Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

Can’t you just make the reception/playroom a convertible bedroom space? Get a quality sofa bed, or a smart cabin bed could be a good fix. I’d ask the DSC to see if they agree this could be a good way to give them an extra bed space but still retains a temporary reception area when they’re away. Should be cheaper than a loft conversion: https://www.millieandjones.co.uk/products/trasman-mont-blanc-kids-high-sleeper-bed

They also have a playroom

I think the answer is split the biggest bedroom, add another window, youngest children go in there because young children don't spend much time in their bedrooms and they have a playroom, and oldest children have 1 smaller bedroom each.

If they'll only be coming over for a few more years as people keep saying, what's the issue?

If OP is actually HOPING the stepchildren won't visit much anymore and that's why she says no to all suggestions, then she should say that to her husband, "I'm making your children feel unwelcome so I can pretend they don't exist". See how that goes.

Yes, and there’s a separate lounge. Plenty of options. But the OP also said she’d rather spend money on landscaping the garden than ensuring her teenage stepchildren feel comfortable in their Dad’s home. It’s clear where her priorities lie.

How about getting a quote for splitting the room professionally using a 3/4 wall with glass for the top 1/4? So that both smaller rooms have natural light. This would be a lot cheaper than the attic. Plus you could decorate the rooms at the same time to make them a bit more personalised…

It’s worse than a pita. It’s a sense of dislocation.

Move your two DC into the biggest bedroom with bunkbeds. Keep as big bedroom and playroom for two youngest.

One of your DC has the small bedroom which they vacate and stay in bunk bed room when SC come to visit. It’s kept pleasant but fairly neutral and your DC keeps all their stuff in the big bedroom. Then in three years time when DSC15 is 18 and off to uni, change again.

A bit disruptive for younger child to move rooms some days per week, but less disruptive than being a stepchild and having to move homes some days per week.

A new kitchen …

Because she clearly feels strongly about losing a reception room

Yes completely agree.

Exactly. 🙄

So do the work to make a window in each new room! It'll be much cheaper and more convenient than a loft conversion and everyone would end up with the result they need.

If you go down the route of dividing the savings pot into his and yours, you'll have to accept that when you want to use savings for a project you think is important and he doesn't, you may find he blocks you on that as he seems to feel you are blocking him here.

The obvious solution, based upon what you have said, is to do the work necessary to make that large bedroom into two, smaller but decent bedrooms.

Op won't be back folks

I think using a reception room with a sofa bed so the proper, full time, members of the family can use your bedroom as an extra space is much worse than sharping an actual bedroom with a sibling.
I read a really cute article in Homes and Gardens the other day about a couple who lived in a tiny flat in a Victorian conversion. They’d removed an awkward corridor and just divided the only bedroom from the only reception with thick curtains. I was thinking “how have they not killed each other” and “where is all their stuff?! Where is the tv” until about paragraph 10 when it’s revealed this is basically an occasional London base and they have 2 further rural properties. Lucky gits, I thought, lovely cute flat right in the middle on London plus 2 other “proper” homes. This is what people seem to think step kids have - spoilt second home owners who just need somewhere to crash after a gallery opening or a first night before they go back to their comfortable and spacious proper home where they keep all their stuff. In reality most step kids are treated as something more like a character from a Jacqueline Wilson novel than an Evelyn Waugh one. Who says they have their own rooms in their other house? Their mother might have 3yo twins and a baby crammed in a 2 bed. She might have married someone who has their dc 5 nights a week, beating the OPs sc into the much coveted “real home” spot with first dibs on space. Maybe not, maybe their other house has loads of space and they don’t have to share with another family who are there “full time” and nobody is ticking off the days until they go finally fuck off for good. Either way, they are their dads dc just as much as the small ones are. Maybe that doesn’t entitle him to his wife’s financial support but it does entitle him to try and arrange his existing home the way it’s suits his 4 children.

Most loft conversions would come under permitted development. They can be done with staggeringly different budgets. Velux rather than dormer and no plumbing on a non-trussed loft would be very achievable on a small budget before the start of the next academic year. If I was the dad I’d be inclined to go for the cheap “boarded out loft” room which would mean the house would officially be a 4 bed still but his dc would have enough space to not feel like second class citizens in his home. The big one likely has 3.5 years compulsory education/training ahead of him and take small one 4-5 maybe. It’s not a small amount of time, especially as it’s rare to actually leave home at 18 these days.

I see both of your points. In a way, it makes more sense for the kids who are there all the time to have the separate bedrooms. Does he acknowledge that?

At the same time, I could see a parent feeling terrible if they thought they'd have more time with their teenage kids if they only had their own bedrooms at your place, especially when he realizes how little is left of their childhoods. How would you feel if your kids were the ones who only lived with you less than half the time? Wouldn't you feel kind of terrible about that and want to be sure they also felt welcome and valued when they were there? Do you acknowledge that?

So, a good place to start, I think, would be to have a discussion where you both assure the other one that you do see their point as well as your own, that their point is also valid, and that you want to find a win-win solution. You do have several options and both having a spirit of cooperation rather than both only wanting your own way is an attitude that goes a long way in the give and take required.

Anyway, I think a good compromise would not involve spending a lot of money, which seems to be your biggest issue. And also finding a way to give the older girls their own rooms or at least their own semi-private spaces, which seems to be his biggest issue.

BUT- and this is important to remember, this would likely only be needed for 3-5 years. Grown young ladies will not likely spend half the week there or even be there at the same time that much. They likely won't even care about this anymore. That would leave your two to have their own bedrooms when they're a bit older and likely will care about it a lot more, as your teenage steps do now. You could also toss in a nice little "bribe" for your kids for this so they'd be happy with it, something far less expensive than a major remodel would be. (And remember, a whole lot of how they feel will be based on the attitude you show them about it).

I think sometimes the whole separate bedroom is highly overrated by adults anyway, when it comes to little kids. When my kids were the ages yours are, despite the occasional squabble, they actually preferred to share a bedroom. We ended up with an empty bedroom for a few years.

So one way around this is to swap rooms and tell all of the kids it's for 3-5 years only.

Or make a minor, inexpensive modification to the large bedroom for the teenagers or your two. Install a curtain down the middle of the room or even a wall that can be removed in a few years.

Or, use one of the living areas as a makeshift bedroom for a few years, as you mentioned. Okay, so you'd have a smaller living area for a few years, but then your kids could keep their own bedrooms and you'd get your kitchen remodel or something else that you want with the money saved from not adding on a bedroom. And you'd have husband who appreciates you graciously, temporarily, accommodating something that means a lot to him.

I would ask you, if you had to pick one of the several options available besides leaving things as they are now, which option would you choose, for the next few years? Would he find it acceptable, for the next few years?

Good luck with it!

I expect it is more about the bedrooms than you’re willing to admit.
I come from a blended family and felt really rejected when one parent moved to a property which meant I didn’t have my own bedroom. I felt so rejected it affected the relationship I had with that parent quite significantly.

I can understand why you don’t want to spend all your savings, maybe as a compromise do try splitting the large room and if that doesn’t work you can think again about converting the loft.

In that case I would turn the playroom into one of the teens bedrooms (even if downstairs)

I just don't understand this. My sense of home, with my mum, was fully intact. My dad moved out, and ceased to be part of "my family that I live with". No sense of dislocation. The family split up and there was no attempt at creating a false sense of both houses being equally home.

With 4 children, it absolutely make sense to keep the reception room if you can.

Yes, people live in smaller accommodations, but why does it have to be a race to the bottom. It's a much more welcoming, practical and happy house if the kids don't have to isolate themselves in their bedroom all the time.

Family room opened with the kitchen, separate lounge, with 4 kids and their age difference, it's not that big or luxurious.

If possible, I would relocate to a smaller bedroom myself, split the bigger bedroom (likely the master) and everybody has a bedroom. I would not turf my kids out of their room, but I would try to give privacy to the older ones.

If the older ones are not there part-time, half of the storage in their bedroom could be used by someone else as a compromise.

Have either you or DP actually asked the older children what they would like? They may well be staying with friends because their dad’s is less attractive as they get older and sharing a room is a requirement. Also they will continue to get older, may move away for university or work and will, presumably at some point, have partners they’d like to come to stay.

Converting the loft might be expensive, but potentially could create a large space (or multiple rooms) that could be used by your younger children as well.

YABU for marrying a man who already has children, then being surprised that he feels entitled to use all of your savings to expand your house for extra bedrooms.

how is it not a positive?
I'm sure if you asked them if they'd rather share a room at their mums as well they'd say no!
Surely having your own room 4 days a week is better than never having your own room?

The thing is the can be bit OP doesn’t want to

what are you on about? Your post doesn't make any sense at all.

You can make up any scenario you want in your own head, but that's not terribly helpful to the OP or relevant to the thread.

Lots and lots of solutions here I’m sure you’ll find something that everybody will be happy with without converting your loft.

I looked into making just a third bedroom in our loft and frankly nobody wanted to go in there. So that was that.