To think just don’t offer them beige food?

[Ashlll]

Or am I spectacularly uneducated here? My sister has a 3 year old who apparently will only eat beige food and mostly crisps. She says it’s a sensory thing and we have to respect it when around him, for example when I took him and dd out last week I had to give him quavers rather than the snacks I had got for dd… which then made dd want quavers too! Same with water, he won’t drink it and it has to be juice.

I am not massively strict but did say to dsis just don’t buy these things then he won’t know he can ask for them… she says he just won’t eat or drink. I think this is ridiculous (I’ve not said this to her). AIBU?!?

Well lucky you having a child that eats a range of food! It can be really hard to relate if you haven’t experienced a child who is fussy or has Arfid. Some empathy would go a long way.

It's impossible to know whether he genuinely won't eat if it's not beige, whether he has ARFID is a bit fussy or if it's just easier for her to feed him what he likes. Sensory issues and being very restrictive around food would be red flags for ASD to me,

@Nightmanagerfan the reason I have posted is because I’m trying to understand. You’re right if your child eats a range of things it’s not easy to understand.

Would his mum be ok if you offer him 3 pieces of beige and other snacks too? Or very diluted juice?

I feel like if the beige is served alongside some whole foods, he might be tempted to give it a try

My dd would and has refused all food in this sort of circumstance. She’s autistic. Despite being hungry, losing weight etc. food aversion isn’t always logical.

I’d rather my child was fed, even if it was beige stuff. Why don’t you just believe your sister?

If he genuinely has sensory issues/ARFID, then yes, he will literally not eat anything if he can't access his 'safe foods'.

I don't know if he has genuine sensory issues/ARFID, I suspect you don't either.

It isn't just kids who have ARFID btw, and it isn't something you typically grow out of - I have ARFID, I was doing really well and then about 4 months ago something changed and my range of safe foods has dropped dramatically - my current diet is:

Protein works shake
Quorn dippers
Airfryer potatoes (baked potatoes, chopped up and 'sauted' in the air fryer) - specifically Butter Gold or Golden Belle potatoes!!)

I'm trying to add other things back in but it's slow going. Not having the right foods in the house means I don't eat!

i used to think the same @Ashlll but there really are children that will not eat for days if not given food they can tolerate - I know one personally and it’s very hard for their mum. Family should always get the benefit of the doubt too.

say no to your dd though - yes, it’s not going to make you popular but you’ll face this issue time and again. My dd has plenty of school friends with poor diets and you need to get used to explaining and enforcing your own rules.

Do you like it when people question how you parent?

Aren't Quavers yellow?
And how is juice beige?

I was the child that just starved themselves. I ended up hospitalised because I simply wouldn't eat what was offered. I'd never tried "beige" food because my DM was a good cook who cooked from scratch. I just wouldn't eat it.

My son would rather starve. We tried beige food in desperation when he started to regress and refuse all foods one by one . I'm guessing that is how most parents with a child like mine end up with a child on beige food. They offer it out of desperation

I have both kind of kids - I can assure you that some kids will just go hungry . Give him the beige and let your sister find more beige things he will eat in her own time ( weirdly my limited eater loves lentil Dahl )

The beige stage is very normal for toddlers it's basically evolutionary behaviour to avoid eating poisonous foods.

Tbh neither you nor your sister is being unreasonable. With toddlers it's best to offer choice with a safe food on offer along with fruit or something else but not to make a big deal if they don't eat it or avoid it.
Your sister shouldn't be insisting on only beige food and you shouldn't be insisting on only your snacks.

Offering choice is key and often children will try new things if sat with another child also eating it.

The above doesn't apply for AFRID etc but many toddlers are beige focused without any additional needs

I used to be ignorant as well because my 2 eldest were extremely adventurous and I thought it was because of my superior parenting ( 😇😂 ) my third was not in anyway similar and has a very restricted diet, I did nothing much different with him, children are people and people have differences.

If you think that most mothers of "fussy" eaters haven't tried to offer our children literally every food known to man then you are being completely unreasonable. I have a child who will eat absolutely everything. They are adventurous and will have sushi, curry, chilli, all the vegetables and fruits. And I have a child who will eat noodles, butter pasta, and cucumber and very occasionally some. They were both breast-fed and we practiced baby-lead weaning with both. They were both offered a wide range of fruits, vegetables and foods from a young age and they both ate everything. Then at around two and half it was like a switch went off and my child literally couldn't eat the things they had previously loved. They gag and vomit. They would starve if they didn't get beige food. We try our best. Do you go honestly think they are just not "offered" other food?

The thing is that most childen will eat and it won’t be junk if junk has never ever been offered

once it’s been offered it becomes a battle of wills where the child has the upper hand

very few childen had such issues when I was growing up - I only knew of one child with a very restricted diet ( one which would be healthy compared to a modern beige diet - cucumber and weetabix with milk featured heavily )

but the damage has been done - the parents stressed that the child was thirsty and offered squash as opposed to dilute milk for example and now the child always wants squash

if the child has refused the dilute milk it was probably a clue that they weren’t as thirsty as the parents thought not a reason to give squash

I think some children are fussy.

But - I don’t think it helps to then only offer them those foods.

Maybe your sister is trying non beige food but (I would say sensibly) decided that a family day out or time when he was with a different caregiver (you) wasn't the time to offer a snack that might mean with a) refusal that leads to a hungry, and so grumpy and difficult to manage child, or b) extreme refusal that leads to meltdown in public. Maybe she just wanted her DS to have a nice day with his aunt and work on eating a variety of food another time.

Your main problem with this seems to be that you had a bit of a tougher time parenting your DC as a result of meeting your nephew's needs.

I think you just need tact and understanding Op. Most parents who give their children "beige" food didn't actually start feeding their children that kind of thing but probably offered healthy home made food. Most of us ended up buying and serving that stuff put of pure desperation. My son at 4/5/6 was going without food or existing on bread sticks. Thank God for Barney the dinosaur making cucumber and carrots sticks seem magic.

Not quoting people as I don't want to single people out, and its a very common idea anyway but...

Please, do NOT take it upon yourself to offer, bribe, tempt kids into eating new/other foods. You may feel like this would work and be helpful, but it almost always ISN'T unless done in a very very careful manner.

So a parent simply making another food available on the table, with zero expectation that the child try it at all, no comment about it, no 'go on have a bite' etc etc - that may work, particularly if others are eating it without comment.

All the other things people do:

'GO on, just one bite then you can have xyz'
'How do you know you don't like it, you haven't tried it?'
'Go on just give it a go, you might like it'.

And of course if you DO try something, or attempt to, theres more pressure.

Even if by miracle of miracles, you try something and its actually ok, theres still more damage done by the 'SEE you DO like it... ' ie. 'weren't you being silly, I know your body/brain better than you do and I am even less likely to listen to you in future'.

If it isn't your kid - back the fuck off.

If it is your kid - be very careful!

When I try new foods, I prefer to do so in private, I need to push/poke it around, touch it with my fingers, perhaps lick it, do a tiny nibble... and I have to feel safe to spit it out if I don't like it. This is not something most people want to watch nor is it something people want to be watched doing.

Fortunately as an adult I have the freedom to do as I please and my partner says absolutely nothing about it at all and as a result I do generally feel better about trying things and in the past have expanded the range of foods I can eat very well... (I really don't know whats caused this latest massive regression but I think over analysing it probably won't help me!), but any sort of pressure would set me right back.

Unless there is a medical condition with the child, then no I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

I did 100 foods before one with my first, no sugary snacks (apart from a bite of a donut I was eating and some whippy ice cream) but just different types of fruit, veg, meals etc. I didn’t give juice, just water and honestly my son has continued with that pretty much ever since. He is 4 now, and he does like a fruit shoot or apple juice if we are out but will tend to ask for water at home and most of the time when out and about as well . He has very little sweet snacks as he just doesn’t want. He would rather have cucumber or fruit or something like that. He will eat fish fingers occasionally but has never eaten a chicken nugget despite offering it to him.

On the flip side my friends who gave chicken nuggets, beige food and chocolate etc from a very early age all have kids that will only really eat that type of food and they struggle to get fruit and veg and normal meals into them.

Im not judging anyone, this is just my experiences but I do think they don’t miss what they don’t know exists. It’s like kids who are bought up vegetarian, they don’t ask for meat because they’ve never been given it.

So it would be ok to try and force him to eat food he won't/can't, but you find it difficult to say to your child that her crisps/snacks are here and those ones are her cousins? Ok then.

And yet my friend who never served her children chips (I heard her once telling them when they were about 8 and 6 that they weren't allowed them because they make you fat) has two university aged boys who live off of McDonalds and Nandos. And my child who was offered them and chicken nuggets and chocolate occasionally as part of a balanced and healthy diet almost never goes to McDonalds.

I think it’s one of those where “reasonable” probably falls somewhere between the two of you.

A child can only favour beige foods/juice etc if that’s what they are given, if they have never had it then they don’t know to want it.

It does depend on the reasoning though which is info you don’t have. If it’s a typical toddler battle of wills then I’m with you, here’s your options, pick one.

If though it’s a child with something like ARFID then that approach doesn’t work.