DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

How do you think other 2 working parents families manage? We cover it
No handwringing, no catastrophising. No hyperbole

How much responsibility is lovely husband willing to take on When you work ?
Cooking cleaning washing shopping appointments . Pick ups and drop offs . Is he willing to take days off work and be called on and leave work if kids are sick ! If yes then a job it is .
He needs to know the load that needs picked up and the cost of child care. He can’t ask you to “get a job “ and do everything else too .

Everybody in that family is reliant on him for the clothes they wear, the roof over their head, the food they eat, that is first and foremost.

No I am sorry. You need ro get back to work. Of course he needs to step up ans so.more childcare and.more round the house but at the moment he will be doing more work and taking more pressure. It is not an even relationship.

How do you know they ‘benefit’ from her not working - what exactly does that mean? What is the benefit this provides that is impossible from 2 working parents?

Nowhere has OP said DH does zero parenting. If he’s unwilling when she works that different.

It is a partnership and DH is saying he’s not happy with the division of labour.

I agree with this.

could you work part time when the children are at school?

You say you have “money left over each month”

have you factored in contributions to your pension, and having enough savings so should your husband’s income disappear (divorce/death/illness/redundancy etc) you have enough to keep you afloat?

have you thought about what will happen if you no longer have your husbands income? If he divorces you can you provide for yourself?

it’s ok you being happy at home but in the real world you’re leaving yourself very vulnerable.

perhaps your dh also would like to spend more time at home. If you got a job he could reduce his hours, there’s less pressure and he would be happier?

at the minute you sound selfish, and a bit naive thinking you can just live off someone else for the rest of your life.

It doesn't really matter though. He's entitled to change his mind at any time that he doesn't want to financially support another adult.

Seems more than reasonable to me. I'd hate to be the sole breadwinner so definitely wouldn't want to put that stress onto someone else. And would feel guilty that someone else was working hard to financially support me. You say you'd only be earning slightly more than minimum wage - but that can change as you gain experience/undertake training. It might not immediately make a big difference financially to you as a family, but over time it will. And if your husband were to ever lose his job for any reason you'd be in a much stronger position.

Me and my friends with children all work, none of us have a cleaner. Most of us use after school care a few days a week. Sure life is busy, but I can just imagine my partner's face if I said I was going to stop working to do the school runs and housework (at the moment we share these equally).

I think her factoring in a cleaner is quite telling, it's almost like she knows that he is going to do fuck all around the house once she gets a job? In which case she isn't wrong for making it a requirement.

People saying he will 'just have to step up and do his 50%' .. do you honestly think he will magically want to do that? Or do you think OP may end up working AND still doing the lions share of the childcare and household chores, while resenting her husband for his lack of contribution.

I don't think he's wrong for wanting her to work, and I do think she is being unreasonable for not exploring all options, but IMO if you want your DW to be an equal participant in earning, then you need to be prepared to be an equal participant everywhere else.

This was the cause of divorce for one of our close friends. He didn’t care if it was only minimum wage that she was bringing in. It was the fact that she was refusing to contribute, he actually left her for a waitress.
Who now still works at minimum wage but she lives in the £7 million house.

Could you find some freelance work so you could work from home part time, and still be around when the kids are ill?
Being at home also allows you to do some household tasks, cleaning etc.

So many, happy, liberated, self-respecting, equal, positive, content women posting tonight. So happy infact, all they want to do on a friday night is to try to belittle a fellow mother, tell her she has got no self-respect, that he's supporting her life style, her messing about volunteering, caring for family. Yeah it's like womens lib never happened, that still womens labour in the home/community isn't respected.

It can be frightening getting back into the workforce.

You can do it, OP!

Ahh yes the liberation of being financially dependant upon a man whilst having no means and doing the housework

OP saying they’d need a cleaner is representative of nothing - other than reinforcing she either can’t communicate with her DH or is naive/projecting in not realising a ton of people have 2 working parents with no cleaner.

OP would be earning a minimum wage job because she has been out of the workforce too long with no chance of earning more.

Come on MN. Let’s engage in actual debate than lazy stereotypes.

It is perfectly possible to have a relationship where everything is shared 50 50
We have and I wouldn’t have it any other way

How old are your kids? Will he increase his contribution to household chores so you don't need a cleaner?

He wants her working, so school-runs is what he will be doing too.

Everyone thinks it’s easy to get a job once kids hit secondary school. But experience of working full time is that you end up doing all the caring, cooking cleaning and holding down full time hours. I would think resentment can build up unless you both have a partnership. Don’t underestimate the impact of trying to do everything. Assume you got national insurance credits until youngest is 13 via child benefit.

He is no longer happy with the current set up and is asking for a change. Take him seriously. If you don't, it will breed resentment and that is path to the end of your marriage. You both need to come at this from a place of trying to understand the other's perspective and not dig your heels in thinking you are right. It must be galling for him to be working while you swan around volunteering and helping family and friends with their childcare, while he wants to plan and save for the future. Equally, he may not have thought beyond that.

Sit down together and draw up a plan for the tasks he will need to pick up in order to allow you to return to work. Hours out of the house in employment are equal regardless of the income either person generates. He can't say 'I earn more' in order to do less. This is all a negotiation. It isn't saying a decision has been made. It is a conversation where you both need to be heard by the other. If you both better understand the other's position and as important, why they feel that way, you will be able to find a route forward together.

Got 4 DC myself and I chose to study part time whilst youngest two are in primary school. Eldest has just finished school at 18, 14yo has three years left.

Working isn't practical when you have that many children especially with a limited support network. Illness is common and I often have spells in A&E every so often with at least one of them!

Of course , It would absolutely be better to have no money and no means to support yourself than it would be to have no one to clean your toilet …

Why can't dh seek a promotion? Find higher paying work? It sounds to me like OP is slaying at her job. Yes, SAHM is a job.

Make it very clear that if you return to work, he will need to do 50% of all childcare, cleaning and admin. If the children are off sick he will have to also equally have to take time off work to cover it. Same with school holidays and school drop offs.
Don’t lift a finger for him.