Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

Not only that, I BET if THEY had ANOTHER child and he suggested building an extra room to accommodate THEIR now 3 children, guaranteed she wouldn't hesitate to be in agreement! This is about her resentment towards that other woman's kids and nothing at all to do with building extra space. Just my opinion.🙂

Yes that last sentence is well put.

I agree OP. It's all very well PP's saying that your (mixed sex) DC should share but for how long? Will your DD be expected to still share with her brother when she gets to secondary school in a few short years, whilst her older Ssiblings still have a room each on the (by then ,possibly), few occasions that they stay?

The extra bedroom will presumably add value to your property. Also, is this something you could part fund with a larger mortgage?

If not, there’s so many innovative ways to split bedrooms into 2. It might create quite a cool den style space.

If you do the loft conversion, I’d consider making it a suite, with en-suite & walk in wardrobe and moving yourself up there so you benefit from the work.

yeah, you could spend, what, ten grand or more and then they wouldn't even want to stay often anyway.

However I do think you are being unreasonable to not let them have one of the lounges as a bedroom, which wouldn't cost you anything, when your dc have rooms of their own to play and another lounge.Put a sofa bed in there and some sort of storage that means their stuff is out of view and you can still use it the way you want for 4 days a week.

Either that or split the room they are in now in half, but it is a bit harsh to have one in essentially a cave! Perhaps split the room, turn downstairs lounge into another bedroom and your kids can have the dark half as their playroom if it isn't important for children to have natural light!

@Flowerpower456 the OP also stated her kids have a playroom! My kids never had a playroom! But I don’t see you having a go at her about that. How is a playroom OK and a spare room not ok?

Does the issue go away at that point though? University age kids have long holidays and by that point are likely to be even less happy about sharing.

Obviously the OP might not mind if they stay at their mum's all the time but her DH might well want them to visit..

Keep in mind that an advantage of treating them with more consideration and equality now is that they may have more of chance to grow into adults without too much emotional damage from their disrupted childhood and position as second class occupants in their Dad's home. If it is hard for you to focus on their happiness, then keep in mind that in the long run your life will be easier if their Dad and they are as happy and well adjusted as is possible after such a disrupted childhood.

If you worry about your own financial protection then that is a separate conversation to have with DH, but it is rare for a loft conversion not to add value to a house so you shouldn't be losing out in the long run but what you need as a financial cushion in the shorter term needs to be discussed. Also, get more quotes on the conversion. Costs can change a lot between a basic velux conversion and a big dormer conversion with en-suite.

Your SC should continue to share. It's not their primary home. There's no problem sharing. Your DC should get a room each.

So you don’t want your kids to share a room, you don’t want to convert the loft and you don’t want to use the spare reception. So you aren’t willing to compromise at all, you think your step kids should just suck it up?

If it could be an option to split the step children’s current room, Would it not be possible to get a window fitted in the half of the room that wouldn’t have one?

otherwise I would be inclined to go for the loft conversion, maybe with two smallish rooms, and you would then have a nice spare room for guests.

Step children rarely get what they want

We have 3 DC, they all have their own rooms but we did allocate it when we moved house as the youngest having biggest room and oldest having smallest room for the reason you said about toys. In your situation even with full time residency I think I would have the teens sharing and the younger ones in their own rooms, preferably with a divider for the teens if possible. Could you switch the master bedroom to being theirs space wise so they have a bit more room to divide the space with a screen?
I think having 2 younger children sharing is far from ideal as the mess from them playing and mixing up toys would be too much, as well as them waking eachother when trying to get to sleep.

Any family needs to keep a savings buffer for unexpected eventualities. It sounds like you can’t do this and convert the attic, so you can’t really afford the work. Maybe he can save hard for the next year and then pay for it entirely by himself. But as the 15/16 year old only has 2 more years of school, it doesn’t seem worthwhile.

Can you put a sofa bed in the other reception room and when the sdcs come one can have that as their room, so no one else uses it whilst they're staying but it's a family room the rest of the time?

What do the sdcs suggest? I'd ask them for their ideas
Can you build a room in the garden, like a summerhouse or home office type of thing?
Would potentially cost less that a loft conversion.

If another bedroom were created then your DC could have the bigger rooms?

Careful, I got slated by another poster for suggesting a spare room.

YANBU if they are regularly spending less than 3 nights a week with you. It makes no sense to convert rooms that will be empty most of the time.

If they have the biggest room and you can split that, then that is probably the cheapest option, with moving the existing window and adding another.

Is that in case the mother in law ever has the timerity to think she could stay the night? 😆

She said it’s an extension of her kitchen area..

I definitely think this is an option worth exploring.

I wouldn't go for the curtain type partition because it doesn't help with some of the issues with sharing - things like light, noise, privacy (e.g. you can't talk privately with a friend or on the phone or cry or anything).

And it also doesn't feel like a long term solution - if you intend to stay in the house long term, I think an extra bedroom for when the children grow up and have partners/spouses/children would be much more useful than a room partitioned with a curtain

Can you split the DSS room into 2 but also add a window so they both get a window?

I don't know how people seem to miss the constant headlines saying that more and more young people are still living at home well into their twenties and thirties, and still insist that everyone moves out the day they turn 18. Half of 20-24 year olds still live at home, and 18% of 25-34 year olds. The DSC could be with OP for a decade or two yet.

Even if they go to uni, more and more DC are doing so locally and commuting. Even if they move away, uni terms are short, they'll still need somewhere to come back to.

Or they might want to move out of their mum's and move in with their dad and OP permanently once they are adults, if they get a job nearby or something.

Would people STOP using that fact that the SC have another bedroom elsewhere as a POSITIVE! It's not a positive, it's a pain in the arse.

To those saying - they don't need their own rooms if they have them at their mum's. I actually think that makes it worse not better for two reasons

1. It will make their mum's home much more attractive and while the OP probably doesn't care if they don't come over as much, her DH does

2. it probably makes sharing a lot harder if they haven't grown up doing it and don't have to most of the time. Kids that do it 100% of the time might well hate it as well but there's more of a chance that they get used to working around each other.

And actually there's a third one too which is that in a house with younger children, they might well feel more need for their own space than they otherwise would because younger kids are naturally louder and more present in the communal space