DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

I imagine he’s annoyed to be working so you can beneficently help out friends

how old are your kids

Cost it up. Work out how much childcare for 3 would cost, cleaner etc, and then what wage you'd bring in, and show him. Don't forget to mention that of course you'd save money if he took on more of the above tasks as well.

It’s not up to you whether you’re happy with it or not. If you expect another adult to fund your life then that adult has to be happy to do so, that adult is now not happy to do so, time to get applying for jobs.

Personally, I know I would hate to have to deal with the pressure of being the sole breadwinner, so I would never force my DH into that role by refusing to work.

Being a SAHM needs to suit both parties otherwise it's not working. You need to find a job otherwise it's not working for your marriage. He's not wrong. It works for some families but it's not working for him which is understandable.

Plus nobody needs a cleaner. It's a luxury.

OP has said “school runs” so I’d assume kids are school age and therefore childcare is minimal.

Also, lots of us do actually clean our own houses AND work- crazy I know- so a cleaner is not an essential cost😂😂

What does ‘a caregiver to my family’ mean? Is it the same as a stay at home mum?

Millions of other people do it every day. Try it. You might like it.
Why do you need a cleaner ??

What did you do before kids? If it's boring or low-paying, could you explore the possibility of working towards something more fulfilling and/or lucrative?

Being a SAHM is rewarding while the kids are young enough to need school-running, but once they're in secondary, it becomes a bit redundant (if the DCs have no special needs). You may well want to pick up something else.

For now, you might be able to put off your DH for a year or two by starting to train for a role that really interests you.

You're happy, he isn't. Fair enough to point out he'd need to step up more with other tasks for the house if you start work. How old are the dc out of interest?

Your kids are in school
Your cleaner cleans the house.

He's right.

But what's his side in the new deal?.is he going to do half the school runs, half the cooking and housework, take half the days off when kids are home sick? It's not as simple as him deciding he doesn't want to fund their lifestyle as it is - because it's not her lifestyle, it's also his, free from responsibility of childcare etc. it has to be a joint decision including a shift in responsibilities.

I think you’re being a little unfair , it’s a lot of pressure to be the sole earner for a family. How old are the kids? Also , for you, it will give you your own money plus pension etc and secure your future?

Are you automatically unable to clean a house if you work? Wish someone had told me that.

The pressure of being the sole breadwinner is obvs affecting your DH. It’s time to share the financial load and stop expecting him to fund everything. Stop being so selfish and start looking for jobs.

The burden of being the sole earner is serious. You can’t just expect him to take that on indefinitely if it isn’t working for him.

At the same time, if you go back to work, the division of labor needs to change. He needs to do his share of school runs and sick days. If you work, your job needs to be equal, even if you earn less. Otherwise you have no hope of advancing in your career.

Draw up a potential schedule

Add in the household and child care timetable he will have to contribute to..
My exh post divorce ranted I hadn't worked and that sil managed...
We had 4 under 7 and I lived a good hour from my dps.. His dps lived in sil's street and had provided free childcare the entirety of her dc's childhood..yet I was the Bad Guy....

This was new news to me too!! It’s always amusing when stay at home parents think that working parents don’t also do all the things they do 🤣

I mean it’s not just up to you to decide he’ll do all the working to financially support the whole family, and you’ll forever be a SAHM (still very hard work I know). That’s a lot of pressure on him.
BUT, make sure he understands that if you’re working, school runs, housework, errands etc are split between the two of you. It doesn’t then mean you work AND do all the childcare and housework.

It seems reasonable for both adults in a household to have paid employment, especially if the children are all at school. Of course, your DH would have to take over some of the housework and childcare that you are currently doing.

You need to take his viewpoint seriously and not just brush it off.

Despite the arguments you put forward, it doesn't work for him anymore. Therefore change needs to happen for both of you and you both need to come up with a plan.

If you ignore it you may end up splitting up and be forced back to work anyway. Many couples have over situations like this once resentment builds up.

I worked full time when we had four children. That included being on call at night (I was a community midwife).

We shared the housework. No cleaner.

That’s the negotiating, but you cannot as an adult just decide you’re not going to work and expect somebody else to fund your life when they do not want to- which is what OP is doing.

I have a question, will he take on 50% of the life admin and child care etc when kids are ill off of school. If so, then fair enough. If not, then no, I don't think he should ask this of you.