Neighbour I barely know approached DH to imply that I'm cheating

[NC2StayAnonymous25]

I've been with my DH for 8 years, we moved into our current properly (an apartment) 2 years ago.

Below us lives a woman and her son, who looks around 21ish yo.

We don't know them to speak to bar a polite hello when passing in the foyer.

About three weeks ago the son approached my DH and said "are you still with your misses?"

DH, confused, says "yes, why?"

The neighbours lad then tells him that he saw me with another man the previous week, on a certain street, talking to him on the doorstep, and he thinks that he should have words with me!

DH didn't mention anything about it until tonight when we had a disagreement about something unrelated.

I'm livid.

I was able to explain exactly who it was and why (completely, unequivocally innocent of any wrongdoing - I was collecting an amazon fire tablet from a seller on Facebook marketplace!)

I would understand it if the neighbours were friends of DH and had spotted me kissing/cuddling somebody, but to interfere and stir up trouble without any suggestion I was up to no good, has pissed me right off.

It's the implication that I'm not 'allowed' to interact with men in any capacity, or I must be shagging them.

I really want to give the lad a piece of my mind but I'm being told that if I do then I ..yes I.. am going to cause trouble.

Am I being unreasonable or is the neighbour?

For what it's worth, I completely agree with this post

I'd be careful of confronting him, it might escalate things. There's a lot that a nasty neighbour can do to make your lives miserable.

I know this gossip is bad, but you don't really want to become his focus.

I think just ignore.

I'm not sure it's worth confronting the neighbour about. It might just stir up trouble. As others have said though, I would be annoyed at your husband's reaction. Doesn't he trust you? Mine would tell me about a comment like that and we laugh about it.

If you must say something (and I understand your indignation) I'd keep it extremely light.

Next time you see him, I'd probably say something like, "Oh, Matthew, I'm glad I ran into you! I just wanted to put your mind at rest about the man whose doorstep you saw me on - I was picking up an Amazon Fire tablet rather than conducting a firey affair! Quite a lot less interesting, I'm afraid! Haha. You can always give me a wave and say hello if you spot me out and about, you know - might save some confusion! Off you fuck Tutty-bye!"

If you are actually able to pull off the light-hearted, 'no, of course I understand you were concerned for DH, no problem at all, what a funny misunderstanding' tone I do actually think it's better to raise it as it puts him on notice you have a strong relationship, suggests he hasn't caused any trouble at all and may actually smooth over relations.

If you can't, and is going to be clear you're annoyed, just say nothing!

Mine too. He'd have laughed in his face and come home to (jokingly) tell me I shouldn't be seen in public speaking to any men without him present.

Do it

Yes, I agree with this. It screams Tate influence. And also a drugged up view of what he sees. Man and woman talking in the street - affair!!

I would definitely go round and speak to him ideally in front of his mother. Ask him why he made those comments, and remind him that he’s the one who is actually breaking the law.

Nah I’d be having words with him in front of his mother.

This sounds like Andrew Tate little ratty behaviour and he deserves to be shamed for it. Go play with boys your age.

A few posters might say that and others would say don’t interfere. Anyway, this young man had no evidence and was making a weird assumption.

So you get your own back.

Just wait.

You will have your chance.

I wonder if this kid has been watching those MRA/incel type crap on the internet where they seem obsessed with women cheating and being disloyal....and other such nonsense.

Many decades ago I had a long term boyfriend in uni...one day I'd been to the gym. My boyfriend said to me, I heard you were talking to men in the gym today...so and so saw you. I was totally confused and then remembered I'd bumped into my boyfriends housemates so had said hello to them.

He's a really strange character. I agree with the comparisons to incels and Andrew Tate.

He always seems to be lurking about at the bottom of the stairs in the foyer area. He stands there rolling his joints, goes outside the front door to smoke them, then comes back in and stands around.

Probably keeping tabs on people in the building by the looks of it.

I am pissed off with DH yes. I told him last night he should have told me straight away and that he'd be the first person I told if the shoe was on the other foot.

RE asking does DH trust me, I don't think he does completely no. He has been less than angelic himself and I think suspects that one day I might do something in retaliation. I wouldn't.

I agree with PP that you only have your husband's word that the neighbour said anything to him. I would tell your husband you are going to speak to the neighbour to ask them why they thought talking to a man on a doorstep was suspicious and see how he reacts.

Why would your neighbour assume anything? You could have been visiting a relative. How many 20ish young men would give unsolicited relationship advice to an older married man that they have no relationship with? I suspect your husband saw you at a time when he was somewhere he wasn't supposed to be.

To leave it weeks and only mention it during a disagreement is odd. Surely most people would come home and conversationally say "so and so said they saw on x street today" rather than wait to frame it as an accusation. Although I think, "I picked up the Amazon fire from the FB seller today" would be usual too.

Is your husband prone to being suspicious?

Well no. OP says it was her collecting something from a FB marketplace seller, so obviously the neighbour saw her. I’d be livid and l’d have to say something.

OP any chance you can nip it on the bud by telling them that if there is any more interference you will seek legal advice for harassment. Do they own their flat or are they renting ? If renting you can report this to the landlord or housing association if it continues.

Totally agree with this approach.

I’d deffo be more mad at your DH for not talking to you about it immediately! And I think women on here would be told to speak to their DH’s about it and ‘watch their reaction’ and then if necessary look out for further evidence.

As for the lad, (and at the risk of sounding way too much like I work with teenagers and feel
most young people are struggling)he is a 21 year old, weed smoking, potential incel, who lives in a flat with his mum!

Am I the only one who feels he was clumsily trying to engage your DH? Does he have a dad? It’s possible that he thinks this is how all men should behave and by engaging in a light hearted way, you could be the one to show him a little bit of how real couples actually live their lives trusting each other?

I would be very sceptical that this conversation took place at all.

I would assume it was your H himself who saw you because he has been " keeping an eye" on you. But couldn't keep the information of what he'd seen to himself any longer and invented the story of the neighbour so he didn't have to reveal he has been checking up on you himself.
And he is discouraging you from confronting the neighbour incase you find out they had nothing to do with this at all.

I think they rent privately. It's a new-ish build. No housing association tenants that I'm aware of.

I did wonder this at the time but upon reflection DH was at home at the time with our DC, if he'd have been out spying on me I'd have known about it from them.

Why would her DH wait three weeks if he had seen her himself ? Why would he involve the neighbour if it wasn’t true, when OP could so easily check ? You’re implying that DH was doing something he shouldn't - how is that helpful ?

The Fact your husband brought it up mid-argument, I suppose to try to get an upper hand? Would be what annoyed me most! If it were mine, he’d have firstly defended my honour and told the lad to keep his nose out of other peoples business and also would have come to me straight away “listen to the nonsense Mr Ganja has just to me ha ha ha”…

As for the neighbour, just cut off any form of communication with him, he sounds like one of those chavvy people who lives off creating drama (we all know the type!)🤢

The neighbour is a busy body and the husband is a total jerk. No one should accept comments like ‘have a word with your wife’ FFS, what a bloody caveman attitude.

Sounds like this lad doesn’t have anything better to do than spy on neighbours.

@NC2StayAnonymous25 lurking in the foyer kinda sounds like dealing, but someone would have noticed if there was a lot of in-and-out

Definitely grass the weirdo up to the landlord.

Other than that I wouldn’t engage with the incel. I might be tempted to speak to his mother about how her kid behaves around women, if you think she’d be receptive. I’d (metaphorically) kick mine up the arse if he was talking about women like that.

Same !! And told him to do one 🤣