I’ve become ugly and it’s affecting my life

[Olddd]

I’m 39 and have one toddler. In the last two years I’ve become really unattractive. I was never the most beautiful woman in the room but I was attractive enough to find it easy to date, I had nice skin and my make up would work well and my hair would look shiny.

I am now… old. My face is haggard. My skin looks dull. Make up often makes it all worse not better!

My hair never shines like it used to. It’s dull, thin, brittle. Even though I’ve done nothing differently to how I used to style it and I rarely use heat.

My mouth is a mess. My teeth used to be exactly straight and very white, now they look smaller! That’s the only way I can describe it. My whole mouth area seems small and the skin around it sagging.

I know looks aren’t everything but I honestly feel like I will never look or feel attractive again. I feel a million mile away from being a good looking woman.

I’ve had all blood tests done and there’s nothing in them to suggest there’s a medical reason for this. Am I just going to get uglier as I age and what can I do?! I used to feel strongly about not having cosmetic surgery but I feel really low whenever I catch myself in the mirror.

That is just how I feel, I have to brace myself to look in the mirror and then I sometimes want to cry when I do! I feel like me but look like one of my long gone aunties! Old photos have the same effect. People would always comment on my looks when I was young and I was often described as beautiful though I could not see it myself. I try to reframe it by being glad that I am at least healthy and have good skin with few wrinkles but oh I miss my pretty face from years ago. As for "tweakments" they are totally unaffordable. I do think kids age you too, all the work, the worry, the lack of sleep, and often the lack of money to spend on yourself.

There's a degree of acceptance about ageing that's required, honestly. I am really struggling too, but have lost a lot of weight and things are a bit saggy too which does not help. It's also the horrible meno impact - sleep etc.

So the things that genuinely made a difference to me have been
exercise - walk 1 hr to 90 mins daily
water
less alcohol (not no alcohol, let's be real)
less carbs and a well-planned diet - I have calorie restricted to lose weight but its the quality of the nutrients that have had the most impact, i feel really bad if I don't eat properly
supplement - skin, hair nails - biotin has helped my hair grow back, collagen did nothing.
HRT - so I don't want to kill everyone else/can manage the rage etc
skincare - I used to spend on this, now I spend on SPF for day use, glycolic for cleansing and retinol.

In a year, I've lost a lot of weight and recently saw a male friend who hasn't seen me for a year. He told me I look incredible and at least 10 years younger than last year, despite me thinking I look old and haggard. He (sadly) doesn't want to get in my pants so genuinely meant it.

Depends what your definition of ugly is maybe. Some people are way older than Op and look great. Many people 40+ looks amazing to me. Lots of my friends in their early 40s don’t look necessarily much different from my friends in their mid 30s.

Or my aunty for example who is 70 looks great for her age, slim figure, slim face, tight skin…still reasonably active (but tbf she was
Remarkably stunning and looked very young wel into her 50s.)

But yes those of us who are fortunate not to die prematurely all do get old. I don’t think it means we look “ugly” though.

My usually very attractive sister had a couple of kids in her late thirties. It took five years for her to look herself again - her skin was terrible, she just looked destroyed by lack of sleep, not having enough time to herself, too much eating standing up etc. I think you just have to ride it out, you'll feel like yourself again eventually.

I didn't have kids and my decline has been slower and more manageable, but there is still a decline. I do look in the mirror and wonder what happened to my lovely skin, why does it now feel like a lizard's and no make up will sit on it. But it's been easier to handle because there wasn't a massive shift change like having a child. You need to give yourself time and credit for what you're managing to do - which is care for another demanding human who has no interest in your self care regime!

Some photos of me three years ago came up on my memories this morning. I looked dreadful - haggard with terrible skin. At that point I had a three year old and wasn't sleeping well or looking after myself.

I now have a six year old, and I honestly look so much better. My skin is clear, much less lumpy looking face, generally happier and more me again. Toddlers are hard. Give yourself some grace and try to look after yourself better.

There is a massive Boots where I live and practically the whole of the ground floor is like a temple to make up, hair care, skin care and fragrance. I often think that if all this stuff lived up to all its promises then we would all be strutting round like ageless supermodels Women's (and increasingly men's insecurity) about their appearance is a huge money spinner.

Completely agree with all this. Some good advice here @Olddd

If I’d just went with the defeatist attitude of “I’m old in my 30s”, I believe i’d have continued to decline in appearance. Maybe it’s because my social circle all look fairly youthful it wasn’t easy for me to settle into looking old in my 30s and I’m glad I didn’t.

At least try lifestyle changes and if it still doesn’t work, okay you may just have naturally aged earlier than some others - we are all different and genetics /skin type/melanin play a part - but at least you’ll have tried and will feel and be better for having improving your diet and exercise.

Yes that’s obviously what she was saying. Good grief, have a word with yourself.

I have voted YABU but that’s because of the cosmetic surgery comment. I’m going to be real with you here, you either grow old accepting what you see in the mirror. You can obviously work out, use nice creams and present as “taken care of” but if you don’t start down at least the “aesthetics” route (things like injectable skin care/botox) then there’s only so much you can stop the clock aging you. Maybe a new hair cut will help, maybe a new wardrobe but the fact is if you’re already feeling this way then that likely won’t be enough. There’s a big difference between surgery and aesthetics, why not go to someone reputable for a consultation?

@OP is 39! hardly as old as you, so some empathy won't go amiss.

I was in a similar big Boots over Bluewater at Christmas as they do my ‘un perfumed ‘ deodorant ( not many sell it in shops anymore ) and it was hard to track down.
I was also walking amongst a sea of different products and hair care and just ‘stuff ‘ really and it also struck me just how much there is! I know it’s always been like this , but many are just the same thing in different packaging, ‘new and improved ‘ ( why is the old one not any good any longer ?) just so much choice all designed really to make us think we are not good enough and to spend money on things that may not work. I’ve bought into it all myself, but it did make me think. I know men’s products are just as full on too, but we all know it’s women they aim the majority of it to.
bit depressing really. Sorry to derail.

It's different post-kids. I used to be able to use any old moisturiser and light-medium coverage makeup slapped on on the bus and look fine. If I did a face mask it was just for fun.

The exact same products I used to use don't sit as well as they used to. I now absolutely have to have a proper cleanser, a day and a night cream, if I don't do a sheet mask once a week I notice it, I've had to get a special panthenol cream for this weird rough rash I get on my cheeks, I need a dewy serum foundation which I have to set with a powder, and it has to be an expensive one....I could go on. Basically, every single step matters more, costs more, and takes longer. But if I do take those steps I look...well, I still look older -- but I look more like my old self. And I think I'm fairly low maintenance (do own nails, shave legs in the shower, no Botox).

I’m 53, good diet, slim, loads of sleep, tret, vitamins, collagen decent skin care. My face though is haggard and in addition collapsing on one side, had Botox for eye wrinkles and she asked me if I did a lot of driving ie sun exposure. Nope. Went to enquire about an upper blephroplasty and the surgeon remarked on it and asked if I’d lost weight nope been this weight for 30 years. So it’s not in my head, I look like shit!

I’ve stopped looking in the mirror as much.

I suppose I’m saying you can do all the right stuff but if it’s in your genetics to have a face that’s melting like a candle then what can you do.

i also think that reading threads on here people are convinced that celebs have had no work done when it’s glaringly obvious they’ve had a face or brow lift. Pam Anderson a case in point, she’s lauded for not wearing make up but she’s going make up free with a smooth brow, taut jawline and no wrinkles , congratulating her is like congratulating a 20 year old for going au naturell.

I was a prettyish girl.. now I’m in my 50’s you wouldn’t recognise me. I just try and focus on other aspects of my life i’m happy with and be grateful for what i have, which is a considerable amount more in terms of happiness than I had in my 30’s.

I just wanted to throw my hat in insofar as make up is concerned. Us middle-age ish women are sometimes guilty of sticking with what we know, which as we age can end up making us look older rather than younger.
I don’t wear much make up anymore but I found the advice of make up artists who focus solely on mature complexions genuinely game changing! Erica Taylor is one worth checking out - simple tutorials that can totally change the shape of your face without slapping loads of makeup on.

Sorry to see you’re feeling down about your appearance. 💐 I’m at a similar age and stage to you and it’s had an impact on my self-esteem too, so you’re not alone. It feels so shallow to say this, but people are simply kinder and more gracious to good-looking people. I’ve noticed a massive difference if I tip over a certain weight/dress size.
Some things that I’ve changed to help me look and feel better are:
Getting hair cut and coloured more regularly, changed hair cut to add more layers.
Better skincare routine, esp. micro needling thing from Trinny London.
Changed supplements, I added a magnesium, omega 3 and collagen.
Intermittent fasting to reduce bloat (esp. in face and neck)
Updated my wardrobe to feel more polished and like myself and less tired.
More frequent trips to the hygienist to keep my smile looking brighter.
They're all fairly superficial things but they might help you feel a little better about yourself too.

Hope you find some things that work, you’re not alone! 🤗

Having just hit 50, I wouldn’t say I’m shocked at how I’m aging, but I have noticed a marked difference. The fact is, I can no longer assume that everything will fall into place naturally every day with minimal effort. I now have to work harder for the same result, if that makes sense?

In reality that means a good skincare routine, possibly injectables in the next 5 years. Hair now needs a cut and colour more frequently, clothes need to be planned properly rather than just pulled on. Exercise is no longer for toning and general health - it’s now also about maintaining posture and flexibility and has had to be adapted for this (more weights, less running).

You can’t turn back time but, with effort, you can slow it down.

This is definitely something nobody tells you about. I was really attractive when I was in my early 20s, objectively.

I would still objectively be described as pretty, I think, but I honestly don’t look like the same person. I looked nothing like my mum, and then 5 ish years ago I morphed into her double. Her actual double. And I never bore any resemblance to her until I hit mid 30s.
I really do not even resemble what I used to look like, and it’s so strange. It’s not what you’d expect ageing to look like (although that has happened too). My face is an entirely different shape (and not linked to weight gain).

I find the whole thing utterly bizarre, and am amazed my husband even recognises me any more! I thought it was due to weight gain, but I lost all the weight and still looked nothing like my old self.

I bought some whitening strips online. Tricky things that actually were very uncomfortable and not that pleasant to try , but they did work ( a bit)
whitening powder is also good ( Amazon )

@Olddd

Your face is just changing. This happens to everyone at every stage.

I very much doubt that you are ugly but rather that you are fixating on things which naturally change-sometimes even for the better. Don't keep looking in the glass for faults-it's no different to staring at the ceiling and imagining a tiny line in the plaster is subsidence!

If you are constantly looking at yourself and comparing yourself to past pictures, you will make a rod for your back. No-one looks at your face so intently as the owner of it.

My friend is 62 and she looks a lot better than she did in pictures depicting her in her twenties. She looks glossier, healthier and just better looking although she doesn't look as if she is 30 and doesn't want to!

What does your mum look like? Do you think she has got uglier as she has aged.

I don't want to say it is all in your mind because faces do change but I think what is in your mind that you've turned into a hag at 39!

When you are 79, you'll look at pictures of yourself and think,'I wish I had appreciated how I looked back then.'

The only practical thing I would suggest-and that sounds as if might be a phyiscal problem-is your teeth and a trip to the dentist (or trips) will rectify that.

The Ordinary lactic acid is great for dull skin

I do microneedling and I think it’s great, I bought an electronic microneedle ( DrPen brand) and do it myself, If you do it every month until you have done six-eight sessions you will start to see a difference, then do it every six months after that, do it on your face and neck

You are still quite young and a busy mum so I think some of it must just be tiredness and when you start to get better sleep you won’t look as bad as you think

I bet you are not at all ugly OP, just looking slightly older, which is age appropriate around 40. As long as you think you look hideous you will be staring mournfully into the mirror with a droopy face. Get some advice on makeup that suits you, drink lots of water and take some gentle exercise every day, and smile into the mirror! 39 is very young, make the most of it.

Start by realising you’re a Warrior Queen raising a toddler . Then please ensure you’re treating yourself and your body really well & with great love . Lots of good ideas on this thread re hydration, facial yoga , nutrition etc so that you feel happy & healthy and know your self worth . Enjoy the process of looking after yourself . xx

Love this

Kids really does a number on you, I know it has for me. I was fresh faced in photos of me pre-toddler and now I look tired and old like I’ve really been through it. And I guess we have. Huge hormonal shifts, bodies expanding and contracting with pregnancy and post partum, long periods of sleeplessness where are bodies aren’t able to keep up without the energy we need. I also had the problem of
not having time to feed myself properly through the first two years of my daughters life.

I look worse for wear. I’d say go for cosmetic surgery if you think
itll help but otherwise maybe some kind of therapy maybe? To come to terms with it all? I know I’ve really struggled with my self image since child birth.

Be kind to yourself.