Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

It's your husband's children, not yours. Therefore, he pays all on his own if he wants a loft conversion to accommodate his children.

Alternatively, divide one of the larger bedrooms into two smaller ones.

What were the living arrangements though

I totally see this if you remained in the family home and then only saw Dad every other weekend.

But you may have felt different if the family home was sold and you spent 3 night in one new home, 4 night in another? Maybe not. We are all different.

When my parents split and sold up, I never felt quite at home again until I had my own place. I felt a bit transitory. I was older though and both new homes were bought based on the idea I wouldn't be living there much longer.

If DSC are the same sex, I can't see a problem. If not, the boy should share with DS. They're not there 24/7 by the sound of it so that shouldn't be a problem.

I think it is a lot older than that now. I have 3 still living at home at this age. They all work full time but can't afford to move out.

I would be up for the loft conversion. It would encourage DSC to stay more often and feel like an equal home for them.
Although the visits may be sporadic at this age, thinking ahead, when they are young adults at uni and beyond, there will be room for you to host their friends/partners as well. So a good investment for the future.

I’d split one of the bigger rooms (not a big deal if one has an internal window) and put your younger kids in there, then have your SDs in the other 2 rooms for now. But I would be saying that this is not necessarily forever.

I think his issue is that the fact that they share at that age means that they will stay less and less if they have their own rooms at their mums and I can see his point TBH.

What about dividing the room with bunk beds?

https://funkybunkbeds.com/product/room-divider-bunk-bed/

Haven’t read the whole thread and not sure if it has been suggested but what about something like this, if it’s feasible:

It doesn’t sound as though the father wants them to feel that way.

I think it’s sad if as the result of a relationship breakdown children are made to feel a second class member of one of their parent’s homes. I’m glad it didn’t bother you, bug I don’t think that’s typical.

With kids from second family being treated better.

Let the teenagers have their own rooms. When the two younger ones are teenagers they'll have their own rooms too but they don't need them now.

It's coming across as though you want to create an environment where the older kids stay less.

I didn't feel second class at all - on the contrary, I got the strong sense that my dad was delighted to have me there and would have loved to have seen me more. His place still didn't feel like home, though. I just really don't understand why this unrealistic idea of feeling like two places are simultaneously home is important.

Owww that looks good @FartNRoses , shows that there are some design solutions out there.
But kindly to OP I think she is not acknowledging that they are a family of 6, not 4 and 2 adds ons.

I'd been going all out for the 5th bedroom in the loft

Stepkids have it rough. Them getting their own bedrooms at both parents' homes is not them being spoiled or getting more than they deserve. It's them being displaced and having to live between two homes, their original home having been broken.

The second set of kids has the luxury of not knowing what that's like. Maybe that's reason enough to give the small benefit of separate bedrooms to the steps?

Assuming he paid for half the house so surely he gets a say in any improvements? His children shouldn't feel second best in their own father's home.

The OP says the children have been asking for this for a while so it's obviously an issue to them. The older children are at an age where this matters.

I hate all this "They'll be gone soon" replies. Children are forever, not just when it's convenient.

A good loft conversion is pretty much always a good idea. Get some other quotes for the conversion?

I also think the idea that this will solve itself naturally is wrong, if one of the SC go to uni, chances are they won’t want to come to their dad’s at all in the holidays if the younger SC has taken over the room.
Which would be really sad for your partner.

Sounds like he’s doing all he can to make them feel like they have a proper home with him and you should at least be open to ONE of the many options he’s suggested. If he’s not happy you can’t leave things as they are, quite apart from anything else if his relationship with his SC deteriorates he’ll feel this has contributed to it.

I can see both points of view here. The eldest step-daughter is nearly 16, that means 2-3 years time she'll be 18. By the time she reaches 16-17 how often will she be wanting to stay at Dad's? There's going to come a point, when she won't want to stay at all. That's not necessarily a reflection on her relationship with her Dad, but rather that she's too busy with her own friends, and she's older. At some point it may only be the younger step-daughter who is still staying over. I would be reluctant to spend a lot of money on a loft conversion that could in 2-3 years time, not being used from one month to the next and some. In all honesty, if the step-daughter's were going to be given their own rooms, it should have happened years ago, when they would get much more use out of them. Unfortunately, you can't treat all the children completely the same - 2 permanently live in the house, and 2 divide their time between 2 houses. Those fundamental facts won't be changing, unless suddenly both step-daughter's need to live permanently with their Dad, in which case of course the loft conversion will be needed.

It’s not unrealistic- it didn’t work for you but it’s worked for others so it’s surely the basic level that one should aim for?

I wonder how many people it has actually worked for. This subject comes up a lot on Mum’s net.

You've missed the point spectacularly

Well I’ve had a lot of thanks for those comments so I think some people definitely felt differently. But I’m glad you felt fine about it.

I don't think they'll stay much longer. As you said they spend time with friends at weekends more now so it's not that you're being unfair you're being realistic. They have their own rooms at their primary address and if your house has space they could have the luxury of that there. From 16 my niece stopped staying at her dad's and now just meets him for dinner. The ways they will connect will mature so I'd be reluctant to spend money to convert the loft at this stage.

I think you should give up your second living room to be a bedroom. At this age they should have quiet places where they can study.

The easiest and cheapest solution is to convert the downstairs room into a bedroom for the 16 year old. If they’ll be off to uni at 18 you can convert it back into a living room with a sofa bed for when they visit.