I’ve become ugly and it’s affecting my life

[Olddd]

I’m 39 and have one toddler. In the last two years I’ve become really unattractive. I was never the most beautiful woman in the room but I was attractive enough to find it easy to date, I had nice skin and my make up would work well and my hair would look shiny.

I am now… old. My face is haggard. My skin looks dull. Make up often makes it all worse not better!

My hair never shines like it used to. It’s dull, thin, brittle. Even though I’ve done nothing differently to how I used to style it and I rarely use heat.

My mouth is a mess. My teeth used to be exactly straight and very white, now they look smaller! That’s the only way I can describe it. My whole mouth area seems small and the skin around it sagging.

I know looks aren’t everything but I honestly feel like I will never look or feel attractive again. I feel a million mile away from being a good looking woman.

I’ve had all blood tests done and there’s nothing in them to suggest there’s a medical reason for this. Am I just going to get uglier as I age and what can I do?! I used to feel strongly about not having cosmetic surgery but I feel really low whenever I catch myself in the mirror.

Agree with this, look at your health and wellness as a whole, are you eating properly? Exercising? Spending time outdoors? Sleeping well? Drinking enough water? A lot can be attributed to diet and lifestyle, especially brittle hair & nails. Try increasing healthy fats like avocado, salmon, walnuts, and adding antioxidant foods like blueberries into your diet.

I tried Skin & Me and Dermatica when in the UK and I far prefer Skin & Me.

I live in Thailand now, where you can get Tretinoin really cheaply in every pharmacy, so I am quite lucky with that.
(If you know anyone going to a Italy, Spain or Greece on holiday then get them to grab you a few tubes. It's over the counter there too.)

It's really important to protect your skin barrier and start slow.

I started on 0.025% Tretinoin and built up to .1%

I still am cautious as my skin can get irritated, so my routine is this now.

Day 1: Tret
Day 2: Just cleanse, Laneige mist & moisterise
Day 3: Peel pad
Day 4: Just cleanse, Laneige mist & moisterise
Day 5: Tret
Day 6: Just cleanse, Laneige mist & moisterise
Day 7: Peel pad
Day 8: Just cleanse, Laneige mist & moisterise

(You can see the theme. The in-between days are the usual routine + the tret or peel pad.)

The big tubs of Vanicream moisteriser on Amazon are amazing. It has zero irritants in it, so is perfect when using a lot of actives (acids in the peel pads and tret).

The Laneige Cream Skin Cerapeptide Mist is fabulous between cleansing and moisterising (or after the actives) I use it every day.

I double cleanse (oil and then foaming). I'm not fussy about those really, I just make sure there's no irritants or actives in them.

Re cutting the pads in half, I just fold over the top and secure them with a bobby pin.

If you find that you are getting any peeling when you first start tret, this is totally normal, but putting a thin layer of vaseline on after your moisteriser can help lock in hydration. It's called the "slugging method".

So despite my scrotum neck one thing I have stopped doing is having my hair dyed blond. It ruined my hair. Now it's all grown out and is thick and healthy and framed in the front with white which looks good like I did it on purpose. I don't think I'll ever dye it again. Maybe a wash out tint for special occasions.
It no longer looks or feels like straw.

Are you saying OP isn't a nice person?

Think about Botox and filler as they can make a big difference - go to a professional, preferably on recommendation.
Smile all the time, force yourself if necessary, it really does make a massive difference to our faces.
Plus you’ll be your own worse critic so don’t be so hard on yourself, it won’t be as bad as you think.

If

🙄 I'd imagine it's more likely that she's saying the OP might be losing the superficial attractiveness of youth but that your character shines more through your face as you age. The OP is focusing on what she perceives as the negatives and isn't seeing herself as others will.

I said "not unreasonable".

I've always very average looking and didn't think I'd be at all bothered by growing older but it's still a shock to see the changing face in the mirror.

But accepting it and finding products that suit you better will do a lot to help - I use the Panteme Menopause Shamppo and Conditioner which has really improved how my hair looks, exercise has reduced some of the aches and pains and the middle aged spread.

It also really helps to focus on looking like the best version of whatever age you are rather than trying to look "younger".

I'm 38 and I feel like i've really aged in the last year- partly due to lack of motivation and a bit of weight gain. It's not having kids because mine aren't that young now and I actually looked better when they were small. Drinking lots of water is one thing I can see makes a difference quickly but I always slip on it.

I'm nearly 37 with a 11 week old and I have to say the last two months I am looking older, not just because of the baby but just little things like you say- lines deeper, skin not glowing, hair brittle not shiny.
I'm trying to up my nutrition, stress management and vitamin d intake (both time outdoors and tablets). Also trying to be more 'hormone healthy' before I go down the cosmetic route. I'm a week in and perhaps it's in my head but the deep breathing, lots more water etc may be making a difference already!
Sad though when I look at photos from the past and look in the mirror I don't know who I am anymore!!

You’re going through something a lot of women go through around this age. And it can be difficult.

Your child is very small which means you probably aren’t focussed on how you look very much, other than to be disappointed by it. It’s tough to notice wrinkles and loss of collagen knowing that you are going to continue to age. Aging is confronting.

But I am pretty sure that you will go on to feel better about how you look than you do now. Maybe in a year’s time when lo is sleeping better, some new make up and a good haircut are likely to make all the difference.
Just know you aren’t alone in how you feel and you probably won’t feel like it forever.

How is your diet OP? Do you get plenty of fresh fruit, veg, nuts, seeds? The latter are particularly good for your skin and hair.

I think I looked awful after my DS was born in my late 30's - but it gradually improved without much effort.

For me it was mostly discolouring of my facial skin, I guess caused by hormones. I'm a fair Celtic type and no kidding my face seemed to have orangey patches. I used to cover it with make up and kept meaning to get around to seeing a dermatologist but it gradually lightened and went back to normal.

I would get your blood test results printed out and really go through them. You could be sub optimal in one or more levels.
I realised my ferritin was pretty low after my last DC and it massively affected my hair quality, with thinning and more wiriness around the hairline, and I often looked very sallow and pale (and felt rough) - but the NHS range for ferritin is massive and I was very low but within 'normal' so not advised to do anything.
If I had just accepted the 'Your bloods are all fine' statement from the GP's receptionist I never would have known.
I've had issues with vitamin D too, as many people have!

Also you have a young child, it does take it out of you!

I second the PP who said its tough when you have young children. My DS is 12 and I am 44 and I look better than I did 10 years ago. I have time to exercise, I run or row twice a week and lots of strength training and try to walk as much as I can. I eat healthy. I still have treats and alcohol at the weekend, life is too short not to!
I have started using the Fenty cookies and cream face mask a couple of times a week, this has helped with my dull skin.
Look at your make up, what suited you a couple of years ago won't suit you now. I realised powder blusher and bronzer are my enemy, I now use cream versions and they look much better on me.
I use Vit C face serum on a night which makes my skin look brighter.
I have quite fine hair which I had cut a few months back from straggly shoulder length to an italian bob and its a game changer. I can wash it, put anti frizz serum in and leave it to dry naturally and it looks nice. I can wear it straight or wave it if I want to put some effort in. My hair looks much thicker and healthier.
We are all getting older and aging but this is a luxury and I promise you won't look anywhere near as bad as you think.
I look at pics of celebrities aging gracefully, Sarah Jessica Parker and Helen Mirren and yes they look older than they did, they have lines and grey hair but they work with what they have and look amazing.

I voted that you are not being unreasonable because if you feel miserable, you feel miserable.

I had a realisation a couple of years ago that I was looking rough. I've always been lucky and had good skin and hair, but both became really dry. Wrinkles don't really bother me but my skin looked vile because it was so DRY and dull and wrinkly. Eyes looked sunken and crepey. Lips thinning. I stopped wearing make up every day quite a few years ago - I'm 46 - but all of a sudden I looked like death barefaced. Or maybe not all of a sudden. I just stopped looking at my face as much.

I started using The Ordinary retinal serum at night, with a layer of Cerave hyaluronic acid on top then a ROC retinol night cream. This has definitively made a difference and the products aren't wildly expensive. I also use a layer of the Cerave hyaluronic acid on my lips and seal it in with vaseline, to make an overnight lip mask, and I haven't needed to use lipbalm since I started.

What is expensive is the collagen capsules I have also started taking - a brand called Ingenious. They're expensive because they have some sort of coating that means they pass through my stomach and into the intestine, where they are released and absorbed. Most collagen tablets just get destroyed in your stomach. Since I've been taking them, my nails grow longer and stronger, the baby hair wispy shit around my hairline grows stronger, my eyelashes are as thick as they were when I was younger and my lips feel plumper. They are no doubt doing something for my skin too, which is why I bought them in the first place, but I can't separate that out from the new skincare.

That and drinking more water has made a world of difference to the condition of my skin and hair.

Make up - it's a real marmite product but I ADORE Jones Road Miracle Balm. Not for all over my face - applied as a blusher. It brings back the glow I had when I was young, and it doesn't sit on my skin like other make up. Tub is massive, it will last me until I die if I don't think of the number of times I've put my germy fingers in it...

Sagging skin - I've seen people get great results with Gua Sha stones but I don't have the time or patience and I suspect you don't either.

I think we all get to an age where we have to actively think about and look after our skin and hair if we want to continue to look healthy and well. Not pretty or young - but just alive! I have no problems with ageing, I don't mind my wrinkles at all - but the dullness really was a shitter.

Really good makeup hides a multitude of sins OP.

OP. I'm 51. At a glance, I don't think I look any different to I did at 30...

But, of course, I do! 😉

And when I scrutinise my face in the mirror, I can see it. Of course I can. So I don't scrutinise it too much. And hope others don't either!

This is what helped me -

Changing to a lower carb diet and cutting out UPFs, which resulted in reduced redness, puffiness and a 1.5 stone weightloss without even trying.

Yoga - for strength, flexibility and well being.

Drinking 2L water daily - skin!

Oil cleansing method and ordinary Nivea moisturiser - game changer!

Supplements - vit D, magnesium, iron, B vitamins - I sleep better, have more energy, my skin is better.

I've recently started taking collagen. I wasn't sure what to expect but, within a month my ankles and wrists no long click painfully and my hair and nails are better.

Life is hard with a toddler and you are bottom of the pile! Take a bit of time to prioritise yourself and don't be so hard on yourself.

Light Botox makes a real difference, even if you can only afford it every 6 months.

The other thing is weight related though - I think any extra weight can be really aging generally, so it might be worth starting there and then having a good look at yourself afterwards.

Re: skin, again, if you have Botox your skin will look better straight away, but you add also add products with a bit of glow (Beauty Pie have some brilliant foundations, primers etc. and are not too pricey)

Some of your skin and hair issues could be related to perimenopause too. I started HRT at 42 and my skin and hair improved extremely quickly.

It’s the toddler!! I have looked old, depleted, haggard… all of it! for two and a half years. Fat, frumpy, thin hair, creasy eyes, dull skin, aged to about 45 while in my early 30s. And then my LO turned 3 and all of a sudden… I looked like me again and even got ID’d in the pub! It takes much longer to recover from birth than you might expect so keep an open mind that it may not be permanent!

I'm not saying that at all.

OP, like a lot of women, is focusing on the purely physical effects of the natural process of ageing.
That is what we are conditioned to do.
Any why so many women resort to invasive treatments and why so many use makeup to create a mask to present to the world.

I think there is real beauty in individuality and the personality in people's faces.

I'm sure OP is a " nice " person. I'm equally sure she isn't ugly at all.
I just think she is not seeing her own worth and value and beauty in her own face because she is noticing the natural physical ageing process which happens to us all but which is a crime in our society.

I found that trying a keto diet did wonders for my skin ( Dh too)
I do feel that woman are too harsh on ourselves sometimes and not everyone has the money or time for tweakments or facials etc , especially with young children around. Once they are at school you may have a bit more time for yourself then , but I’m sure you do look fine and just concentrating too much on the negative things others don’t notice at all. Mostly because they are too worried about their own health or problems tbh.
lots of good advice here too.

Oh and I keep getting face yoga videos pop up on fb. I don't know if it works but it might be worth looking into that. The videos are on YouTube.

It's supposed to help with keeping skin where it should be!

@Olddd You are a mum to a toddler! I looked tired and dull in the years post-baby, but now that dc are school-aged i look and feel so much better.
Forget about make-up, botox etc.
Focus on nurturing yourself. Sleep enough. Eat nutritious foods. Drink water. Go for walks if you don't have time to exercise. Laugh and connect with 'you ' again.
I promise it will get better soon!

I’m sure you aren’t ugly at all but I believe we all go through periods of feeling ugly.

Yep growing babies sucks the good stuff out!
No it doesn't, not if you look after yourself.
What nonsense.