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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asked dh for 2 year loan

631 replies

ParsnipPuree · 25/04/2025 12:19

Dh’s closest friend broke down to dh and told him he’s in trouble. Owes £25k to a friend who now needs it back. Dh offered to help on the basis it’s payed back in instalments every month for up to 2 years.

I am friends with his wife who is oblivious. Her dh won’t confide in her. She doesn’t know there’s a problem so will carry on as normal. I don’t think she’s a big spender but that’s not the point. They had a week away shortly before her dh and mine had this conversation.

Im angry because if there was a medical situation they couldn’t cover, that would be one thing but they’re obviously living beyond their means. Dh is taking the money out his company so it doesn’t affect me. If my friend knew she’d be mortified.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 25/04/2025 12:21

I really wouldn’t do this, unless he can afford to permanently be down that £25k and will be okay if he never gets it back.

We had a friend like this and he was forever lending money from one friend to pay back another so there was always somebody who needed money from him, it’s one way to destroy a friendship.

Eggsinthewhoopsiebasketalready · 25/04/2025 12:23

And when he can't pay dh back will there eh9 another mug to borrow off to pay HIM back?
Stop the cycle now op.

Original poster
ParsnipPuree · 25/04/2025 12:24

He’s never asked before. But I agree it’s too much and I’m not comfortable with it. I’m also fed up of people seeing dh as a soft touch.. which he is

OP posts:
Seafloral · 25/04/2025 12:25

Absolutely no way is this a good idea. Also it's colluding behind the wife's back. She needs to know if her husband is in debt. For all you know the debt could have been run up through gambling etc. Tell your DH not to get involved.

Ooral · 25/04/2025 12:25

Say goodbye to the money, and the friend.

You only need to look at the number of threads on this site to see what's coming. Your husband will probably have to pay tax on the money next year if he takes it out.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 25/04/2025 12:26

Do not get involved it would be madness to do this.

Original poster
ParsnipPuree · 25/04/2025 12:27

We have a blended family with adult children. If he does this for a friend, that gives carte blanch for their spouses to rack up huge debts and turn to us cap in hand. I can’t live like that and it will not have a positive effect on our marriage that’s for sure.

OP posts:
Justchillinhere · 25/04/2025 12:28

Don't do it, dribs and drabs of money will be given back to him for a short time, then it'll stop completely with sob stories of how he hasn't got it. You DH will literally be begging for his own money back. They will sever their friendship soon after

Ooral · 25/04/2025 12:28

Adding to my post above, if he is coming to your husband, means that he can't borrow from a bank.... why is that? Again, we already know the answer, credit rating is shot due to being up to his danglies in debt and/or not keeping repayments.

Your husband is giving the money away, and the friend will continue the cycle of stupidity debt.

Bushmillsbabe · 25/04/2025 12:28

This man's wife needs to know before any loan, otherwise you and your DH are complicit in the deceit. If she knows then she can align with her dh on better budget management.
Does this friend have a gambling/drug problem? Otherwise I can't see how she doesn't know they are living beyond their means.
As others have said, do not lend unless you can afford not to get it back.

DeedlessIndeed · 25/04/2025 12:28

How can they adjust their spending as a family if he won't come clean to his wife.
Makes me think that there is more to this.

How likely is it that you dont know that you have zero savings and are 25K in debt?

BobbyDazzler11 · 25/04/2025 12:28

Absolutely not - he's already borrowed from one friend and can't pay it back.

How has he lost this money if his wife is clueless ?

Original poster
ParsnipPuree · 25/04/2025 12:29

Ooral · 25/04/2025 12:25

Say goodbye to the money, and the friend.

You only need to look at the number of threads on this site to see what's coming. Your husband will probably have to pay tax on the money next year if he takes it out.

That’s a point.. hadn’t even thought about tax. He is his best friend and it’s so sad. Dh insists he 100% believes he’ll get it back. If he didn’t, that’s when I’d tell my friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
ParsnipPuree · 25/04/2025 12:31

DeedlessIndeed · 25/04/2025 12:28

How can they adjust their spending as a family if he won't come clean to his wife.
Makes me think that there is more to this.

How likely is it that you dont know that you have zero savings and are 25K in debt?

I think he’s scared to admit it to his wife. What’s more he’s in finance!

OP posts:
AprilMadness · 25/04/2025 12:31

Dear god! He's borrowing money off one friend to pay another off!

I'd be kissing bye to that £25k!!

Your husband sounds a wee bit gullible to be honest.

Original poster
ParsnipPuree · 25/04/2025 12:32

And no there’s no gambling/drug problem. They have quite a few kids so it’s easy to spend money.

OP posts:
Bushmillsbabe · 25/04/2025 12:35

ParsnipPuree · 25/04/2025 12:29

That’s a point.. hadn’t even thought about tax. He is his best friend and it’s so sad. Dh insists he 100% believes he’ll get it back. If he didn’t, that’s when I’d tell my friend.

Show quote history

If you withhold this info from your friend, be prepared to lose your friendship too. It will come out that you know at some point.

CanOfMangoTango · 25/04/2025 12:35

No.

The condition of lending the money needs to be that he tells his wife. And you get some sort of confirmation that he's done it.

Otherwise it's carte blanche for his friends to rack up more debt and when he stops paying your DH back, which in your heart of hearts you know, you'll be dropping a bomb into his wife's life. I would never speak to you again if I was her.

You will lose both friendships.

MissUltraViolet · 25/04/2025 12:37

This is gonna blow up at some point.

DH, other than a few hundred every now and then before payments stop completely, won’t get it back.

Your friend (the wife) will eventually find out and feel probably embarrassed and betrayed by everyone.

Your marriage will suffer because you’re now feeling resentful that you’re out a lot of money and your husband didn’t listen to you trying to tell him it’s stupid.

If I could afford to throw this money away, before I’d even consider it i’d want two things - he talks to his wife and tells her what is going on and he makes it very clear exactly why he needs this money, what happened and why and how.

Bushmillsbabe · 25/04/2025 12:39

ParsnipPuree · 25/04/2025 12:32

And no there’s no gambling/drug problem. They have quite a few kids so it’s easy to spend money.

But I don't understand how she doesn't know there is an issue? Does she work?
Surely by looking at their account she will know they have received money and then see it (hopefully) go back our to your DH.
25k is our mortgage and all our utility and council tax bills for a year, it's some families whole spending for a year. This debt hasn't hapenned overnight.
If they are consistently spending beyond their means, they are going to go further and further into debt, what is his plan to pay you back?

suburberphobe · 25/04/2025 12:39

Don't do it OP.

This could drop a bomb into your marriage and could lead to a divorce.

If your husband goes through with this he's an idiot.

Wishimaywishimight · 25/04/2025 12:39

I would not be lending money to a habitual borrower (from friends) who has just been on holiday! Tell him to go to a bank. If they won't lend to him there is probably a good reason.

DoYouReally · 25/04/2025 12:40

Your DH is bring extremely foolish.

Firstly, he needs to take to his accountant about doing this is the most tax efficient way and ensuring it's properly taxed and accounted for. A smart accountant will tell him he's daft but can't stop him.

If he still insists, he should have friend sign a properly documented loan agreement.

I used to work in debt recovery. I estimate about 25% of people get into difficulty through no fault of their own - job lodes, bereavement, illness etc.

The remainder do so because of stupidity, bad choices and overspending. They don't change and repeat the same patterns continuously.

Mainstream banks want to lend money. It's how they make money. If they won't let to his friend, there's a damn good reason.

IME, it's the decent genuine people and helpful (albeit naive) friends and family that get stung. They are the people who will help clear debt, make up arrears and have signed guarantees.

I would bet everything on your husband never receiving a penny. He is just replacing the poor idiot who lent the first time and will require another idiot to take out his loan if the friend can find one.

There's lots of other ways to help, pointing him to stepchange, helping with loan application, helping with budgeting etc.

The only way he should five his fridnd this money is if he considers it a gift and it's gone. The probability of getting is back is so low.

MissUltraViolet · 25/04/2025 12:40

ParsnipPuree · 25/04/2025 12:32

And no there’s no gambling/drug problem. They have quite a few kids so it’s easy to spend money.

He needs 25k because he has a few kids?

So the money is for what, general expenses? If so how on earth are they going to pay it back. They really aren’t coping and if he’s hiding it all from his wife then she isn’t going to change her spending habits.

Imagine this time next year, he’s missed loads of payments and then you see pictures of them on holiday…

DwarfPalmetto · 25/04/2025 12:41

YANBU to be angry. Don't lend what you can't afford to lose. Does his company really have a spare £25k sitting around doing nothing? Unlikely.

It will have a negative impact on your friendships whatever happens. If dh lends the money, you will resent the friend. What does that mean for your friendship with his wife? You will also have the dilemma of either keeping a big secret or else telling her and blowing apart her marriage.

If dh doesn't lend the money, the friend will resent it and the friendship will most likely end. What will that mean for your friendship with his wife? And you will probably still have the dilemma of keeping it secret or not.

It will end badly either way.