DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

I imagine that other adult wouldn't be so happy if he now has to start pulling his weight around the house and with the children. OP said he doesn't even do any of school-runs. This goes both ways. If he wants a contribution financially, than he will also have to give in elbow grease and the cognitive load.

This sort of post/poster annoys me.

I’m female. My partner works PT but to all intents I’m the sole breadwinner on a 6 figure salary. I feel the pressure of being the main earner and have a very stressful role. If I’m honest the main irritation with DH is not him pulling his weight (which he does) it’s him not realising the burden I carry mentally and financially. Guess what - I also parent, share household duties and volunteer as a school governor.

You have listed all the reasons why you don’t need to work. In no way have I seen you list the reasons why you should and why your partner might be asking you to.

I'd like to be he hasn't even given any of that passing thought!!

how dare you husband not fund your dilly-dallying really 😤

I get that being the sole earner is stressful but if you go back to work, how much of the slack will your DH pick up? I know I ended up doing all the school runs, appointments and charging around like a headless chicken ferrying DS to various clubs and relatives during the holidays because my now ex-DH wanted me to work but didn’t want to change his lifestyle and actually do anything. It caused a huge amount of resentment.

This

Get a remote job working from home so you can do all the childcare after they return home from school. While they're at school, you can earn a wage like the rest of us and pay tax.

If he decides that he wants to be a SAHP as well, will you be OK with that?

You don't get to unilaterally decide that earning for the family is his responsibility. The default position is that you each contribute equally to family finances, childcare and domestic responsibilities. If you want to deviate from that default, it has to be by mutual consent.

Cost it up,put kids in summer club
Crack on,like every other 2 working adult family

No not this.

See my post above. We can easily afford my DH not to work. Costing a cleaner and childcare etc. is not the same as sharing sole financial responsibility. There are multiple other reasons why a partner may request their significant other to work. Open your mind.

LOLZ

The the pressure of being the sole earner can be immense. It can help to share the financial load. He might want to cut back his hours?

If DH was incapacitated tomorrow, how would you survive financially? How's your own pension looking?

It's not unreasonable for both partners to work in some capacity when all DC are school age. And no, cleaners are not essential.

What did you do before children ?

Honestly it will give you more independence , better pension that’s yours .

what about a compromise part time work ?

Why would you need a cleaner?! You think every household with 2 working parents has one?

If you were a man posting this there’d be cries of “cocklodger”!

How about a compromise and working part time, say 3 days a week? That still gives you plenty of time to volunteer and do life admin/clean the house, as well as some time to yourself, whilst bringing in money that will ease the burden on your DH. It's not full time or nothing.

I think it depends.

If you've still got kids at home, or if your caregivers role is daily and for a good chunk of the day then I think fair enough unless your dh is going to take on the proportional amount of that responsibility. But if its only ad hoc support now and then and your kids are at school, I don't really see any reason why you can't even work part time.

I work full time, am I lone parent to dc who are at home/in nursery and I don't have a cleaner so I'm not sure why you'd need this to be honest. Especially for part time work. The hours you're spending 'hobby working' through volunteering could maybe be channelled into a part time paid role in a charity for example.

When you say a job, full time? Part time? I think it’s perfectly reasonable for him to ask you to work pt with school age children. Especially as you say you volunteer (essentially going to work for nothing so swap the time for paid work). 3 kids get expensive and I don’t blame him for wanting to save. And if pt no need for a cleaner- work 3 days, have two for the house. I’m not sure wanting to ‘help out friends’ is a valid excuse for him supporting a family of 5

Yep. Another man on Mumsnet

No, but if both parties work full time then these tasks become shared duties. The amount of men I know who expect their partners to go back to work, but it doesn't occur to them that they will now have to pitch in with household tasks. So in that case a cleaner needs to be factored in.

This.
Plus, you know a lot of us work AND do the cleaning. Shocking I know

You are a fool if you think you will be supported for life by a man.

He's already complaining.

Be wise and get to work and if need retraining.

I have a question, will he take on 50% of the life admin and child care etc when kids are ill off of school. If so, then fair enough. If not, then no, I don't think he should ask this of you.

Of course a man will not take on 50% of household tasks. Get real.

Well, truth is he could leave you any time. Enough OPs on here are blindsided by an OW turning up.

School hours are not working hours, so yes you coukd work but he’d better do half the childcare, school pick ups and child dick days. Inset days and dentist visits etc

lots of men (and MN women) think it is quite acceptable to expect women to work full time AND do al the household and kid stuff

so make sure you negotiate exactly with your DH what his expectations are and if they are reakstjc and doable for both of you

if he expects you to find a magic job in school hours only he’s dreaming

Good post

YABU to expect to never work again. You are actually making yourself vulnerable by not working. There’s always people on here who haven’t worked & are completely broke if they leave their partner.

I agree with others in that you don’t need a cleaner - I would however expect your DH to help more.

I think being SAHM is quite a luxury nowadays. What was your job before children?

Op, cost it all out.

Try working for two days per week and asking your DH to take responsibility for one of the pickups, dinner and some after school club drop offs and cleaning.

You will gain insight as to whether you enjoy working, the family unit can cope with you working and whether you are financially worse off etc.