to the OP's kids?

Both sets of kids have their own rooms in their moms home.. that is fair.

Popsicle1981 · 26/04/2025 09:43

Georgey0 · 26/04/2025 08:37

Oh he is also making noises about turning a downstairs room into a bedroom too which I don't want to do either, not for a bedroom that will sit empty most of the time.

Downstairs does have two reception rooms but it's not as large as it makes it sound, the second is used as a play/family room and is semi open plan with the dining / kitchen so not able to be sectioned off and the second is the actual separated lounge which is what he is talking about using as a bedroom. But the space works well downstairs for us and I don't think the loss of the space (that we use daily!) is worth it for an extra bedroom that's barely used.

I feel like he just thinks this house is his to change about however best suits his kids and I'm expected to pay for the privilege too.

We have four between us in a similar situation. We converted a downstairs room to a bedroom. Teenagers need privacy and it may be that one or both teenagers choose to live with their father/you when they are old enough to make their own decisions. What will you do when they start bringing boyfriends/firlfriends to stay?

Having a loft conversion is an investment. Personally, I would use some savings and take out a loan and get it done. The loft conversion could be a lovely, private space for the adults with an ensuite. Adding an extra room also stands you in good stead should your employers require you to have a home office.