To wish people wouldn't judge/grill people who don't drive

[Ceriane]

I don't drive. I avoid telling people unless I have to as I feel embarrassed and I have had people judge me, give me the wry smile "still not driving I see" and fire 20 questions at me about why, and I never know what to say to them as it takes too long to explain and I don't have a clear reason.

At 17 I couldn't wait to start driving and I had several lessons, but had to give up because of a family crisis, my dad was made redundant and I was only working part time as I was at college, so not earning much and the family needed my income, so I just couldn't afford it anymore. I moved away to go to University at 19 and again, it's expensive, it was a new area, and it was in a city, so people just got public transport everywhere. I always told myself that when I graduate and have a full time job, I will go back to driving again.

At 22/23 I was working full time and at 24 I finally got around to booking lessons again, and began driving, however I then had a debilitating physical illness that caused me a lot of problems that meant it really wasn't the right time to continue learning to drive, so I stopped for a few years while I dealt with health issues.

In my early 30's I went back to it and was doing really well, and thought, this is it I am finally going to be able to drive. My health could still be up and down, and then my instructor had to take a break from his job for a while, and I just never got around to picking the phone up and re-booking the lessons (when you leave it for a while, it just becomes something on the to do list that you don't get around to).

I then got a job in the city, and living and working in the city, people just get public transport so it seemed pointless to learn to drive. In my late thirties we went into lockdown, and after that I was hearing a lot about how they were trying to cut down the amount of cars on the roads, due to the environment etc, and at work, they seemed to be promoting this message really strongly so I didn't bother.

I turned 40 and I was dealing with debilitating anxiety and panic attacks so again, really not in the right head space to learn to drive.

At 41 I still have health issues that are complicated and difficult to explain to people, and I just think, why now? I've gone my whole life not driving? Every time I tell myself I should learn to drive I think health wise I never know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next and that would affect driving, and it feels wrong as it's just like a "why now?" kind of feeling. I work from home, I take public transport when needed, I never ask for lifts (there is maybe the odd occasion).

I have had a few comments as though people assume I'm lazy or must be thick or whatever and it really gets me down. One person used to ask me "well how do you get to work?" in a judge mental sounding way....I have always got to work using public transport, it's never been a problem, plus it's quicker to get the train than it is to sit in traffic (and I work from home now anyway). He made a comment that he assumed a family member must have to take me (how embarrassing) and then one job I had a few years ago, my sister did occasionally drop me off as my house was on the way and my job was right on the way to her job, if she hadn't have offered to do this (I don't expect it) I would have happily got the bus, and when he knew this he said "bloomin eck" as though he thought I couldn't get to work without having a lift, but that wasn't the case. He seems to think I must be having to have lifts all the while.

I do get embarrassed in recent years if I'm waiting for a bus, not the train so much, that seems more acceptable....I don't know. Should people be judged if they don't drive for whatever reason?

Why what? Why did she pass her test or why am I telling the OP this?

I am unreasobly irritated by people who say they 'don't' drive, Instead of they 'can't' drive

When I say I can’t drive, if anything I think it invites more curiosity, not less, than when I say I don’t drive.

However, the reaction I tend to get really is just curiosity, rather than judgement or criticism, so I don’t particularly mind.

Literally the only place I’ve ever been lectured or berated about not driving is Mumsnet. Never in real life and never on any other online platform, ever.

I think if you're able to live somewhere where you can actually rely on public transportation or things are walkable, that's great and it would be amazing not to need a car. Where I live, it would be like a "oh wow how do you not drive" because the public transport is useless and you really do need to be able to drive to get around. Just reading your description it sounds like you are maybe putting yourself down or feeling shame about not being able to, but if you are medically unable then you can't help that and you aren't depending on others to drop you off all the time so you're fine.

I can drive but choose not to, as it’s a bit shit really. Having to listen to everyone moaning about traffic, parking, other aggressive drivers and potholes I do feel privileged. I chose to live somewhere with things in easy reach, or I get deliveries. Just requires a bit of organisation and the odd taxi. Regarding getting lifts, I think people find it awkward and offer me lifts when I really don’t need it. They’re pretty persistent.
I live in an area where there’s decent public transport and shops within walking distance but people still prefer to drive round here. I think they’re the weird ones for driving 2 minutes to the shop when it’s only a short walk, but there you go.

I'm a similar age with similar reasons for not driving, I also never ask for lifts and just walk or get the bus, I always made sure I got jobs I could get to. There's no way I could afford lessons now anyway

I have passed my test and I have never owned a car.
i have driven once about 20 years ago.
i have just never needed a car!

From my perspective & experience it’s because the people I know who don’t drive have a certain expectation of those that do & can make arrangements inconvenient. I have a friend who lives in next town from me who although doesn’t directly ask for lifts will always expect me to travel to her as it’s easier’ & will always expect a lift if we are going to same place with other friends for example. I have a colleague that doesn’t drive who will regularly text me/other colleagues asking for lifts if the train is cancelled or it’s raining heavily but no offer to contribute to petrol as we are going there anyway. I’m not suggesting that is you but many non drivers are in my experience.

Driving and owning a car needs to be judged, the reality is that private car ownership isn’t great. For so many reasons car ownership is very bad, but people don’t get judged for owning their own car rather than using uber, taxi, bus, train, bikes

I find it very weird that people are so weird about driving. I can drive, but I didn't learn until 30 (now mid-40s) and I'd really rather not drive - I don't particularly enjoy it and I know I'm not the best driver. (I'm cautious, people don't like it.)

People saying it's a life skill and you're limited without driving have clearly never lived in a city. You can get everywhere you need to go by public transport or taxi in London, and many other big cities too. The train is better for long journeys, I hate motorway and night driving and would far rather take a bit longer to get somewhere and not have to drive.

The only person I ever asked for lifts was my dad, before I left home. Something I did notice though, was that people offered you lifts and then were astounded/almost offended when you didn't take them.

This. I couldnt give a flying toss if someone drives or not, its none of my business and it wouldnt even register in my brain as anything worthy of judgement or even of interest.

What is my business though is if they are constantly expecting or feeling entitled to lifts everywhere and I have had that multiple times with people at work, friends, or aquaintances. I dont care that you dont drive but dont expect me to be your unpaid taxi driver and we're all good.

I think the insistence that driving is essential is an older person's viewpoint, particularly those who haven't quite grasped the seriousness of the climate crisis and the damaging effects of pollution. Also it reflects the rise in selfish individualism of the last few decades. My 20 year old never intends to learn to drive because they can see it's not sustainable for everyone to be driving about in our own personal cars despite the effects on the planet.
I can drive fine but increasingly choosing not to, the same A plenty choose not to fly. If we want to avoid climate breakdown we're all going to have to make lifestyle changes.

I think it's fine not to drive,however when DC arrive it is difficult. I learned in my early 20s,but gave up as found gears difficult. In my 30s passed with a excellent instructor about my age ,female got on great. Like going out with a friend really. It's a good skill t have. We live south coast big prosperous seaside town .no users though,buses are not great. Big cities are usually fine

Of course it can be too late! Who's gonna pay for all my driving lessons? Who will buy me a car, pay for my petrol, ongoing upkeep etc? I don't have that money at this stage of my life. I can't even afford my mortgage. Definitely too late for me.
I hate not driving, but I've made my peace with it because there's nothing I can do to change it. Even if I got a license now I wouldn't be able to afford a car.
It IS too late to learn now.

I don't drive and we don't have a car we never ask for lifts and manage perfectly well, why is it assumed all non drivers ask for lifts?

That's not privilege. I'm not lucky to live somewhere with good public transport, I chose it deliberately. Privilege is more like having the money to buy and maintain a car. I didn't take driving lessons as a teenager as I couldn't afford them, then at no point in my 20s could I have afforded a car so there was no point shelling out for lessons.

In my 40s and yet to get into a situation where I wished I could drive. It's really not that important a life skill. I have noticed people sometimes make comments about "needing" to drive distances that I wouldn't think twice about walking.

I think the insistence that driving is essential is not an older person's viewpoint but the viewpoint of everyone who doesn't live in a city or who lives somewhere with poor public transport. DD is the only one of her school friendship group who doesn't drive.

Our MP is lobbying for an improved rail service so that we get half hourly trains instead of hourly, but it will cost over £300m to upgrade the line from single track to double track.

There isn't even a direct bus service to the next village or to the hospital from our village. To get to either involves getting a bus into town and one out again. Obviously, it's doable but very time consuming.

To get to work I would need to get two trains and a bus, taking nearly 2 hours. Driving takes about 40 minutes.

We live where we do because I can drive.

OP I know exactly how you feel. As many other posters have said, a lot of it is because if you have always driven then you can’t imagine life without it - then it becomes a ‘vital life skill’ in their minds. And you tend then to build a life that requires driving. If you never have driven then you will have naturally picked children’s schools, clubs, workplace, home etc on the basis of managing without.

I have formally diagnosed dyspraxia with poor co-ordination and sensory processing. Like you I tried at 17, again in my mid 20s with no success. I finally passed on an automatic last summer but I am a bad and nervous driver and find merging/ big roundabouts/ motorways etc totally impossible. I have made my peace with this, despite many many comments that I need to ‘get on with it’. I can take the children to school, church, swimming etc in the car and do the supermarket run, but if I need to cross the country then I will go on the train!

Like many other non drivers on this thread I am urban by preference, walk everywhere in all weathers and have perfected getting to anywhere via a combo of buses, trains and (if needed) a quick uber. It works for me because I have always done it (and my DC are used to it also). My DH is an excellent and keen driver.

I genuinely never ask for lifts.

Can I also say that what drives me INSANE is my FIL and others making jibes about ‘expensive taxis’ (maybe 2-3 £8 Ubers a week) when I am not paying for, insuring, paying tax on and buying petrol for a car. But it’s because cars come from the ‘essentials’ bit of his head and the taxis are in the ‘luxury’ bit. And I can’t change that.

I am glad I passed because I do actually quite like driving on quiet, rural roads. And if we holiday in very rural places (we both love hiking) I am happy to take my share of that. But there are no circumstances that will see me behind the wheel on the M25 or North Circular 😓

This. It really depends where you live surely. Where I live it would be insanely difficult to manage life without a car but in London it's normal not to own a car.

Owning a car and keeping it on the road has become massively expensive so even if you did learn, in your circumstances I can't see car ownership being worth it.

I think people's attitude's to driving are often shaped by when they passed their test.

Those who do it at 17 have always enjoyed the convenience. Those who are a bit later learn other ways round it. I was 26 and the public transport oracle for our city. Friends used to phone me to ask what bus to get.

Now I live in rural Scotland so driving is more essential. That said my husband didn't pass his test until he was 37 and he's lived here all his life. He worked locally and is a very fast walker who would think nothing of four miles on foot. He was learning at 17 but was a passenger in a serious accident and never went back afterwards.

Driving is very handy but it's also not for everyone. If anyone asks just make up a default answer you are happy with e.g 'oh it's just not worth the cost of owning a car in London'.

You don't have to justify why you don't drive. When people ask me I just say, no I don't drive 🤷‍♀️
I actually didn't grow up with a car so I don't know any different.
I actually think it's more selfish to drive everywhere, especially those who drive to local shops, school, dog walk etc when they're more than capable of walking. We need less cars on the roads not more.
A large percentage of people are just snobby about public transport.

But if you ever do decide to go back and learn, you might find it easier to go for automatic only licence. Electric cars are all this set up so it's moving that way (says a person who has never driven one!)

I've known a few older learners find this easier.

I don't drive and I don't care what other people think honestly. I grew up without a car and I get on fine with public transport. I don't ask for lifts and I'm happy to walk most places.

YANBU. I don't drive and I pride myself on being able to get any where I need to go without a car. Even if it means a train, taxi and then a walk. I like public transport for the most part, love walking and hate asking for favours from other people so I'm not the type to ever ask for lifts.

I do judge people who don't drive and then expect colleagues or friends who do drive to be their personal chauffeur.