Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

This ⬆️. YABVU, you have different solutions using either the loft space or the cheaper option of using the downstairs space. I think that you need to compromise and think about what your DH and his children would like/need. If you use the downstairs space and the children come less, this could be converted back.

I would look at the downstairs bedroom option, or the possibility of a garden room that you can say is the teen den when they are there and then doubles up as a study or office. They clearly want a space for themselves but a loft renovation is really expensive and can be major work. It could add quite a bit to the property value though, the 5 beds with lift exptensions near us are 200k more than the unextended ones.
But if you dont want tge expense then a garden room or the downstairs room could be good for them, a teen den area would give them a second space if they wanted to be apart but private, give them somewhere to hang out and watch tv etc as they are older.

I feel sad for the stepchildren. You have the same attitude that my dad’s wife did.

If both parents have the same attitude that they are only here 3/4 days a week, let’s not treat them equally, then they will never feel at home anywhere. That is so sad. Thankfully my mum and stepdad did it think that way!

@Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit my DD ended up deciding against student accommodation because it was all grim and expensive for what the space offered.

I read all your posts OP, and wondering why you posted, other than to get a load of posters supporting your position.

YABVU for this I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home

As if the DSC have chosen to flit between homes like billionaire celebs.

I agree with a pp who said that you and your dh choosing to have a 4th child is what has created this.

I am not against same sex sibs sharing, but your attitude is off, as if somehow the dsc are less deserving of their own space because they only stay a few times a week. It sounds like there is plenty of space for you to make a meaningful adjustment for them.

One of your kids in the double (room for both to play)
one of step children in play room
new garden room which becomes new play room for all the kids (so put a ping pong table or darts so DSC feel equally welcome )

I think you’re being very unreasonable, you’ve said no to everything your DH has suggested and everyone’s suggestions on here. I can see why DH wouldn’t want to split their rooms if it would leave one room without a window. Could you swap rooms with them and split your “master” room instead so they can have their own bedrooms (assuming your master has two windows)?

You have to compromise on this but you seem totally unwilling to compromise in a way that will affect yours or your children’s comfort (even very slightly), whilst not caring that their time staying at yours every week is spent in discomfort.

To me the easiest solution is to make the downstairs room a second bedroom (perhaps with a very comfortable sofa bed if you want to use it while they’re staying at mums). It’s their home too but you’re treating them like second class family.

Can you extend your home downstairs and have a sofa bed for one of them and then the whole family can use the room when they are not there.
I wouldn't use all your savings because I know teenagers plans change etc.

@BownnTown doesn’t matter how it looks as an adult, the SC will always feel excluded. Just my opinion of course; yours is equally valid but the point of this site is for OP to ask for opinions!

I did it, the step kids are now in their 40s, do I get to have an opinion? Or is there another reason you’d like to discount it?

It would be way way more suitable to have a 4 year old and a 7 year old share than a 13 and 15 year old and I can't believe you've been that selfish. At 4 and 7 they don't view sharing as a bad thing, lots of kids WANT to share at that age, whereas at 13 and 15 sharing a room is much much harder.

Come on OP it's very obvious your 2 younger children get preferential treatment, and I wonder in what other respects things are unfair in this blended family.

The 4yr old and 7yr old should be sharing on the basis the 15 year old is moving out /off to uni at 18 so it's only for 3 years, by which time the younger two are 7 and 10 which is a really good time to then give own rooms.

I’d also recommend getting a valuation from an estate agent based on your plans as, depending on your area, most/all of the money that you spend on an attic conversion will be added to the house value.

Exactly this smdh.

I agree with you, OP. Your children are there full time, and it's their only home.

The others have another home, where I presume they have separate rooms.

It was normal to share at one point. It won't do them any harm.

If they moved in full time it would be different, but they're not.

The children cannot all be treated equally because their situations aren't the same.

If you had unlimited money I'd also say do it, but you don't. Savings are important. What if one of them is in an accident and needs to fund being off work for ages? What if they need a new car?

What about using some of the money for the loft conversion to get a joiner in to transform the room? Something like this with their own section on either side

I agree with you, OP.

It doesn't matter if that isn't what OP wants to use all of her savings for.

Omg am I right in thinking you have a playroom 🙄

So the two favourite little kids each have a bedroom PLUS have a playroom, while the two teens who need personal space have 1 room to share.

You KNOW that's wrong OP.

It should be that the largest bedroom goes to one of the youngest kids and also has playroom space in it for the two of them, then the playroom is a bedroom for one of the teens so that everyone has a private space.

Yes, I can't believe these children who depend upon me for food and shelter are so amenable!

And you only have to be resilient to negative experiences, so they know they're hurting these children when they say that.

YANBU and a loft conversion is far too big an investment for this issue - the DSC would be nearly adults by the time the mess and chaos was over.

Could the large room they share be converted to give them both more privacy?

How about buying this:
https://funkybunkbeds.com/product/room-divider-bunk-bed/
which is a floor-to-ceiling bunk bed designed to split a room into two distinct and private zones for sharers

It can never be equal because OP’s step sons have another bedroom/s at their mum’s. OP’s children live there full time and they aren’t the same sex so can’t share a room.

@Georgey0 YANBU. My brothers shared a bedroom and I had my own. It’s normal for same sex siblings to share a bedroom. Don’t agree to the loft conversion.

I mean realistically a loft conversion doesn’t exactly take a weekend… it could be by the time it’s done eldest will be nearing uni age anyway (depending on if that is the plan)

If their room is a double can it not be split into two single rooms? Or the walls shifted internally to create two bigger single rooms?

I didn’t say they had to have one, or that everyone should have one. But from reading the OPs posts it seems they live in a larger than average house and have funds available to make alterations if needed. Creating a spare room for the future while meeting the needs of the older children could be another advantage of doing some work.
It’s not a race to the bottom you know.