Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

As opposed to her children sharing 7 x a week? Or should she be completely rinsing her savings to pay for things she doesn't want?

Can you remove the central window and put two in either side instead? Much cheaper than a loft conversion…

No. All 4 children are his. He can't dictate how she spends her money. Increased equity in the house is all well and good, but sometimes having the cash available for emergencies etc is more important

Such feelings are valid though, and she is allowed to have them. It's ok to love your children more than children who are not yours.

I have friends in their 40s who still bear the emotional hurt of watching parents (both mums and dads btw not sexist here) - move on and set up a 'proper home' with their new children and partner - it's a lifetime pain.

Op - they will be older teens and even more likely to want privacy - maybe to bring their own friends over? boyfriends one day?

they are being treated like visiting aunts and uncles -

Embrace them - and think if your husband left how you would feel if it was your little children sharing for life even as young adults - while his new children spread out in their own rooms.

also sorry I don't agree with the separate finances thing - you are a family now, my husband and I support each other with our wishes and aims.

Your husband wants his children to feel welcome and you are denying him that.

The fundamental issue is you don't want to spend your money to make it better and more welcoming for children that aren't yours. That's fine as is the rational around the money better spent on a kitchen, if that's want you want. But the message to your step children is very clear. A kitchen is more important to you than creating space to make them feel welcome and secure because in a few years they won't be your partner's responsibility anyway, and hopefully wont be visiting anymore. Then you can concentrate on your real family with a lovey kitchen and landscaped garden.
At least own it and stop trying to justify it.

But that’s parenting, isn’t it? A massive proportion of my money goes on things I don’t want but we make sacrifices for our kids.

these children are not a shock, she knew they existed and needed providing for before she married their dad, and before she had child 3 and then child 4.

She’s unreasonable because she’s rejected all of husband’s suggestions and the only contribution she’s made is “they won’t want to stay here in a few years anyway”, well that’s a certainty given that they’re made to feels second rate to the brand new kids.

I wonder if she’d be happy for husband to remarry a woman who thinks of child 3&4 in the same way she’s thinking of 1&2.

haven't rtft, so not sure if anyone has suggested this: but can you the give the 15yo one of the lounge rooms, then move the playroom and the 7yo into the double bedroom. the 13yo can then have the 7yo's smaller room. that way everyone has a room, you have one lounge, and you don't have to spend money on a loft conversion.

re. Mortgage by your DH? Why doesn't he pay for extra room with his own mortgage/remortgage/loan ? Then if you sell he gets that extra from the proceeds?

To quote this and your earlier comment about people making a 'big deal' about both homes being 'home' to the stepchildren, let me tell you why shall I?

Because I love your dad, he is my heart, my soul, my everything and I'm taking all that he comes with. You being his child from another woman does NOT give me the right to treat you any lesser or to make you feel uncomfortable, unloved and unwanted in our home, this is your home also, he is your dad, I respect you as much as I respect him, and have a duty to protect and love you until the day I die, because that was the responsibility I accepted and took on when I fell love with him and wanted to be a part of all he is.

I have a duty as an adult and your fathers' new partner to make sure I love you no differently to how I love my own children, in fact if I had it my way I would have given birth to you, THAT is how much I love you.

There is just no excuse or room in this world for subjecting a child to abandonment, feeling invalidated, unloved, unwanted etc.

We will do things as a family, you are included in everything, you are my family and you're not about to grow up with mental health issues, needing therapy etc due to the adults not being able to knock their fking heads together and do what's right by you.

My children having blended siblings is an absolute blessing! It's a beautiful feeling that cannot be put into words and I can think of nothing greater than having a blended family, besides actually giving birth itself.

If dad has a suggestion about your needs that will benefit us all as a family, we will work together to ensure those needs are met. You see, what many people on this thread are missing is the love for that man should always extend to his children, family, even the mother of his children etc.

Yes, not all women/exes are this nice, sometimes the ex is the asshole, other times it's the new woman, but I will always give her peace of mind that her child is safe with me, fed, nurtured and has a home from home whereby they will always feel 'snug' and not be made to feel like an outcast.

So there's your answer, a home from home is completely necessary, take this from someone who was beaten on a daily basis by my mothers' husband, he absolutely detested us and did the opposite of everything I said above he wanted us OUT the picture and my mum to himself. No I don't carry any trauma from this, I have healed and live a very happy life, I'm just an adult with common sense to not ostracise a child.

My loft conversion, including a bathroom to full regs and new steels took 2 months

As you note that you don’t want to spend all of your money in providing a room for everyone the question is
would you do it if it was your kids ie step kids to your dh

I would but as a less expensive compromise I’d change one of the downstairs rooms to a bedroom.

As you say, it’s not it’s going to be for a very long time.

Or a slightly more radical solution would be finding a 5 bed that suits the family better. If the move is cheaper than the conversion and more acceptable in terms of downstairs space.

Even in families that are not blended, it is common for some children to share a bedroom based on gender and age. My best friend growing up got her own bedroom, as did her brother, but the two younger girls had to share. That was the reality of a four-bedroom house. And I think it's very common.

OP, you have a daughter and a son and it makes no sense for them to share given their genders and the fact that, as you stated, this is their full-time home.

I didn't read every comment, so I might have missed something, but I assume DSC have their own rooms at their mother's house?

If it was a quick fix, then of course they could have their own rooms at your house, but it is not. I would make this less about the amount of time they stay with you than to focus on how their ages and genders would have made sense for them to be the ones to share regardless.

I get the DH is trying to ease the custody arrangement with the ex by doing whatever he can to make his daughters want to spend more time with him, but I don't think this will be the answer her is looking for. I would not overhaul your entire home by granting the wishes of these girls who will quite possibly want to spend less time with you as they become teenagers and their friends take priority. You should also not have to use up all of your savings as that impacts the two children you share together also.

Even if these were your biological children, and gender and birth order remained the same, would you expect them to share, or would you dig into all of your savings to grant their wishes?

💐

This would be my suggestion as well. Cheaper than loft conversion, the internal wall will be stud anyway, so should be easy to remove if/when you want a large double room again.
This is a sensible compromise.

OP has confirmed she absolutely would do this for her bio children as there is no way they would be sharing a room.

I've not RTFT, but will DSC(15) be doing GCSE's next year (or possibly even this year)? Where do you propose that they study?

As others have mentioned, they could be off to university within the blink of an eye (or possibly not)?

If they are likely to be leaving home at 18, I would look to making the front room into more of a study bedroom. A wall-bed or smart daybed would be a lot cheaper than building a whole new floor.

Who leaves home at 18 these days? Even if they're at university they have breaks all the time

Have not rtft, when my dd’s shared I split the room with a huge kalax unit which had all their storage in

i did it too, my DSD is in her 30s, never had a room of her own in our house because we just simply didn't have space, when she visited ExH slept downstairs, DD came in with me, and DSD had DD's room for the duration.

Now she's an adult, DSD doesn't actually talk to her dad (Exh) she went NC with him, but still speaks to me, still visits her half-sibs and we have a good relationship.

What's important is how you as a step parent treat the kid, not where they sleep or if they have their own rooms.

Yep. It's not like they can just get a minimum wage job, pop on the free ads and pick out a £400 a month flat nowadays (like dh and I did 🤣).

Our 3 dc range between 7 and 17. We're planning for them all living here well into their 20's tbh. And quite possible having 5 adults living at home for a time.

Your children have 1.5 rooms each and his have 0.5, despite being teenagers and needing their own space much more. I don’t think you realise quite how important having their own space is to girls that age and yes, it will definitely affect how much time they want to spend at your house.

I’d go for a garden room OP, probably mush cheaper and as teenagers I think they’ll love it.

projecting much?

It's only clear to you, for some unknown reason, not for anyone else.