Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

You could split the window in two (and enlarge it if necessary) and put a dividing stud in for far less than the loft conversion. Or that bed arrangement upthread is amazing. You could make it teen aspirational with built in tech etc.

I had a small room when I was a teen and I actually really loved it, it was like a cocoon.

This is a difficult one. But I do mostly agree with the OP. If the step children are older teens then realistically this is only going to be an issue for another few years. If they were younger then I would say something needs to change and it would be worth spending the money. But there's no point spending lots of money and time making a 5th bedroom if you don't actually need it. And at the end of the day, it sounds like you can't afford it if it would eat up all your savings.
When I turned 18 I didn't have a bedroom at my mum's OR my dad's. Once I went off to uni I slept on a sofa bed when I did stay over.

Could you not just have your children share when they stay so that they can have their own space ?

we have a 3 bed . My 2 DC ( same sex ) are 12 and 18. My DSC is 15. When they were younger mine shared and SC had their own room . SC used to stay on a regular basis. As they all grew it became impractical for my DC to share and SC only came on weekends which has now changed to every few weeks ( at the age of 15 SC has friends near where they live with Mum and prefers to be there so they can see their friends , which is understandable ) so now , when SC stays my DC share a room. We spoke with SC about this , they understood , all things are at their Mums anyway and any clothes etc we bought ended up going back because they wanted to wear / use them more than the times they were here .

It works well for us . Maybe that could be an option ?

YANBU to not want to spend loads on an extra room because in all honesty at their age , it’s likely they will come less and less when they’re older if Mums is their ‘main’ home.

Simple solution. Put your DC into the large room and give the DSC the two smaller bedrooms. This is fair. 3 days a week is a large chunk of the week and your DC are young enough to share. In a couple of years DSC will cease to come every week because they are older and have other things to do and at that point your DC can have separate rooms.
It's necessary to treat the DC equally, which means the older DC get separate rooms. Really, you need a 5 bed house - you could move perhaps or possibly extend downstairs?

Lots of people talk about ‘going to uni’ as if the bedroom was no longer needed thereafter. DSS2 ‘s Oxford terms were each eight weeks, a total of 24wks so still home more than 50%

By not providing their own room, you are sending a message they they are tolerated rather than wanted as, yes, you will see them less and less.

that may be what OP is angling for, let’s hope their father (and siblings) have another view.

short term I would convert the stand alone sitting room and stop the DC using it when DSSs are not around or it will not feel like their own space as the younger ones will forget and burst in when he is there.

not ideal, but I agree that it will very much determine your relationship with them. Don’t try and alienate them, please.

That's not treating them fairly or equally. Why should the DC have to share? It's their only space.

I would go down the garden home office / room
it would be cheaper than an extension and done right can add value to the house

my son has one in his garden it used to be the old garage and the previous owners insulated it put in electrics / mini kitchen / water and sliding doors and skylights and it’s really nice apart from being to hot / cold
they use it for guest and extra space

however if you don’t have a back access to the garden about how your going to get it in and any ground work that needs to be done

my sons neighbor is doing a garden room and they have had to remove loads of soil and had to take it through the house to remove it

Do the garden room. If you can include a small ensuite with shower, even better. You could put up security cameras with apps on your phones if concerned about safety.
Done properly with heating & insulation these cabins are lovely.
Sounds like Dsc is on board with this. Their own chill out space, play games, music, own tv etc.
Could always be turned into a home office later on. Or a "guest wing".

Any way to put a second window into the room they currently share, OP? Then you could divide it.

Surely they have the whole house? It's their permanent home. Equality is not the same as equity.

LTB

It depends on the dimensions of the double room, but one option would be to undertake building works to remove the current window and install two separate windows, which would enable you to then partition the room to make two separate rooms. We did something similar.

Why should the children who are there full time have to share, when girls who are there only a few nights a week get their own bedroom?
I'm guessing the SC get the run of the house, so also have "the whole house".

Well done on your financial set-up.

IMHO you should avoid a costly loft conversion. While it would add value, maybe not so much if there are already four bedrooms. Viewing from the eyes of future buyers, families tend to prefer to sleep on the same floor. And a loft room isn’t great for guests, especially older guests like grandparents due to extra stairs. A future buyer may possibly view it as an office.

IMHO a better way to add value is creating a bedroom downstairs, in addition to your current living space. A ground floor extension/converted garage onto the garden (with a french door), with an en-suite toilet (or shower room, if possible). It may not cost so much. This would work v well for a teen/young adult - incl perhaps your own DC eventually. But would also be more useable/adaptable in the long-term, or to future buyers, e.g. as an accessible bedroom (for grandparents, people with mobility problems or older owners - incl you, eventually), a work-from-home space (e.g. therapy room, office or meeting space), a formal dining room or semi-conservatory/winter garden room or library/reading room, cinema room/teen hangout, even a utility space.

I’d get quotes for that.

When the DSC aren’t staying, it could still give you extra useable space downstairs. You could provide shallow built-ins with sliding doors with locks. So the DSC could stow all their stuff out of the way/out of sight but access easily when there. And a sofa bed. Gives you an extra downstairs toilet/shower/utility if you add an en-suite. I had a room once where the end of the room had been divided off by about 2m into three similar size rooms with three doors: toilet, shower room, walk in closet. It meant all you had to have in the main room was a bed, bedside drawers and a desk/dressing table. So it wouldn’t have to be that big. And the room wouldn’t look ‘bedroomy’ compared to using free-standing wardrobes.

IMHO you should provide the DSC with their own rooms if you can.

You should extend the house so he is treating all his children equally

Clearly thr situation probably makes them less likely to visit and feel less at home

Absolutely not.
Keep your money separate.
He doesn't get to dictate.
Do not give up the lounge.
Perhaps rethink your marriage if he continues to behave so unreasonably.

To an extent I agree with this, and indeed I shared a room with my (much) older sister.
BUT, the important thing in this situation is that the step children are being treated differently. If those girls were the OPs bio kids then they’d have their own rooms and youngest two would share.

OP you are being unreasonable. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to pay out for loft conversion but you need to do something. You need to compromise here.

Which is what she wants, clearly.

@Georgey0 Where is the house located? Yes works are expensive but if the house is located in an expensive part of the UK, the sale price per sq ft should be above the cost of the work per sq ft. This is one way to create value.
I’m with your DH here, he’s right in saying that his kids won’t be visiting if they have to share a room (my older teenagers/young adults would not share a room even if same sex).
is there any way you can remortgage? Given the house will increase in value you can borrow against that.

I'm slightly biased as I absolutely love our loft room, it's a peaceful sanctuary at the top of the house away from everything. It's easily the nicest room in the house. It will add value to your home so I think it's worth doing and then downsizing once the kids have grown and flown.

I’d do the loft conversation. Even when they are young adults, you’ll want your step kids to feel at home in your house.

Your joint kids can’t share long term as they are different sexes. So even if you made them share the large room now and gave the step kids a smaller room each, you’d only be putting off the problem for another day.

Adding a loft would add value to your homebut I would prefer to invest in a garden studio with shower room. It would be more versatile and more private for young adults.
The two older kids could sleep inside in the shared room but have the space down stairs for when one brings a guest or partner.

Just change the 2nd reception room into a bedroom for now and if it doesnt get used, change it back.

I wonder if those saying the girls don't need a room each are from divorced parents themselves

They ser their dad leave and now set up home and have new children who he lives with full time. So he is already in a much more committed family set up with his new children

Wouldn't it be very important here to make sure his other children feel as at home at dad's house as at their own.

Then as older teens and adults they will feel much more welcome ???

I don't think the OP has said the SC are girls, has she?