DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

not going to debate the merits of homeschooling.

But women can't argue that it's a biological imperative that they must stay with their children if they are choosing to send them to school for 6 or 7 hours (at least) a day.

It's not that many years since it was almost a given that affluent families would have sent their children to boarding school.

Humans are an intelligent species and can make decisions to do things that override "biological" programming. Otherwise women would have far more chlidren than they current do as the urge to keep having children would outweigh practical considerations.

I had a SAHM growing up too and knew that if I had children, I'd be doing things very differently. I didn't find it to be beneficial at all and it was miserable listening to them stress and argue over money.

Financially providing for my children is incredibly important to me and if that makes me biologically broken then so be it. Relying on someone else financially isn't for me.

I think obviously the biology is relevant when the baby is under 1. I had no idea how I’d feel, wasn’t particularly maternal and I found it very hard going back to work and I did want to be with my baby. I definitely didn’t want a situation where I didn’t see my young baby all week. DH was fine with that situation (even though he was the one wanting kids!).

School age kids, no I did not find it hard at all - but I found the juggle at this age hard.

"But women can't argue that it's a biological imperative that they must stay with their children if they are choosing to send them to school for 6 or 7 hours (at least) a day."

No, come on. A 4/5 year-old child going to school for 6/7 hours is not remotely comparable to a baby or toddler in childcare for hours comparable to adult full-time working days, like 8-5 or longer. It just isn't.

By the time they are about 2.5-3, some time in a childcare setting is useful because they are beginning to meaningfully socialise by then, rather than just playing alongside others. Plus they have a developing sense of time and place. But even then, toddlers don't need to be in childcare all day, 5 days per week, 8-6 as many are. This may well be in working parents interests and it's necessity for families who need two incomes. But let's not pretend this is in the baby's interests, unless home is so deprived or unstable that they need to be in childcare for safety.

Very few families would actively choose to put babies or toddlers in full-time childcare if they had other options or could structure their working lives differently.

I think I was clear I was referring about school age children and not baby/toddlers. Which is the OP's situation.

Children are at home half the year even if they go to school. This is always overlooked. I can understand why op having agreed to be at home with the children with her dh is feeling annoyed because dh has now moved the goalposts. It’s not like she can send them back!

I hope you come up with a solution op. Maybe use the time to retrain and line up a profession that truly interests you.

I stayed at home and looked after all of my children until my last child left school and went to university. More than 30 years.
it’s risky for the stay at home parent because they have nothing to fall back on if the working parent decides to divorce.
my husband says he’s so glad I supported him so he could be as successful as he was. My children all say they’re privileged to have had such a great childhood with no stress.
children are more stressed than ever now. Couples are divorcing at a very high rate. Youth suicide is up. No one is at home.
everyone needs someone there for them all the time. People that leave their children and go to work with no one prioritising the children are selfish. Don’t have children if you don’t want to look after them.
if you have enough money it’s greedy to earn more at the expense of your children’s welfare.
I am so thankful every single day that I could make the most of my time with my beautiful children and so are they.

You say it's risky to be a SAHM and also point out that couples are divorcing at a high rate but still think it's selfish for the woman (because it is usually the woman) to not want to put herself into such a financially vulnerable position?

It isn't greedy or selfish for a woman to want financial independence and to have that security if the marriage was to fall apart.

Did you ask DH why he wanted children since he didn't want to look after them?

having being the recipient of someone else salary and not working you’re really not in a position to berate other women for working
I am thankful to have a responsible job I trained v hard for. I work FT and no I absolutely will not give up career

We are a two wage household and that is exactly what I want
Two wages pay childcare, bring a level of security and career satisfaction

I note your asine comment if you have enough money it’s greedy to earn more at the expense of your children’s welfare

Greedy? Presumably your household had plenty for all the uplifting happy childhood.

Expense of child welfare? What’s that actually mean, presumably it’s a dig at working mums and childcare

I know a lot about child welfare, and welfare is not automatically compromised by 2 working parents. There is no cause and effect causation. Just your catastrophisation and prejudice . Children need love,regardless of and secure attachment. That can be provided by 2 working parents.

My kids are in nursery FT from 0730am. That was always the plan and that’s what we do

Being mum isn’t a giving things up competition.

i won’t give up career I won’t be financially dependent upon a man

As absent greedy salaried worker I obviously don’t see my children enough for them to tell me if they’re happy
Never mind nursery can tell me if they are ok
Must dash! Have to go spend my money like the greedy avaricious husk I am

Come along children! Do stop crying! Off to Hermes we go

Out of interest, do you not see any validity at all in what that poster said?

Partly there is a generational difference here. In the 90s I knew a lot of women who gave up good jobs to stay at home. It was a different time.

I don't.

Calling women greedy and selfish for wanting a career? Financial independence? Absolutely not.

Sounds like you read the post quite selectively.

I read it all. Including the part in which it is pointed out SAHM's are in a risky position, how more marriages are ending yet a woman is greedy and selfish for wanting the financial independence that comes with a career.

I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support

Imagine with a straight face using the above line as an excuse for not working! 😂

No wonder the husband is pissed off!

Don’t have children if you don’t want to look after them.

What doesn't that apply to your husband? Why did he have children if he didn't want to look after them?

My kids say that they’ve had a great childhood too? I’ve always worked otoh.

I work in adult social work, assessing elderly people for care. 90% of my colleagues are women with many of us having children under the age if 5 and those that have older kids at work have also worked from when our kids are young.

Similarly my colleagues in children social work are mostly women with many of them also working mums.

So before people start out with the pitchforks for working mums, remember many of us work and care for our own children and give them loving secure childhoods WHILE ALSO ensuring your elderly relatives get care or making sure vulnerable children are kept safe.

If we were all to stay at home, then I'd guarantee there would be a recruitment crisis not to mention a social one too.

Agree.

add that to my DD’s watching me growing up and understanding that women can be worth more than a man’s family support system. They know they have that choice, but equally a relationship and kids isn’t a woman’s only aim in life.

they have a better relationship with dh as me working meant he did his share of the school runs and parenting.

and like I said previously I had a sahm. As a child I would have preferred a balance of seeing both parents more rather than one at home all the time.

NO
lets take a look at the content
Don’t have children if you don’t want to look after them
Youth suicide is up yes but not as result of working mums.A working mum isn’t a causal factor Its multi factorial.
Two wages is greedy But being the financially inactive recipient of someone else wage is acceptable
People that leave their children and go to work with no one prioritising the children are selfish does that include the retail workers ,the hospitality staff,the public sector workers,the teachers ,the researchers , museum staff etc. All of who are women who maintain working . These women are positively contributing and their work enhances everyone life
I work because I want to, I’m good at it ,I have a vocational sense of duty and public service. Manifest in the career I chose
I worked 14-16 hr days in the pandemic undertaking additional duties and carrying the mental load of supporting a team and colleagues through the pandemic. I cried every night I came home, I saw,thought and experienced things I can only talk about to people who also worked. Multiple working women stepped forward and stepped up at a critical time. Women like @CantHoldMeDown supported patients and supported other working women at critical times- Thanks ☺️

• *@Surferosa and @SouthLondonMum22 and @CantHoldMeDown @InWalksBarberalla all make great points and give examples of working women contributing . I’ll never feel bad about working. Ever

Greedy? Nope. Two wages hit the mark. Plus I need to bribe my ignored children, splash the cash to buy their affection —welfare—

If all women stayed at home the country would also be completely screwed financially. We have enough issues with budget deficits as it is.

The ‘greed’ thing is odd and an argument I’ve never seen before. It could equally be seen as selfish and greedy to not contribute to income tax if you are able to and only take/ expect others to pay. As the country needs adults to do that. But we have just 2 sides of a coin here.

Of course they will trill that they claim no benefits, well apart from the 8k a year the government pays for each of their kids to go to school that is.

I think despite the mumsnet hatred for wfh it means that both parents are often around a lot more in families despite working.