Friend has invited herself on holiday with me. WWYD?

[OrtsandNoughts]

I am going on holiday on my own in August. This is a very precious time for me as I am a full time unpaid carer for my son, who has complex needs and my father who has dementia. Day to day life is completely devoted to their needs 24/7. I have no time to myself. I have managed to arrange respite for them both and have booked 5 days in Portugal. This will be my first solo holiday for a long time and I’m so excited!
I know Portugal well,I lived there for 10 years and have taken my son and father on holiday there for many years. Except with them it’s not a holiday for me, as the caring responsibilities continue wherever we are.
But this August, I will be on my own. Free, unburdened, with no one to worry about. I am so looking forward to it!
I have a good friend who is also a carer for her daughter who has complex needs. She is married and has lots of family support (I have none) She goes on holiday often as a family or just her and her husband as she has family to look after her daughter. My friend knows my situation and understands the pressures of caring as we talk about it often. She also knows I am going on holiday on my own and that I enjoy travelling solo.
My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along. She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too! She is asked about where I’m staying, and when I said it was an expensive hotel (to put her off) she said she’d find something cheaper nearby and then sent me a photo of somewhere she’s going to book!
AIBU to not want to go on holiday with her and her daughter? AIBU to not want to be responsible for someone else on my precious holiday? How do I tell her I don’t want them to tag along without ruining the friendship? WWYD?

@OrtsandNoughts a good friend wouldn't let honesty ruin a friendship. I'm constantly amazed how people don't seem to be able to tell their nearest and dearest how they actually feel for fear of it ending that relationship.

Enjoy your solo holiday, you really deserve it.

You should have politely told her at the get go that you needed to be alone for this break. But it’s not too late to do so now, you are more than entitled to some completely carefree time. Go and have a wonderful break.

Christ what is it with some people??? Just say it is your alone time and you do not want any company.

YWBVVU to let her come.
You've explained clearly to us why you need to go alone. Explain to her too. The holiday she's looking for is very different and you would not be compatible.
Best get a taxi to the airport though!

Thank you all for your messages of support. You have confirmed what I believed-that it is not unreasonable to want to go away alone.
I’m going to speak to my friend about it face to face today and will use an amalgamation of some of the brilliantly worded speeches you have posted, which are hugely helpful. Thank you.
To give a bit of background-I was actually helping her plan a holiday with her husband to Portugal in September. She’s never been before and wanted my local knowledge. I was happy to help. Then last night she called me quite late, out of the blue, and I was taken aback as we don’t really talk on the phone. She suggested coming with me in August as a practise run to get to know the area and I was a bit blindsided really. I tried to put her off by saying I’d booked an expensive hotel but Then she sent me the accommodation she was considering. Clearly, as many of you have said, I should have outright said no, I want to go alone. But it was the fact she caught me unawares.
I woke up this morning with a gut feeling that it was not what I wanted and so posted for the wisdom of Mumsnet! Thanks for the reassurance that going on my own is the right thing to do. I am usually quite assertive (for those that suggested I’m a wet lettuce! 🤣) but caring for others and putting their needs first does mean that perhaps over the years, I’ve dropped my own boundaries.
For clarity, I don’t think she would expect me to care for her daughter. And she wouid be happy to stay elsewhere and leave me to my own plans a lot of the time. But I just really want to do the whole thing alone. The flight, the transfer, and 5 glorious days of doing exactly what I want to do-no plans, no commitments, no considering others.
I’m going to explain all this to her this afternoon. I’m sure she’ll understand and I think our friendship will survive. As some have suggested, we can do a night out or a weekend away in the future. But I need my precious holiday to Portugal to be totally solo. 😎

Tell her you want to get away from everything at home. That way it's not so personal.

Several threads on here lately where people are inviting themselves on other peoples holidays and it's sad, crazy, stalkerish behaviour from people with minimal self awareness.

Can you change your hotel? If not, you will have to tell her. You are intending to spend the week in solitude. Speaking only when you have to. Reading and sleeping and not engaging socially at all.

Exactly this.

Use your voice and say no.

I think you should message her so she doesn't go ahead and book somewhere. Then you can chat later. I suspect you'll need to be firm repeatedly as it doesn't appear she has self awareness or empathy!

Just say no. Use words. I can’t believe the amount of people on here who are unable to just stand up for themselves.

you deserve this, have it on your terms

You should already have said "no, thanks". Do it asap, if you feel you need to explain do it, but then reaffirm "no".

Just tell her straight.
If your friendship doesn't survive it then that's on her. It won't survive anyway if she comes on the trip.

I hope she is understanding when you speak this afternoon. It sounds like you need the time to yourself to unwind and recharge.

Let them go but just do your own thing when you get out there, ye can meet up in the evening for a drink / dinner for company if you want

Sorry @Middlechild3 I didn't mean to quote you. I just meant to add a message!

I just really want to do the whole thing alone. The flight, the transfer, and 5 glorious days of doing exactly what I want to do-no plans, no commitments, no considering others.

Make sure you use these words. And don’t let any part of them be eroded.

Omg
I can't believe someone would actually do that ,I'm autistic and even I know that's rude , inappropriate and just not what you do .
I'm a carer for my two autistic DC and I often go for coffee alone ( not the same as a holiday I know )
And sometimes I'm enjoying my alone coffee and some one who thinks they are a friend comes and sits me with me ,not even asking..they just come over with their coffee and sit there .. usually I'm too speechless to say anything.
But to invite yourself on someones holiday....you just don't do that ,it's not acceptable

Op, please tell her that they are free to visit Portugal if they want but not to on your account as you have lots of plans already and won't be around to meet up due to pre existing plans and trips already sorted and booked. On a separate note enjoy your holiday, I hope you have the best time , and your trip should be exactly how you want it. 😊

If she is a true friend you can explain all this to her and she will understand and apologise for being presumptuous. That’s it. If she isn’t a true friend then her reaction will be different.

But I just really want to do the whole thing alone. The flight, the transfer, and 5 glorious days of doing exactly what I want to do-no plans, no commitments, no considering others. I’m going to explain all this to her this afternoon.

Yes! I do hope she does not try to yeah, but... you. "Oh, we won't interrupt, we'll just be down the road...It'll be such fun." Please have your solo holiday.

Good luck with your chat to her OP - you're doing the right thing. Just be honest and strong - don't let her emotionally blackmail you or talk you round.

If I suggested I would come along on a holiday and my friend responded saying their hotel is expensive then I'd assume they were ok with me coming along and were trying to suggest I find something more appropriate for me.

It sounds like a miscommunication rather than the friend being terrible.

I think you're doing the right thing by telling them that you really need time by yourself. A good friend will understand and I'm sure it'll all be fine!

If your friend is a carer for a daughter with complex needs, she of all people should understand.

I'd keep this very brief and remind yourself that she has intruded on your plans and that you should not feel guilty for standing your ground.

Write it in a text if it's easier, so there is less room for negotiation. "XX, I appreciate you offering to keep me company on my trip, but with everything on my plate, I really need this week as a time to myself. Thanks for understanding."

If she still doesn't back off, then you can step it up and tell her that you hope she has a lovely time in Portugal but that you really need this time to recharge. Again, thanks for understanding.

Part of the fun of a holiday is being able to look forward to it--something that would go a long way in your very tiring days. She has robbed this from you. You need to nip this immediately, kindly.

Do not allow yourself to feel remotely guilty especially because she is bringing her daughter, who has needs. That is wildly unfair to you given your position.

Good luck @OrtsandNoughts