Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

I would have the second reception room as a bedroom for the oldest dsc but with a comfy but fold up bed so it can revert to a reception room when they are not around. That means no empty rooms. All renovation is much more expensive now and dsc might prefer their dad to help them more with a house deposit instead.

Well, the logical thing would be for people not to have second families, wouldn't it? That's not how life woks though, emotions do come into it.

a 4yo and 7yo can share for a couple of years. At that age, my children only used the bedrooms for sleeping and a bit of play after evening bath. Teenagers do need their own space and will use it.

do the younger ones have a playroom?

I personally would do the loft if you can afford it you are totally right it is expensive and an upheaval (we’ve recently done ours) but it has also added value to our house as well as allowing our children to have their own rooms even though 2 of them could have easily shared as same sex/small age gap.
i would put a master bedroom and a bathroom in the loft and have the children on the lower floor if they aren’t of an age that need you frequently in the night.
3 nights a week is not an insignificant amount of time and having a guest room is handy anyway if you have family to stay or use it as extra income.
You don’t want a bedroom downstairs, you don’t want to do the loft, you don’t sound like you are offering any flexibility and if I was your husband I would resent that a little.

Grazeboard

If I meet someone with kids, they automatically become my kids once we cement our relationship, my home is THEIR home, everything I have I will SHARE with them, they are a part of me and I will do whatever it takes to make them HAPPY, comfortable and have a 'home from home' until they go home.

Of course, everyone is a perfect parent (or step-parent) until they have children 😂so well done you.

If nothing else, how bizarre to want to put your own children aside and not prioritise them. How ridiculous to pretend you would meet mteenagers and suddenly feel exactly the same for them as your own children.

On an anonymous forum, it's so easy. Maybe don't try it in real life, you are in for a massive shock if you are even genuine.

On MN that usually means the step children getting exactly what they want, which is hardly equal.

No, it’s her husband’s responsibility.

Wake op and listen to you.
There is many red flags going on... Listen to your gut.

Sorry but why do they have to have a room for guests? Very offensive to the majority of families who can afford houses that barely meet their own sleep needs without the luxuries of extra space. Get real

Awful.

Is everyone like, really rich on this thread? It’s as if some posters have never lived in a world where siblings share bedrooms? We don’t all have big, sprawling houses.

Anyway, I moved everything around in my house and sacrificed the DC’s comfort who actually lives here full time so that same sex DSC could have their own rooms. And then they decided not to really stay anyway due to constant ‘plans’ elsewhere.

I think YABU but just because you don’t want the loft option or the downstairs option, so in reality you just don’t want any viable option. And then you mention “his kids”, which also makes it sounds like you don’t see them quite as part of your family.

Personally, I’d do the loft. One of them is 13 so you’re looking at potentially another 10 years coming over. And even if they don’t, then your kids will have an awesome room to hang out at or one of them might want to move into it.

I think the downstairs room idea would wear down quickly just because of the noise around it once the household wakes up and is using the spaces nearby.

I’d really love to see the reaction if this was the reverse and it was a step father posting.

I couldn't get myself too upset about this and I wouldn't spend my savings or start messing about with room partitions and window changes. I'd give one dc the playroom, the other 3 could have a room upstairs. You probably want the younger ones on the same floor as you so one of the dsc would have to sleep downstairs. Draw lots to allocate the rooms fairly and maybe swap every year so they all get a turn in the double room. That seems kind of obvious to me.

If the idea of a downstairs bedroom is a complete anathema to you consider a wall mounted fold down bed so when they aren't there it looks like a cupboard. These are great. I lived in a studio for 3 years which had one of these. Folded down it took up pretty much the whole room. Folded up I had a sitting room. I loved it. They are proper beds, not uncomfortable like sofa beds.

In the interests of having a happy life don't let petty stuff like this destroy you. The dsc are nearly grown up, they'll be gone in a few years and your DH will miss them. Make them feel welcome and foster a good relationship with them. You only get one life. Is it really worth wrecking your marriage over a play room?

I think you should properly investigate all the ways you might be able to give the DSC their own bedrooms and show your DH that you are taking this seriously. To you they are stepchildren, to him they are just his children. They will still be his children (and potentially want a home with him) in 5/10/20 years time.

You are focusing on bedrooms being unused sometimes, rather than on adding value to your home/making the teenagers not feel like visitors. Are your savings actually going to give a better return than investing in your property.

Get more quotes for the loft conversion. Do it without dormer windows. Look at reconfiguring your current bedrooms. Look at different ways to use the rooms downstairs. Would a daybed in the playroom be an option?

How is that awful?! Only one has parental responsibility and financial responsibility ( they have separate finances as well!) and it’s not her.

We looked into doing our loft and it was eye-wateringly expensive, we decided against for that reason.
It's obviously great that your husband wants his children to be comfortable but when they launch into the real world they need to be adaptable young men . For example I live near New Cross in London we have a Russell group university here, Goldsmiths, and their halls of residence are right on the main road and are are small and expensive. It must be a shock to some students.
I'm from Cambridge and I have family who work in the colleges and boy are their student rooms bleak! One of the colleges Emmauel is physically part of the bus station for example.
And the Royal Navy do some work in the school I am employed in currently and the sleeping arrangements for newly enlisted sailors are also not all that great. A windowless but still private room in a comfortable house is luxury in comparison. I think your husband may need to be realistic here.

Do you have room in the garden for an annexe/ garden room that they could sleep in? Less money, less mess.....

Could you offer what you originally thought your share of the cost would be and him pay the difference?

This.

I can't understand why a solution that makes everyone else happy, and adds value onto your house is being ignored. Savings will rebuild again over time. In the end it could be worth more than she puts in. Just seems like OP doesn't want to use her money for something that directly benefits her husband's children and is ignoring that it will benefit her down the line as well.

I already have doughnut, and they're my life! 🥰🤣

Not everyone is as shallow minded as you Miss, some of us are 'socially adept' enough to understand the difference between an 'adult and a child', & not let our hidden, 'bitter' feelings (if any!) cloud our judgement.

Sounds to me like some unlucky womans' kids have been around you and your contempt for them is evident smdh. Cry about it, I said what I said 🙂

I think changing one of the downstairs rooms to a bedroom is the best idea. If this was the other way round and it was your children you were trying to accommodate you would be annoyed with the husband for saying they should just continue to share and it's only for a few years.

It would surely be a lot cheaper to make the playroom into a private room and section it off and I imagine a quicker job that a full on loft conversion.

@Georgey0 is there any chance you could draw out the floor plan of both up & downstairs. Actually seeing how your space is currently laid out might help some clever MNer come up with a doable option you’ve not thought of.

either way. Good luck to you. It’s always hard to balance everyone’s needs. And kids are not always the best at seeing a situation as the best over all for everyone when there can be so much sibling comparisons/ perfectly normal levels of jealousy.

Rather than a loft conversion if you were going to spend quite a lot of money on changing the house, could you add a downstairs extension that would increase your kitchen / playroom space whatever you chose and then freed up a downstairs room as a bedroom. This could be turned back in the future if it wasn't getting much use and also it would add value to the house by increasing the downstairs and make your life nicer as you would have a new downstairs space. Obviously I don't know how feasible a downstairs extension is, but I think it might be a more effective way of spending that money if you were going to do something.

I'd be very nervous having no savings that were easy to access in this current economic climate and with the state of the nhs.

I appreciate many have no savings anyway, but op does.