I’ve become ugly and it’s affecting my life

[Olddd]

I’m 39 and have one toddler. In the last two years I’ve become really unattractive. I was never the most beautiful woman in the room but I was attractive enough to find it easy to date, I had nice skin and my make up would work well and my hair would look shiny.

I am now… old. My face is haggard. My skin looks dull. Make up often makes it all worse not better!

My hair never shines like it used to. It’s dull, thin, brittle. Even though I’ve done nothing differently to how I used to style it and I rarely use heat.

My mouth is a mess. My teeth used to be exactly straight and very white, now they look smaller! That’s the only way I can describe it. My whole mouth area seems small and the skin around it sagging.

I know looks aren’t everything but I honestly feel like I will never look or feel attractive again. I feel a million mile away from being a good looking woman.

I’ve had all blood tests done and there’s nothing in them to suggest there’s a medical reason for this. Am I just going to get uglier as I age and what can I do?! I used to feel strongly about not having cosmetic surgery but I feel really low whenever I catch myself in the mirror.

For turkey neck, I've seen older people swear by doing a short but daily neck exercises, consistently,

I also saw a lady doing a face exercise on Insta that I have recently adopted and do daily:

you put a pencil between your lips and smile broadly up into your cheeks and release.
I do it 10-15 times a day for four sets and try to remember to do this at least once a day. You can feel it work your neck, lower face and cheeks.

I can definitely see some plumping out under my eyes already 😀

It's up to you and of course you're going to get some people saying embrace how you look, and others saying go for all the 'tweaks.' Something similar happened to me in my early 40s - I noticed wrinkles, my hair thinned, I started to get a double chin! But I've gradually gone down the Botox, teeth whitening, diet, exercise, refusal to accept the inevitability of aging route. And actually I think I look better at 50 than I did in my mid-40s. The thinning hair is a PITA still though, it's not awful but I can't work out what to do to it to stop it from being so brittle.

When I got to about 30 I realised I had passed my peak - everything was only going to deteriorate. So now however bad I think I may look I tell myself to appreciate it because this time next year I will look worse😂

@notacooldad Yes it does.
Or have you personally grown a human insise you?
Thats why pregnant mums have free dental care. Pregnancy literally weakens your teeth because everything goes to the baby.

I’ve physically fallen apart in the last couple of years. Take my vitamins, drink water, lost weight, a fortune on creams and shampoos, all of that. My hair hasn’t grown back and my face seemed to be getting more lax. So I cracked and got a bit of filler/botox. The difference in a month has been absolutely amazing. No I don’t look 20 again, but it’s taken a good 5 years off me and the confidence boost does make me feel 20 years younger. I never thought I’d crack with a bit of plastic help but for me, has been worth every penny.

If it helps, I went through similar at 39 and 40. I have no idea why it’s improved but it has. I think I started with perimenopause and it made everything go nuts. Like a huge hormone imbalance. I nearly cried when my hair dresser commented my hair was different. I told her I felt awful and look awful.
Two years on and my hair is soft and shiny again and my skin has cleared. I have brain fog and anxiety and reflux instead!

So I’m saying hormones.

I feel the same.
I actually hate looking in the mirror , when I used to love sitting doing my make up and hair now I hate it as it means I have to look at myself.
My Jowels sag , my skin texture is horrible now no matter what make up I try
Even when I style and curl my hair , it’s limp and dull
Its just the last year this has really hit me to the point I’m embarrassed with myself
I do always make an effort with my appearance , hair / make up / waxing / colouring everything is kept up to date and neat but everything still looks old and dull and that’s how it’s making me feel inside too sadly.

I’m much older , but I found doing 10 minutes exercise ( following one on u tube )really helped a bit. there are loads on there and it does improve mood too and you can do it at home etc.
Hair masks are good and can be picked up fairly reasonably.
a few friends I know have saved up for Botox and they did look great.

It is horrible to feel like this, I'm much older than you and I still feel like me and then I look in a mirror and it isn't me, I look at photographs and it is even worse. I understand but don't know what the answer is.

Teeth can be fixed. You can get composite bonds to even out the colour, shape and size. My teeth were horribly eroded so the front ones were too small and thin.

Dentist built them up loads and now they look great and still very natural. He gave me a whitening kit for free but it hurts so I didn't use it much! That changed the shape of my lower face, my jaw looked more snatched and mouth looks nicer and 'fuller'.

I find I don't bother with much makeup now, as the foundation sits in my pores and wrinkles. Lipstick never really suited me, not bright coloured ones anyway. I have a good mascara now but that's about it.

Please don't worry. Everyone changes as they age but there are things you can do to minimise it. Plus I'm sure your friends and family love you for your personality and don't care about looks.

Oh bless you. I feel for you. I know a little what you mean. I have a big nose and thin hair so sometimes feel like I look like a witch! I'm late 40s and wrinkles are beginning to appear.

However, I have noticed that when I exercise I feel better about myself! Not just because it keeps my body feeling toned, slim and looking good. But also because it really helps my mood and my confidence! I feel fit and healthy so focus less on the odd wrinkle or big nose I can do nothing about! When you are running or swimming or whatever, the people around you, assuming they are putting effort in, all look a bit red faced or sweaty or whatever too! And at the pool you see all sorts of body shapes and wrinkles and bits and bobs that mist people usually try to cover up! It's very normalising :) So you are around normal looking people sharing a goal to be fit, rather than heavily made up people doing their best to look good. That helps with confidence!

This morning I came out of the pool feeling great! I had swum when much of the world was sleeping. I noticed my stomach was looking flatter than it has in a while and I was developing tone in my arms. That's what I noticed, not my flushed red face and wrinkles!

I'd suggest you build more exercise into your life and start mixing with hot, red, sweaty people that care more about getting fit and healthy than about the odd wrinkle or saggy tits!!

💛

Bad skin, hair and teeth at 39 suggests poor diet or you are smoking or drinking too much.

Look at your toddler and see how amazing your body is for creating another human.
Use suncream.
Accept ageing.
Smile.
It can be very freeing to look in the mirror as few times as possible.
Thank your lucky stars that this is all you have to be worried about and you haven’t got any serious health worries.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re 39 with a toddler. I imagine you have lost time to spend on yourself that you once did. I know l did and at 39 l had a baby and a toddler.

10 years on and peri menopausal l make sure l sleep 7-8 hours a night (this has only been since Christmas and l feel l look much better) and have a Sunday evening spa and a Wednesday night meditation.

No one in the world is ugly, we just compare ourselves to others and some just aren’t natural sadly.

My daughter is almost 10 and unfortunately I've never gone back to how I was before I had her. Ageing can be really difficult and distressing when you don't recognise the person in the mirror.

But it doesn't mean you're ugly - just different.

aw op it’s tough. Having little kids can really run you down. I went through this phase but as others have said, diet, excercise and skin care really make a difference. My face looks much better now than it did 5 years ago when I was in the depths of the sleep deprived baby and toddler years and had no time to look after myself.

My nose has grown , I’m sure of it ! I always thought it was only your ears that grew larger.
it’s surprising how faces change.

I had this feeling when I started getting grey hair. Now I quite enjoy seeing new greys. They're my trophies for surviving all the struggles and stresses life give you.

Rather than give you diet and beauty tips my suggestion is to do nothing

avoid looking at yourself in mirrors especially close up or for prolonged times ( I knew someone who removed mirrors from her house )

i work hard on my mindset around aging , rather than seeing it as something I need to fix and battle , I lean into it and embrace the positive side of not having to keep my looks

i exercise and eat for my long term health maintenance and disease avoidance not to look good in a bikini , I follow body and aging positive people on social media

it’s hard and of course I have days I look in the mirror or have a bad photo and wish I looked different but I do think it’s a feminist issue we need to address and I want to be part of the positive cultural change and that starts with every woman and man accepting aging as a part of life

not sure if that’s helpful ?

I stopped drinking ( couple of bottles of wine a week ) 10 years ago. Also after having dc and I feel I look loads better. My skin and hair is better and I look less dull and grey than I did. I feel better even with less makeup on. Not suggesting you drink too much but it really makes a difference to me!

I bet sleep deprivation or just general lack of good sleep patterns has a lot to do with it. I had five kids who never slept and spent most of my thirties and forties looking like a zombie. Now they've all grown up and left home and I'm in my sixties so good old anno domini has come calling in a big way, but I do try to get plenty of sleep. Having more energy, which getting enough sleep gives you, makes you look better without having to do anything else to the face.

Stop doing this to yourself.
An unhappy person can look for floors in their appearance and see them.
People may see your attractiveness for 30 seconds but after that who you are becomes so much more important.
I got a taxi the other day and look far far worse than you, the bloke was chatty and it was a 25 min journey, I kid you not at the end of the trip he asked me out to dinner as he said I was so much fun to be with...
Count your blessings, buty some nice clothing and jewellery and smile, enjoy life....

@ Dunnowotot Yes it does.
Or have you personally grown a human insise you?*
Thats why pregnant mums have free dental care. Pregnancy literally weakens your teeth because everything goes to the baby

Yes, I've ' grown' two and had multiple miscarriages and a ' born sleeping' as everyone around me called him., but as I said in my post you have to look after yourself. ( no issues with my teeth though)
Many mums i know put themselves at the bottom of the pile with self care and then feel like trap.
Wellbeing shouldn't be an afterthought.

However I'm sure most of us have had a wobble about our looks, i know i have, and posters have given a lot of solutions to help with the physical appearance which will help.

What helped me at toddler stage was having time to myself to go to the gym, sleep go for a walk, ride my bike( or whatever i wanted to do for a few hours) while dh did the kid work.

Looks wise,easy fixes were a nutritious diet and lots of water.
Bigger fixes were regular hair appointments, pedicures, manicures eyebrows shape and tinted and dental appointments snd botox which is wonderful for a lift.
I like to keep make make up look up to date. Youtube/ instagram have some great make up artists
These are still things I do 30 years after my first born.( I did have a slide a few years ago when I went to depression, but I've come through that now.

I'm not gorgeous and I've never been attractive but I feel good in how I present.

Op I'm sure you are having a bit of a panic but make sure you take time to look after yourself.

Mine too! I hate it 🤣

I completely empathise. Having a toddler in your late 30's just ages you. I'm a 38 year old haggard vampire already. I'm learning to accept it. I've got no more fucks to give about what anyone thinks🤣