Friend asked dh for 2 year loan

[ParsnipPuree]

Dh’s closest friend broke down to dh and told him he’s in trouble. Owes £25k to a friend who now needs it back. Dh offered to help on the basis it’s payed back in instalments every month for up to 2 years.

I am friends with his wife who is oblivious. Her dh won’t confide in her. She doesn’t know there’s a problem so will carry on as normal. I don’t think she’s a big spender but that’s not the point. They had a week away shortly before her dh and mine had this conversation.

Im angry because if there was a medical situation they couldn’t cover, that would be one thing but they’re obviously living beyond their means. Dh is taking the money out his company so it doesn’t affect me. If my friend knew she’d be mortified.

He wont be suicidal it'll be a tactic to make the husband feel guilty.

BigHeadBertha

i know I have a husband problem. I’ve had the same problem in the past but always with his family. When one person brings in the money, there is not always equal say. And before I get told to earn my own money (I do voluntary work) any work I did would be a drop in the ocean and not have any impact. He is used to making unilateral decisions at work and I’m trying to make him see that it’s not how it’s meant to be in marriages!

Instead of lending £25k could your DH agree to go with his friend to a debt charity to get help with managing his finances? He could offer to pay for the friend to get some personal counselling or see a doctor about his depression.

None of this should be kept secret from the friends wife and I don’t understand why you haven’t already spoken to her.

Yes FlowerUser, that is probably why he can’t take out a loan.

This with big brass knobs on, ^ OP.

Something smells dodgy (and it's not the egg mayo sarnies from a previous thread !)

Honestly, I would lose my shit with my husband over this.

"Friend" has no intention of changing his lifestyle. It is easy to see from afar that this will be nothing more than a stopgap. They will be in deeper in a year.

That your husband doesn't care if they continue living beyond their means, as long as some (no doubt very low) monthly payment is made to him, is galling. And that he is OK with the wife being lied to is bad as well.

Wife needs to get a job and they need to downscale their lifestyle and live within their means. Cadging money off a friend is not a solution and as to the threats of self-harm, oh well. Anyone who uses that as a ploy to gouge money out of people is despicable.

In your shoes I'd be strongly tempted to call the wife and lay this all on the line for her. She can seek employment and cancel the upcoming holidays. They chose to have four kids and most people in that boat learn to be frugal. Why should they be an exception?

The £25k is probably due to a debt collector not to "a friend"....

(DH) is used to making unilateral decisions at work and I’m trying to make him see that it’s not how it’s meant to be in marriages!

Sorry, OP, but if your DH can't see the importance of you working together on this then I'd say you've got more problems than just the friend expecting loans

I think you will need to put your foot down, very firmly, or this won't end. It sounds like he gets a lift from playing knight in shining armor with people, while telling his own wife to sit down and shut up. That makes him actually nothing like the nice guy he wants everybody else to think he is. This is financial abuse, in my opinion.

In order to demand to be treated like an equal partner in your finances, you need the tools and back up, since whatever you've done before hasn't worked. I advise making an appointment for marriage counseling right away. If he won't go, start without him. I think you need some back up so you're able to get his attention and impress upon him that you aren't playing with him.

You deserve better than to not be and equal partner in the family finances. It doesn't matter who works outside the home and who works inside the home. That is an entirely different discussion! You can do this. Good luck to you. :)

This, absolutely .

I wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole, it's not like he's asking for 500 quid which would be bad enough.

Lend him that money and you'll never see it again, he'll pay for a month or two then start asking for more time and that'll be that.

Your DH must be mad to even consider it and especially when you are, rightly, so uncomfortable with the whole idea. If he needs more money then he should be truthful with his wife and she should get a job and they should see where they can economise, like the rest of us.

This mate gets the CFer-iest award of all time. This even beats the Airwrap thread.

he doesn’t value money as much as he does relationships.

So does he not value your realtionship?

Exactly. If the OP's husband agrees to this,this would be a deal breaker for me.

Oh dear, this just isn't going to end well. In all honesty, I'd tell DH you're not happy about the lying aspect and you will only the on board if the friend tells his wife.

This doesn't surprise me at all. My bil was an IFA. He and my sister sank under a mountain of debts, always moving house, remortgaging, robbing Peter to pay Paul. Ended up with a charge from a debt recovery firm on their house.

Combination of champagne tastes, cider wages (my sister) and access to off the grid lending (bil). CCJs in my sister's name, including one for £10k off our father who she didn't pay back.

The worse thing you can do for people like this is lend them more.

Yes they “chose to have for kids”.. but if you were to say that on a thread about for example the justification of benefits, you’d be flamed. “No one knows what’s gonna happen do they?” Is what you’d be told.

i have no doubt they’re living (unwittingly on her part) beyond their means. Dh doesn’t care what lifestyle they have as long as his couple of grand is there every month.

I feel like shaking him.

He’s known dh for 20 years and this is the first time he’s asked. Not that that’s of any help.

I am going to assume OP that you are a shareholder in your H's Business for Tax reasons?
No judgement a lot of people do it BUT if that is the case then you DO have a say and if you are a Director you have legal responsibilities as well

OP.
You will not see that 25k again.
If the friend can't make the payments to the first mug, then how is he going to make the payments to the second?
If your DP is happy to lend this then he is a bit soft and very naive, but that wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me. As long as he apologises for not taking your concerns on board when it all goes to shit.

What does your DH say if you point out that Friend is literally in this situation because he can't manage his money?

• he has failed to live within his means initially
• then he's borrowed money and failed to repay it
• he's demonstrating that his family life will not change because he's not telling his wife

...what on EARTH makes your DH think he has a hope of ever seeing that £25k again?

OP, the suicide threat is puttimg your husband and you in a shocking position and makes me thimk that he is in far deeper than either of you realise.

I suspect he may have been playing the market, futures, betting on stocks up and down.

You don't have to pay up front but when your position closes you have to be in funds to pay.

It's white collared gambling. Honestly OP, his desperation speaks to something very serious.

You need to be very firm here.
Your husband is putting his friend ahead of his family.

This is about more than 25k.
Your marriage reads as very imbalanced and disrespectful.

How long are you married?

Don't you think the wife should know her husband has told someone he's having suicidal thoughts?

Like damn.

I would bet it's to manipulate your husband but the first thing I would do if someone told me they were suicidal is call emergency services or if they had attempted, get them to the ER.

If he's suicidal, he needs professional intervention

If he's saying that to manipulate money out of your husband, he's a manipulative POS.

So, Friend A borrowed from friend B, can't pay it back, so now wants to borrow it from friend C (you).

What on earth makes anyone think Friend A will be in a position to pay it back this time?

It would be a 'no way in hell' from me. Friendship destroyer as well.

@ParsnipPuree do you and DH know this other friend that initially lent him the money to talk to? Would be interesting to hear his side of the story.

It could be for a gambling habit or anything - addicts will always hide their addiction until they can’t - and how much did he originally have to borrow from friend if he’s already paid some back and £25k was just what’s left?

I would say if I’m going to lend you money I’m paying it to the person who owes you the money directly.

id want legal drawn up contracts and to hold onto house deeds or something. Id include to cost of taking out such a sum from the business.

My dad lent his lifelong best friend £80k nearly 35 years ago. Luckily they got deeds to a property they owned as the friend fell out with my dad. Made Dads life hell and only paid back loan interest for over 30years so my dad couldn’t do much because of how their agreement was drawn up. He finally got repaid in full last year as his ex friend is wrapping up his affairs and didn’t want his children inheriting the issue.

And your DH is lending money to a man who is not cutting his cloth to suit his purse. He’s never going to be able to realistically have the standard of living his wife expects and pay off over £1k a month to you.

I’d not be putting up with emotional threats of suicide either. Thats bullshit. That’s “I’ll make a grand statement so you don’t question my financial affairs or make me come clean to my unsuspecting wife.”. How dare he put the onus on your DH.

id be asking my husband who he values more. His loving partner and wife. Or his friend whom needs some tough love.

What if this money puts him in a situation where he can’t afford to assist his own family in a severe emergency. Can he afford to lose this money.

If your husband had confided in a close friend that he felt suicidal over debts that you didn't know about, what would you want the friends to do?

Imagine your friend telling you at your husband's hospital bed or after his funeral that actually, they all knew he was suicidal and also that his estate may owe a substantial amount to various lenders (all the legitimate loans he can, e.g. remortgaging, credit cards etc plus loans to friends).

If your husband really thinks his friend is suicidal, this sticking plaster of a loan, and hiding it from his wife, is surely the worst approach.

You'd both be taking away her ability to have any control over the most critical thing in her life right now, which she isn't even aware of.

Whether or not your husband thinks he'd be helping, surely you can see that he's not? And if the friends wants to involve you both in his finances, it should be with full knowledge of his finances - contact details of the "friend" who the money is currently owed to, bank statements showing the payments made to this person and showing a change in his spending habits and the ability to pay going forward. Isn't this what you'd offer yourself if you asked a friend or family member for a loan? So why hasn't he?