Friend asked dh for 2 year loan

[ParsnipPuree]

Dh’s closest friend broke down to dh and told him he’s in trouble. Owes £25k to a friend who now needs it back. Dh offered to help on the basis it’s payed back in instalments every month for up to 2 years.

I am friends with his wife who is oblivious. Her dh won’t confide in her. She doesn’t know there’s a problem so will carry on as normal. I don’t think she’s a big spender but that’s not the point. They had a week away shortly before her dh and mine had this conversation.

Im angry because if there was a medical situation they couldn’t cover, that would be one thing but they’re obviously living beyond their means. Dh is taking the money out his company so it doesn’t affect me. If my friend knew she’d be mortified.

Also, the wife doesn't work? I'm sure she could get a job that pays the 25k he so desperately needs. But he'd rather put out your family (and at least the other one he owes to) than have his own family take some responsibility for THEIR spending?

If he cannot borrow from the bank, his situation is far, far worse than he is letting on. He has probably maxed out credit cards, and is clearly lying to the wife about everything.

I'm sorry but he is a fool.

That's factually correct based on what he is doing.

He's giving money to a man who works in finance who cannot raise the cash in any other way.

Just how many banks, credit unions, credit card companies, alternative lenders are there in the UK?

And if he works in finance, he will have any understanding of how they work and should be able to negotiate debt better than the average person!

And he can't get the money from any single one of them? Your husband is the only one who thinks he's a good bet?

Come on now- your husband is beyond foolish, naive and irresponsible to put this man ahead of his family.

There's no irony it - you mixing up irony woth stupidity.

Everything about this is wrong. Tell his wife.

If I could afford to I'd help but with an solid installment plan in place, written agreement signed and make it clear legal action will be taken if the money isn't repaid. I'd also want him to tell his wife before agreeing.

I've learnt the hard way not to lend money to family or friends unless in extreme situations, you'll never see it again in most cases. I'd be very cautious.

It doesn't sound viable, you have to put your foot down.

I'm really struggling with being signed off work but when childhood friend offered me money this year I said no. It didn't sound like a good idea.

I just twigged that this guy is ‘in finance ‘. Whatever that means.

however, in most finance jobs, going bankrupt means automatic disqualification/disbarment.

does he not have home equity he could borrow against? If not, why not?

Now he is targeting his friends because he knows that he’d struggle to repay any loans. Assuming any financial institution would be prepared to even consider lending him money.

@ParsnipPureegod forbid but what if your family’s circumstances (health, work, other) change radically & you find you desperately need that £25 for yourselves?? It’s just such a large amount & like you say was to be used to purchase a property. I borrowed a similar sum from a friend (who actually volunteered it to me) where my imminent property sale was guaranteed to be able to repay her within months. But out of protection to her I had it written into my will for her to be repaid should anything fatal prevent me from being able to. That may be an extreme measure but I felt awful about borrowing it & uncomfortable until it was repaid. It will really gall as you say if you see them splurging on another holiday but what’s to stop them if his DW doesn’t know? If he’s concealing it from her how or why is she going to change the lifestyle she’s accustomed to? It will really gall if you for unexpected reasons, find yourselves in need of that money yourselves. Have you thought she also may be extremely angry & disappointed with you if his debts spiral, they lose their house etc & she finds out you knew all along & loaned him more? & in effect fed his addiction & got into more debt? Delayed his opportunity to get help? If he’s in Finance then he will have exhausted all the obvious options so the amount he owes is likely to much larger than what he’s admitting to your DH. I know it’s your DH who’s making this decision & it sounds like it’s already a done deal. But has he considered all these eventualities?

I’ve told dh if he defaults on one payment and my friend tells me they’re going away, I’m telling her. It also pisses me off that he asked dh not to tell me, which is lying to his wife

And what makes you so sure your husband will let you know if he defaults, he might keep it from you so as to avoid an "I told you so " situation.

“I’ve told dh if he defaults on one payment and my friend tells me they’re going away, I’m telling her. It also pisses me off that he asked dh not to tell me, which is lying to his wife.”

OP, just how patronising is it of this man to need a loan of £25k and not to tell his wife? And to expect your DH not to tell you? And what kind of a friend are you, not to tell your friend, the wife? All this secrecy will come to no good. Clearly, he hasn’t told his DW what a financial pickle he’s got himself into, which makes me wonder why - if they are living beyond their means, she needs to know so she can do something about it. If it’s something more serious, then it’s only fair to her to know about that. This is not going to end well, no matter what - but if you were my friend and you knew about something like this and didn’t tell me, I’d be fuming. This whole thing raises so many questions - the DFriend is in finance, yet had to borrow from another “friend” who now, suddenly, needs his money back so he’s turned to your DH - if as a family you can afford to lose £25k, then on your own heads be it, because that’s what will happen. I’d be much more concerned about my own family’s well-being - I hate to say it, but this so-called “friend” saw your DH coming. There is something very wrong about this whole situation - I think your DH needs to walk away.

Does the friend have a car or something else of value that he could use as security. He could put the car in your husbands name. Alternatively could he put a charge on the house?

Absolutely not. If you are mug enough to go ahead,it would have to be on the the condition that his wife knows everything Inc the loan.

Lots of suggestions but the easiest one is to put your foot down and say no.

On second thoughts I’d call his wife and tell her. He’s made his finances my business. It’s more her business than your business but he has opted to make it your problem, so I’d call her. If their family is going to be in debt by 25k to my family I’d be telling her.

Yes may lose her as a friend blah blah blah, but when he defaults it’s going to be rather awkward anyway. Then when she says ‘I’m so sorry friend why didn’t you tell me?’ What do you say ‘oh I’m a liar too’.

You are all going to be lying by omission. I wouldn’t allow myself to be turned into a liar for some man who lies to his wife and thinks I’m dumb.

I would not be surprised if there was more than one loan out there with friends.

Please don't do it. You'll get the first couple, maybe even a few, payments back, then it'll dwindle to dribs and drabs, then nothing. No money back, and no friendship.

It’s a no from me

I lent some friends (a couple) £1k as they were on their backsides and were in desperate need. The wife phoned me in tears of gratitude and vowed to pay me back no matter what.... I didn't even get 1pence back and they just ignored me. Nothing written down so no leg to stand on. I lost some 'friends' at the cost of a grand. My advice is to steer well clear.

I know you know this - but please also let your DH read this thread.

I had a friend who was known for borrowing "a few quid" from friends, and an "over spender". He was a lovely person and very personable. I would have said a good friend.

Everyone was unaware he was being chased by debt collectors right, left, and centre.

I think many of our mutual friends lost varying sums of money, I think in total "friends" were down about £75k when he went bankrupt and left the area, never to be seen again! It turned out that this was the third or fourth time he had done this.

None of them knew the others had lent money and several had had the same story "I need to pay something urgently, can I borrow £x"

It turned out one of them was that he had debt collectors on his doorstep for £30k for a Range Rover he had stopped paying for and "needed" to pay to keep the car. Common sense didn't enter into it, which would have been buy and run a cheaper car!

I didn't lose anything (thank goodness) as at the time was starting a new business and pretty strapped for cash, so when he asked me I had to say no, although would have lent him the money had I had it.

Now, with the benefit of hindsight, never lend anyone anything.

25 thousand pounds! That's a huge amount of money! I'm renovating my entire home and I'm not spending that much on a valuable asset! What if you need that money for your family?

Where the hell is he going to find £1k a month to pay you back? That's a lot of money every month for 2 years.

And your DH has to pay tax on it so you'll be down more money

This is madness. You have to tell him no.

This ^^ 100%.

He's already borrowed €25,000 from another friend and hasn't paid it back. Now he's trying it with your DH. Who's to say he'll use that money to pay back the original loan?

No way would I be getting involved in this!

@ParsnipPuree Does your husband own the company?
How would the money be accounted for at the end of the tax year?
It's potentially very dodgy if your husband claimed it was used for something else & couldn't provide any receipts/ contracts etc.
It's a lot of money to pay back in one year (to keep it within the current tax year).
Still a lot to pay back in 2.

The friend needs to tell his wife & they need to get proper financial advice. Imagine if they had to remortgage or take a loan secured on the house. It could be very hard on their marriage, but just imagine if she found out about the debt AND the 25k borrowed from your husband.

I think he needs to be clear to his friend that if there is one sniff of them frittering it on holidays, you want the payment back in full within 10 days.

But your DH also needs to tell his friend that he MUST tell his wife about the precarious position he has put her in.
And i would just keep saying the words "tax implications" to DH until he understands (but also, disentangle financially and the 25k comes out of his part)

There is no point in putting a charge on his home as dh wouldn’t see friend’s kids on street.
Dh only told me on the condition I didn’t talk. He told me.. and you’re all going to say this is classic manipulation- that friend said he’s thought about ending his life over it.

Although dh is very adept at earning, he doesn’t value money as much as he does relationships. I don’t like being taken for a mug so we have very different views. I have never spent a penny more than I’ve had.

He has not given him the money yet. I’m going to talk to him this evening.

You cannot possibly know his debts arent a result of gambling or drugs etc. Addicts are the best, most convincing liars on the planet and can be very charming and cunning. He's hardly going to ask your DH for money and tell him it's due to an addiction is he?

Just because you havent seen evidence of it, doesnt mean it isnt happening- hence the term "functional addict".

Its easy to assume the wife is over spending but utlimately its HE who has the debt and she apparently doesnt know about it- doesnt that seem rather odd to you, considering you think its all her spending habits causing this issue in the first place?

You are being lied to - he's got himself in some sort of financial shit and doesnt want her to know. That doesnt sound like simple over spending on her part to me.......

You have to wonder why he doesn't want his wife to know