Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

Not read the whole thread so sorry if this has already been suggested but could you give the youngest 2 the largest room so plenty of space for toys and opportunity to play together, you have the double, older 2 have the 2 smaller rooms and then change around as necessary when the the older 2 move out?
This should work well timewise as the older one moving out will fit in with the second youngest needing their own space and it could be made a proviso of them getting their own rooms now.

Why should the DC share a room? The current arrangement is fine. The SC aren't there all the time.

I do wonder how many people who support the idea that both places have to/can feel like home are saying that because they wish they had had that as children, or that they are confident that they are providing it as parents, compared with people who have had that experience in reality. On these posts you see a lot of people saying that they didn't have that experience as a child and it was damaging, but very few who say that they did.

Why did you marry a man with children if you weren't prepared to treat them the same as your shared children? I feel sorry for them and your DH

Sounds like it would be the main reception room they'd have to give up though and that seems ridiculous, especially since it wouldn't be used most of the time.

There has been loads of replies so I am yet to read them all but just to answer a couple of things:

• the playroom. I think I probably confused things when I said play room. It's just what we call it. It is not a separate room, it is literally just a small semi portioned off space between the hall way and the kitchen. It would not work as a bedroom because you cannot access the kitchen without walking through it and it is not big enough to function well as the main lounge. Right now it's just used as a bit of a play area inc for DSC who have a gaming set up there not that it's used much these days.
• The room downstairs DH is talking about is our actual lounge. Which we use daily. If we made that into a bedroom it would feel like we had no real living room.

• DSC have always shared with us. They were not moved to make way for a 4th child or anything like that. They used to be fine with sharing and have shared in every house we have had. Our first house only had 2 rooms so they shared the second and our DD shared with us for a while and then we moved here when I was already pregnant with DS and the rooms were set up as they are now.

• I am not suggesting that DSC are "lucky" to have two houses, but no I don't see why they should get their own room in both ours and their mums house while our DC share a room in their one home. I am open to some ideas but not that one. Dh does actually agree on that too.

• we have discussed a garden room before but I don't know how comfortable we feel at the idea of them outside alone. DSC15 seems keen on it though so perhaps we can revisit that instead.

I’m with your DH. You married a man who already had children so you should be prepared for compromise as a result. Teenagers really value their own space. The work will add value to your home.

A lot of us are step children that felt we were treated unfairly. Blended families are almost never in the interests of the children. This thread proves that.

only if a bitter parent is making them feel that way because they are jealous of the new family of their ex-partner.

Yes, things are DIFFERENT for those living full-time in a house.

Meanwhile, the children have 2 houses, celebrate everything twice - I don't know any family who don't celebrate birthdays, christmas, Easter with their kids so they get 1 celebration with each parent! They get 2 sets of holidays, one with each parent, and so on.

It's so disingenuous to pretend the younger ones are treated better.

Maybe the children would prefer for their parents to still be together, but a toxic environment of 2 adults who don't get on anymore is not ideal. Once the parents have split up, things are different.

It would be very unfair to penalise the younger ones.

They probably don't see why they should have to uproot themselves every 3/4 days. 🤷‍♀️

This will affect them coming to stay, which will affect their relationship with their dad. He will possibly blame you/this situation.

But, 'you don't see why...'

Celebrating stuff twice does not make up for the fact that they're from a broken home.

That's incredibly shallow thinking.

"treating the same" is a ridiculous concept. It doesn't even work with your own children living together!

You adapt based on need, personality, age and it's a very normal thing to do. It's children, not robots.

On the basis of "treating the same", are you suggesting to stop celebrating their birthday if they already had one with their mum, as "treating the same" means every child celebrate their birthday once? How ridiculous would that be.

I would absolutely not do this.

Can't even being to imagine the fall out if you give them their own rooms at the expense of children who live their full time, only to then take their rooms away from them 'for not staying more'? All planned out in advance to do it this way, too...

Or, say it works ... now you have a boy/girl sharing which isn't sustainable for much longer.

I would split the room with a clever use of bunk beds with many examples online.

Have you any experience of being a step child? Any at all?

but the broken home is done. You might think people staying together and living in a toxic and angry house is best, I don't agree.

Once the split is done, people manage in the best way they can. OF COURSE things will be different because one child has 2 homes, and one child has one home. It doesn't mean one child is seen as superior or inferior.

Up to the adult to stop pretending difference means treating them less well.

Celebrating twice is not a compensation for parents spliting up, it's a fact proving that there will be difference. Trying to put a judgement of value on these differences is ridiculous.

It seems OP just doesn't want to spend all of her savings on it, I'm sure if DH was willing to pay for a room for his children she wouldn't mind. Can't blame her, I wonder if a woman posted saying her husband was hesitant to clear out his account to pay for a loft conversion people would say he just had to suck it up. Can guess the answers!

I can see both sides tbh BUT overall I think do the loft conversion. You do sound (to my ears) a weeny bit resentful of the DSCs and this maybe what your husband is trying to compensate for.

for a start, does me being a step-child counts?
Not that I am pretending to represent all the step-children, but you asked.

I am seeing more angry and bitter ex on these threads , angry against the new wife, than step-kids with complaints.

There's plenty of threads where step children try and explain how shit it is but they generally get ignored. Maybe that's why you haven't seen them

Any chance you can add another window? If it’s on an outside wall it’d surely be cheaper than a loft conversion.

@Georgey0 why don’t you and DH swap bedrooms with them and partition the master bedroom into two rooms for step DC. Sounds like you have the biggest bedroom and given it’s a master bedroom, there might be two windows meaning both partitions would have natural daylight.

I would certainly consider the loft conversion. Yes it would cost, but would add more value to your house than your suggestion of landscaping the garden for example. The SC are of an age when they are, or will be , studying for exams and a decent space to do that is important, especially since they spend three nights with you.

Knocking another window in the big bedroom to properly partition it would likely to cheaper than a loft conversion?

How os not equal? They don’t there?

Yes, I agree. They're in the house part of the time, I genuinely don't know what's wrong with sharing a bedroom. I wouldn't go to the trouble and expense of re- configuring/extending a house when it's unnecessary.