DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

I think it’s a fair enough request.

But, and there always is. Is he fully, and really prepared to do 50% of all the drop offs, life admin, night wakings, take time off work when they are ill, sports days, fancy dress, housework, cooking, food shopping, childrearing alongside paying for childcare etc.

I think it's lovely that you've been able to be part of your community, volunteering, helping out etc. I think it's just as good for children to see their parents do that and I think it's horridly sexist to refer to this dismissively as "JUST being a wife and mum".

More practically: is it worth engaging with your DH on the bigger question of "how can we accelerate the family savings"?

You might be right that min wage work is not going to be a huge addition. (To those saying "but the extra childcare/after-school care costs would come out of JOINT savings so it's not just your wage" - this is irrelevant as those costs don't exist in the current scenario.)

I'm not sure what you do, but if the goal is "make the savings number go up", is there anything you could cut from your household budget? Could you retrain in something that would get you more £ per hour, so you could work fewer hours and do it around childcare? Is there any possibility of using your volunteering connections to help DH in his career? (One might scoff but depending on what the volunteering is, you never know!)

You should be an equal partner in the financial decision-making for the marriage so you should engage on the substantive question, but that doesn't necessarily mean accepting the first suggestion DH gives to solve it.

Absolutely.

Also OP, what's your pension situation like? How are you planning to fund retirement?

There’s definitely going to be a job out there for you that you can do around school hours and you don’t need a cleaner, I don’t think your husband is unreasonable to want a second income if your children aren’t babies anymore. It’s all about work / life balance and there are lots of mums who find they manage that just fine with a part time job (including myself)

No, it's not because it's making a lot of assumptions. We don't know what they agreed when they had the first child or talked about being a stay at home parent. Whether they discuss the return to work or it was assumed the IP would give up working and always be a stay at home parent. Maybe it's him going back on what they discussed.

I think being SAHM is quite a luxury nowadays.

Yep. What with the COL and all. He could leave you any time OP. And where would that leave you?

It's like Womens Lib never happened.... 🙄

Homemaking and parenting is a job. However, if you’ve time to pop off and volunteer, and run errands for family and other people, you’ve time to contribute financially to your own home.

@Missedp So the reason your DH has given you is that he "wants to 'accelerate' our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to [you?] of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage."
Well, your DH's motivation seems entirely reasonable to me as you have three DC to eventually, maybe, get through uni' and your personal pension provision will be severely depleted if you don't return to work. If you genuinely believe you wouldn't be any better off financially in the short/medium term (and so no more able to save than your are now) you need to do the calculations and show him this, BUT look to the future and think about how your life in old age would look if you remain a SAHM.

I am sorry you have asked this question, because unfortunately a very vocal, bitter group will just tell you over and over again that you are worthless because you don't do paid work.

What’s also horridly sexist to assume DH doesn’t want to let go of a lot of tedious and stressful financial responsibility in favour of parenting his child and doing some of those things you describe.

Also, look up compound interest on pensions. It is not a today balance sheet question.

What did you do before? Did you have a career? Is part-time an option?
I'm another one asking why you would need to hire a cleaner if you returned to work?

Apart from anything else, you're vulnerable by relying on a single salary (and a single pension).

Why the fuck would he do school runs when the other parent quite literally is not working to do school runs?

Homemaking and parenting is a job.

Yep. So is working when doing that all.

Bottom line is you need to keep a roof over your head, food in the fridge, bills to pay, for you and your kids.

Can't rely on a man for that, they all run away sooner or later anyway now in modern life.

How do some of you think 2working parents manage? You get by. It’s partnership
The froth and indignant at her having to get a job,it’s v funny
All the yea but no but obfuscation to avoid getting a job

I assume this is a joke? Lots of people work full time and have children…

as other people have said if you are both working you should then split childcare duties and house duties. But that being said if you are working shorter hours and bringing in less money you should do more admin/ housework.

But @Zone2NorthLondon

He could drop down dead tomorrow, and where would that leave her?

Agree with this. Her husband definitely isn't just funding her lifestyle. A marriage is a partnership and he and his children benefit from OP not working. Having said that it needs to be a joint decision. Could you get something part time during school hours and use that money to accelerate your savings?

You really need to ask? Widowed and planning a funeral with urgent need to get a job seeing the wage slave just croaked

It's not unreasonable for both partners in a marriage to contribute at least something to the family finances!
You have a lovely life, OP, whilst your husband carries the entire burden of supporting the family. The poor guy could do with at least some help with that pressure.

Also, don't you want to be a good role model to your children, especially any daughters?

Bad sign OP. Any signs he could be having an affair?

I know troll hunting is banned but I have a feeling OP is having us on…

He wants some support in the finances and he’s immediately having an affair ?! 🤣🤣

Why will you need a cleaner, or have issues with drop offs and pickups and arranging care?

Once you go back to work you are no longer a SAHM and your time is as precious as your DH’s irrespective of the £ he brings home. Time has no hourly rate, it’s equal.

When you step up to financially contribute, your DH will have to STEP UP and do his 50% of laundry, shopping, taxi driving, cooking, kids clubs, sick days and everything else.

That there is the deal. Let’s sit down dear and make a list and divy it up.

If your DH wants financial equality, you want parenting and chores equality.

DO NOT get a job and carry on doing all the kids and household chores.

If he wants you back in work, I sincerely hope he pulls his weight with your DC and all the rest. Be very unfair if you work, do all childcare and all life administration.