Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

YANBU. Presumably the step kids have their own rooms at their own house, they don’t need separate rooms at your house too - especially at their ages as they’re unlikely to still be doing sleep overs in the next 5 years

You have 3 alternative ways to give them separate bedrooms:

1. partition the DSCs room
2. swap with them and partition the master room (this is what I think you should do)
3. Have the DSC at alternating times so they aren’t there at the same time.

You should meet him half way by offering these solutions and see if he is willing to compromise or if he sticks to just assuming this is his decision to make unilaterally. His attitude would annoy be tbh.

I think DH is wrong to expect you to pay towards a conversion @Georgey0 but at the ages your younger kids are, it would have made more sense for them to have shared in the first place. However, not having done so at the start makes it hard to change that now.

Why not a short term solution for the short term?

The long term viability is excuse not reason.

No her kids should not have been made to share, they live there 100% of the time! It would be madness for two bedrooms to be sat empty most of the week

He must know how much is in your personal savings or he wouldn't be trying to control how you spend it. Stop giving him that information moving forward. And personally, I think siblings sharing a room has a lot of positives, so if your SKs have their own room at mum's, they're getting the best of both worlds by sharing at dad's.

100% agreed

The loft conversion would still add value to the house though.

I think it's a bit fanciful to think that SC generally feel as though both houses are "home" when there's an RP and NRP rather than 50/50. As a SC myself, I viewed it as living at home and staying at my dad's. Based on others I know, I thought was normal.

this. my house is 'home' exes house is 'dads house' and they tolerate going.

You could find out how much value the extra bedroom would give your property if you were to sell with 5 beds rather than 4. It might be worth the effort for future investment. Two guests rooms or one office, and guest room.

If it is your forever home then all these children will eventually have families and partners of their own and you’ll be able to host them all at the same time.

I’ve got a different but similar issue in that my eldest two daughters are barely home but my youngest is in the box room and neither of the older ones is willing to swap. Part of the problem is it is so expensive for them to move out so they flit between their partners house and mine.

You really don’t think sharing a room plays a part? If they have their own room at home?

ok…

Why not? The ones that are there 100% don't have the inconvenience of having separated parents, their things spread over two homes, the upheaval of trying to live in two homes with all the disruption that brings.

Step children/step parent threads ALWAYS validate how shit I felt growing up as a stepchild.

Most people couldn't give a shit and boil everything down to rooms and holidays and amounts given at Christmas

Are either SC in years 10-13? If yes, then they need quiet private space to study until they finish school.

i think this thread has too much emotion posts, it is a logical situation as well as financial

I think perhaps there are much greater tragedies in terms of humanity going on in the world to concern yourself with at the moment but you do you.
I say this as someone who’s oldest daughter has a stepfather ( my husband) .. she sadly does not have parental responsibility and as much as I am sure she cares for her step children it is not legally her concern or something she has influence over. It is her husbands responsibility and their mothers that they are housed suitably. He knew when he had further children what he had to do.. it should have been sorted years ago but it is not the OPs job to use her personal and separate money to finance this. She does however have a responsibility to her children.

but that is your feeling, clouding your judgement

No, it's a judgement based on experience.

This is utterly bonkers. She did not agree to sign over all her money to her husband to do with as he pleases when she got married. She is still an autonomous human in her own right. They have separate finances which is a completely legitimate way of structuring a marriage.

And he won’t go ahead with his wishes regardless- because he needs her money to do it.

Surely rooms being “sat empty” matters less than children’s feelings.

Is so the loft conversion, if you can afford it, as it would add value to your house. Maybe with an agreement with your husband that he will contribute more to refilling your savings afterwards.

You’ll be adding to the value of your home

you say their room can’t be split, but can the master bedroom be split and you move in to their room as you say it’s so big

do you DC have so many toys that they have their own rooms AND a play room?

I can see why the DSC are wanting to spend less time there as you sound like you don’t make them feel very at home/wanted there if you’re not willing to compromise in any way for them

They may not be permanent residents, but it should feel as much their house as their step siblings, and obviously it doesn't with this situation -they are being treated like guests.

It was your decision to get with a man who already had two children and bring another two children into the mix. Your step children are at tricky ages, I think you need to accommodate them. Realistically, it'll only be for three years or so.

People saying “oh it’ll add value to your property, why wouldn’t you have it converted”…
Well for starters you’ve clearly never lived in a house having a loft conversion done - it’s not a quick bit of boarding out and painting. Weeks/months of disruption and even with the best builders there is mess and dust that gets everywhere. There are almost always extra costs.
It doesn’t guarantee an increase in property value - taking a 2 bed to a 3 bed, it probably will. Taking a 4 bed to a 5 bed, maybe not - what’s the demand for 5 beds in the area etc?
Biggest of all: it will eat up all of both of their savings. This is critical - savings are a safety net, a buffer. There are regularly posts on here of people panicking when something goes wrong and they haven’t the means to fix it. Boiler packs up? Car bites the dust? Someone loses their job? If all of their savings are gone then they’re in one seriously precarious position.

I would however, talk to the SC (they’re old enough) and ask them what they would like before making any kind of decision on reconfiguring rooms. What do they actually need space wise, would one of them be happy in the downstairs room? (Lots of people don’t like downstairs bedrooms) How would they like their existing room divided up if possible. Bring them into the conversation instead of Dad assuming that a loft conversion etc is the answer.

Oh I’ll tell that to the many young people I work with who continue to be affected by these dynamics into adulthood. Who struggle with feeling not good enough, like they weren’t valued or loved, like their parents prioritized the new kids needs over their own. The people whose relationships into adulthood are affected by feeling that they don’t deserve to be treated well.

I’ll just tell them ‘you’re too emotional about this stuff, it’s a logical / financial decision because your step mum wanted a new kitchen / landscape gardener’