Friend asked dh for 2 year loan

[ParsnipPuree]

Dh’s closest friend broke down to dh and told him he’s in trouble. Owes £25k to a friend who now needs it back. Dh offered to help on the basis it’s payed back in instalments every month for up to 2 years.

I am friends with his wife who is oblivious. Her dh won’t confide in her. She doesn’t know there’s a problem so will carry on as normal. I don’t think she’s a big spender but that’s not the point. They had a week away shortly before her dh and mine had this conversation.

Im angry because if there was a medical situation they couldn’t cover, that would be one thing but they’re obviously living beyond their means. Dh is taking the money out his company so it doesn’t affect me. If my friend knew she’d be mortified.

He will have already mortgaged as much as possible, borrowed as much as he can from the bank, used up all credit card options, exhausted all possibilities from family members borrowed from other friends and now he he owes money in all those ways, he has got to your husband.

Believe it or not he is no fool, which most of you will not believe.. and I don’t blame you. He just has an incredibly kind heart, he’s a giver, and he couldn’t stand seeing his bestie break down in tears. Both dh and I own equal shares in the company but it’s morally his as I don’t work. That’s why even though I want to, it’s not for me to say he can’t ‘lend’ it.

@ParsnipPuree
As well as being an equal shareholder, are you a company director? because if you are then you have legal responsibilities towards the company.

As others have said, if this person has a spare £1,000 per month to consistently pay your DH back, then he isn't overspending on his current income is he. So in that case he should be able to secure a formal loan, or, he's lying. The very fact that his wife doesn't work and that they've just been on holiday, mean he isn't treating his position seriously.

As other have already said, talk to your DH about the tax implications and the implications both for the company and for the 'best' friendship if his friend defaults.

We all know that you should treat money loaned as gifted away, you can never be sure of getting it back and I certainly wouldn't be a party to deceiving his wife, that's absolutely not on.

The other point id make OP, is that you only need a quick scroll on MN to see that the wife probably knows something is a miss.
There was a lady on here not too long back, devastated to learn the debts her DH had wracked up. The lying made it all the more difficult, as she felt she didn’t know the person she was living with. She felt all kinds of things, but I imagine if a friend was in on the lie it would’ve made it 10x harder.

If the friend is feeling suicidal over his debt, it’s even more important that his wife becomes aware of their financial situation. You need to tell her.

Also - has he never heard of a bank?

What’s stopping him from remortgaging to get 25k

He's probably already tried that ... and the banks ... and other friends he's less bothered about losing ... and god knows what else

As for the story about the previous lender apparently giving him time but then suddenly "needing the money back pronto", this "friend" probably missed payments to them too and they were trying to get their money back while there was still something left

Like others I'm wondering if, with being "in finance", he's got his fingers burned and is desperately trying to cover up, and if so best wave goodbye to the money when it disappears into a black hole

(DH) told me - and you’re all going to say this is classic manipulation - that friend said he’s thought about ending his life over it

You're right, it's classic manipulation, but also an indication that other "lenders" will no longer touch him and that he needs to ramp up the story
Either way, and as said, the wife needs telling ... not if he "misses a payment" or whatever, but NOW

Hang on.....your husband has got a business with a spare 25k floating around in it?

25k, doesn’t want to tell his wife, his friend suddenly needs all of it?

… yes, I’m sure it has nothing to do with gambling and/or drugs.

I’d also worry that friend may actually have embezzled funds and is trying to repay them discretely - which could implicate OP and her DH after the fact?

Neither a borrower nor a lender be...

Your husband is being emotionally blackmailed.
The BEST thing he could do as a friend is tell his mate to:

1. tell his wife
2. sort out their lives together. Giving him 25k (because it’s not a loan) is ridiculous. You are a family and that money is needed. His wife needs to know and you need to tell her. It wouldn’t give a shit about the fallout. Because you are being blackmailed with the suicide bid. This man needs to sort his life out and getting a payout from DH is delaying that. There is reason he is in so much debt. Whatever it is, he needs to sort it otherwise he’s going to get in deeper.

This all sounds very, very dodgy. Starting with wondering what kind of mess the friend has gotten himself into where he has to pay all of this money back at once. I've never heard of a business that wouldn't accept payments when trying to recoup money owed to them. That makes it sound like something illegal, first of all.

Second, when this guy is insisting on lying to both spouses, you and his wife, both of their supposedly nearest and dearest people, well, that makes him a serious liar, doesn't it? He's also making both of you complicit in his lies. Your husband isn't supposed to tell you and now you're keeping critical information from his wife, who is your friend. Very shabby treatment by someone who's going around begging. Also then, why should anyone believe the rest of his story?

Third, his lies prevent a fair and reasonable solution, like maybe his wife go to work and help out her own family, rather than continuing to enjoy a life of leisure and vacations, unaware, while you and your husband pick up the slack and cause damage in your relationship? His wife has a right to know what's going on with her own marital finances.

Fourth, combined with the sketchy dubiousness of this whole deal and having no problem lying and asking your husband to lie (which also smacks of misogyny, by the way), the suicide threat is extremely manipulative. Maybe your husband should call for a mental health check on him instead, if he's so suicidal.

None of the above describes someone who is taking any responsibility for his mistakes. Instead, he lies and uses emotional blackmail to try to get your husband to stupidly put himself at risk instead and cause problems in your marriage, while his remains blissful, due to his lying.

However, those are all HIS problems. YOU have a "husband problem." He is not looking out for you or putting you first as he should. Instead, he rolls over like a sap, preferring to play the hero to his stupid friend, based on a sob story. All to the detriment of his own family, in more than one way.

Since he rolls over so easily, I would put your foot down. After all, YOU have the right to, unlike his irresponsible friend. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that since you are a marital unit, business or not, it's NOT his right to do this without your consent, which you have not given.

Insist on marriage counseling before you'll even consider allowing him to drag your family into his sneaky, stupid friend's mess. He needs a strong reminder of his priorities and duties here, and "people pleasing" is not on the list.

Friend is in the bloody lending industry! Probably too much info there but it just beggars belief. When dh told me he wanted to do the loan, he said he doesn’t care if friend goes on holiday as long as the agreed amount per month is consistently paid. To which I told him that if it isn’t, I’ll 100% be telling my friend. I’ll want to see the regular statements too. To the posters saying I’ll lose my friend if it comes out- I don’t think so. She’ll go beserk with her dh but if it was the other way round, I wouldn’t blame her.

...and your DH needs to ask him for a copy of his credit report and get a formal loan agreement drawn up...

However my final thought is this - as it is coming out of a business it will have to be accounted for at year end and he will have to either pay the money to himself and it will be taxed (so he will be down £25k+tax) or will have to have be a formal loan and I assume he is not regulated to do this?

You need to ask him (your DH) what happens if it is not paid back by his business's year end.

Best thing when talking to DH is to ask him what he would do if he needed some money - the obvious answers are "get a credit card" "get a loan" and this guy clearly can't do that or he would. This means he has no spare money to pay them back as has too many already, so how is he going to pay DH back. (This is why you need credit check)

Next answer is "get a secured loan" or "re-mortgage" - again this guy clearly can't do this either, so he must be maxed out.

Next you sell what you can, cars, watches, stereos etc etc - is he driving a fancy car? If so he needs to get rid of this first.

Maybe you will get through to him by saying "It this guy is £25k short, his wife needs to work. You will feel incredibly resentful if he is having fancy holidays and she is not working and they can't pay you back"

@ParsnipPuree I typed my 15.21 reply before seeing your last update.

You should point out to DH that if his friend's mental health is so affected that he contemplates taking his own life, then he really should ensure, via his wife, that the friend gets appropriate support and help.

You should also point out the logic regarding placing a charge over his house 'he wouldn't see the children out on the street' would only be a concern if he didn't think the money was going to be paid back. I know it was you saying that here, but it's a valid point.

Thought there was emotional manipulation involved hence why your poor DH feels compelled to help him. You have a duty to tell his DW. Doing so runs the risk of what he may do as a result. But he’s in way too deep to be able to conceal it from her for much longer & you’re now complicit in his addiction/risky behaviour. How will she feel if she learns (too late) that his best friend enabled him to get in even more debt when they could have told her & given her an opportunity to get him help. Really awful he’s put you in this position. Debt is a big driver for suicidality esp in men who get in too deep & are more likely than women to conceal it & to act on impulse. His wife needs to be informed & given time to process it, speak to debt charities & get support to then be able to approach her DH & help him get the help he needs & appropriate action taken.

If he could afford to do that he would have not needed to have borrowed money off the first friend… your partner is being taken for an absolute mug. I would have already messaged my friend (as I wouldn’t lie to them) and asked if they were aware their husband was asking for a 25k loan. Because that will be her debt too!
Why are you letting this guy walk all over you. Just because you don’t work doesn’t matter!!

He's apparently suicidal about it but he's still going on 3 holidays a year?

Come on, OP. This is such a crock of shit I cannot believe anyone thinks this is legit. If he were truly suicidal about it, he wouldnt be splashing his cash on holidays they dont really need would he?

I'm sorry but £25k is NOT enough money to end your life over, especially if you have a family.
There's all sorts of things he could do.
He could sell something.
He could cash in an investment.
He could remortgage
He could talk to a debt charity about interest relief.
He works in finance, so he must know his options.

But he's not doing that is he - he's leaning on your DH.

The whole thing about a friend lending it to him, agreeing to installments and then suddenly wanting the ENTIRE sum back in one go and immediately is sooooo dodgy. He could make the friend an offer to repay £5k now and borrow that from DH but £25K? He's a liar.

Also. If you and DH have any debt whatsoever - money on credit cards or overdraft - you should use that £25 k to repay some of that.. or invest it for your kids. Or in your own private pension since you are not currently working. Otherwise you are just throwing it away. If he cannot repay the other friend, he cannot repay you - however the loan is structure.

Please give his wife the gift of telling her what's going on. She needs to know.

Also - this guy could just take out a loan. 🤦🏼‍♀️
And if he can’t then god knows what else he has borrowed from official means. Don’t enable this behaviour.

If he insists on doing this tell Mr Scrounger that he will ask a solicitor to draw up a loan agreement with certain terms and conditions. And he must pay for this contract. Make sure it says that if he defaults then the full amount becomes due.
He won't be so keen to go ahead I suspect.

If he's feeling suicidal, he needs professional intervention ASAP. Handing him money won't change the fact he's a spendthrift living above his means, wildly in debt and Lord knows who to and they might be coming after his ass.

At least get him to speak to someone with knowledge of how this is going to affect the two of you with regards to using business money for personal use and the legal and tax implications here. He has a fiduciary duty. You guys could end up royally fucked and if your name is on it, you share responsibility.

This is one of the dumbest, most irresponsible things I've ever heard.

Can you afford to lose 25 grand because it will happen. They'll promise the world when they're after the money,then that'll be it. How much other debt does he have? Don't do it.

Why can't your DH tell the friend that he has had to tell you, his wife, because you are a team and he refuses to keep secrets from you.
And that you went apeshit and said no, and he has to respect that decision.

It means you are playing the bad guy but I wouldn't care if it meant he didn't lend the money

Then he is a risk and this should be reported to the Financial Conduct Authority. I bet that's why he's borrowing from your DH instead of taking out a loan.