DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

Having been the only breadwinner it’s stressful even if you earn well and maybe he’s not enjoying that.
I agree there are benefits to a SAHM but two people earning and paying into a pension and savings is advantageous too.

😂😂😂 yeah I’d be confused why you are happy to live off your dh in this day and age too. Mum of 3, worked part time, did school runs… when I went full time we did get a cleaner.

When I was a SAHM with 4 kids at primary school. Working would not be feasible for us. If one was ill then the other 3 would be ill but not at the same time so could run into 2 - 3 weeks of sickness what job would allow you to have that much time off looking after your children. NO job.

Have you had a meaningful conversation about how it could work e.g. what hours you'd need to do to make it worthwhile, what after school provisions there are and how chores would be divided up?

Please stop thinking about costs in terms of how family costs mean you'll barely be earning above minimum wage - the salary will be the salary, you aren't solely going to be paying a cleaner or for childcare, these are joint costs - it doesn't matter if they total your take home pay - you aren't solely paying them.

If he's not willing to solely fund you and the kids lives then that's fair enough. If a woman was expected to do that we'd all be horrified and say the husband was a wasteman.

If you've no disabilities that prevent you from working then it's unreasonable to refuse to do so. Do you have qualifications? You must have worked before?

You can't force him to be the sole earner if he's no longer comfortable with it. If your kids are at primary school then you can at least work part time, then when they're older go full time?

I can see you find it unfair if he's suddenly seemingly changed his views, but it's not really right to simply refuse to work.

Yabu.

He is not happy being the only wage earner so now you need to have a conversation about how things can change.

You need to discuss what realistic jobs you could have and hours you could work. And then work out how school runs and chores will be split,or if you can out source anything.

You can't just decide you are happy with how things are if he is not.

And volunteering and helping family and friends, unfortunately does not come before financially contributing to your immediate family finances.

Why would you need a cleaner? Theres nothing stopping you getting part time work around your husband's hours and he can pick up the slack. That's how me and my husband have done it for years.

Ask him what the division of chores, life admin and whatnot looks like. Get a plan going.

What you can't say is that you're happy the way things are. It's not fair to he the sole breadwinner while the SAHP with kids at school does what they want.

But he also doesn't get to have his life not change at all if you get a job. So have the conversation.

This!!

I would be furious if I was your husband.

Well I'd be looking at something p/t. A job in a school perhaps if you wanted to fit in around the children. Wouldn't you like to earn some money of your own? I think you have to try, if it's important to your DH & he is willing to do school runs/school stuff to fit around your job too.

Me too to be honest. There's no way I'd fund someone to not work unless they were really ill or had disabilities that made working impossible (or the kids did)

This

What’s the plan if you divorce or he becomes incapacitated?

also I don’t think this thread is real, its very generic.

If you have time to volunteer and support friends and family it's not unsurprising that he'd like you to contribute to the family finances.

Most posters are saying she shouldn't expect him to find her not to work BUT we don't know what discussions were had between them previously. They may have only wanted three children on the agreement that she'd stay at home. It may have suited him saving on all that childcare when they're little. He may be shifting the goalposts.

Now, he's entitled to change his mind and want to reopen negotiations but demanding she gets a job isn't how it works.

Yes you should work. No reason not to other than you’re used to not working whilst he has sole financial burden of being wage earner. It’s a partnership, and you’re taking and don’t want your cushy job free life to change

We only have her word that he's 'demanding' it though. People interpret things differently particularly if they're upset/annoyed.

Does he understand if he wants you to work he will have to take time off work to look after your children if they are ill as you can't do it all the time.
Does he realise that in the 6 weeks holiday you might have to take separate holidays so you can each share the care when they are off or can he afford to send all 3 to summer clubs is it worth the cost.

My husband's health failed him and having me working part-time when he was in hospital/ recuperating helped us financially. We also had grandparent support. He is now only able to work part-time due to a life limiting condition, and I've increased to four days. Two incomes does make a difference when your luck runs out.

LOL this is clearly a joke

You are being selfish , I’m a mum to 3 work full time and sock horror 😒 I have no cleaner and also cook from scratch have a dog , cats chickens …
if you have time to volunteer then remove yourself from that role and find a real job on those hours ?

They’re comfortable off. They plan and pay for childcare
event of illness they both make provision
Like every other working couple has to. It’s not insurmountable

I wouldn’t want the pressure of being sole earner so I wouldn’t expect my dh to want it either. I imagine your dh has cottoned on to the relatively easy time you’re having with kids at school and plenty of time to do as you please while he finances it. I’m not surprised you’re happy with the status quo. He isn’t.

it’s also nonsense that it’s financially hardly worth it for you to work. Your children only need wraparound school and holiday care. You (if you worked) and your husband have an entitlement of at least . 28 days holiday a year - that’s the minimum. That’s 56 days between you! Now, you’d no doubt not want to take all your annual leave separately but you could certainly take some of it separately and cover a good deal of the school holidays between you.

time to start behaving like a partnership, not expecting another adult to finance your desire to not work

As long as he is prepared to do his FAIR share of domestic duties that you now do. I don’t mean what most men do (repeatedly shown by research over years to be much less than their fair share despite mother working too), I mean 50:50 or whatever is fair depending on whether you’d be full or part time.

he needs to do half of the thinking too. Planning meals, food shopping. Clothes shopping for kids, new shoes, dentist appointments, keeping on top of school admin, booking wrap around care, birthday parties, present buying, Christmas labour, etc, etc.

he needs to do 50% of cleaning or I’d argue more if he doesn’t want to fund a cleaner.

he has to have 50% sick days, school drop offs.

as long as he’s happy with that and actually does it then I think you might like working, but only do it if he takes on his fair share.

id bet money he wants to prove a point you working, but doesn’t want any other part of his life to change. Have a chat and see