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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’ve become ugly and it’s affecting my life

163 replies

Olddd · 25/04/2025 07:37

I’m 39 and have one toddler. In the last two years I’ve become really unattractive. I was never the most beautiful woman in the room but I was attractive enough to find it easy to date, I had nice skin and my make up would work well and my hair would look shiny.

I am now… old. My face is haggard. My skin looks dull. Make up often makes it all worse not better!

My hair never shines like it used to. It’s dull, thin, brittle. Even though I’ve done nothing differently to how I used to style it and I rarely use heat.

My mouth is a mess. My teeth used to be exactly straight and very white, now they look smaller! That’s the only way I can describe it. My whole mouth area seems small and the skin around it sagging.

I know looks aren’t everything but I honestly feel like I will never look or feel attractive again. I feel a million mile away from being a good looking woman.

I’ve had all blood tests done and there’s nothing in them to suggest there’s a medical reason for this. Am I just going to get uglier as I age and what can I do?! I used to feel strongly about not having cosmetic surgery but I feel really low whenever I catch myself in the mirror.

OP posts:
okydokethen · 25/04/2025 10:37

Toddlers suck the life out of you, you’ll come back!

Ladamesansmerci · 25/04/2025 10:39

You're not ugly. You're aging. And you also have a toddler, and it's hard to invest loads of time in your appearance.

Modern society is obsessed with youth and cosmetic surgery, and we have forgotten what a normally aging woman looks like imo.

DoNoTakeNo · 25/04/2025 10:40

I’m so sorry you feel this way about yourself @Olddd
If it is any reassurance at all, I feel the same about myself - and many others do about themselves.
Really, we probably have no (ok, very little!) reason to at all, but we just feel this way.
So many factors in play here -
Bloody social media & accompanying false expectations
Availability of “cures” for what’s only natural after all.
Lack of societal memory - look at the photos of people from just a few decades ago, they looked so much older than we do now, and from what I gathered from my own grandparents, weren’t too troubled by it.

Personally, I dearly wish I was younger, but it ain’t gonna happen, so I guess I just have to come to terms with the negatives that accompany aging.

Meanwhile - stay hydrated, eat good stuff, avoid alcohol in excess, sleep well & obviously exercise are the way forward. Plus buckets of moisturiser!
Best wishes, OP

the80sweregreat · 25/04/2025 10:45

The only winners with all the insecurities we have is the beauty industry! I admit I have some things done to make myself feel better about myself , but it’s society that does it to us and the internet hasn’t helped either.

Kbroughton · 25/04/2025 10:47

You're only 39. I bet you don't look as bad as what you think you do! There is some good advice on here, but also, you have a toddler. When my child was a toddler I was 40 and felt haggered, overworked and hideous a lot of the time! I am 48 now now and feel much better now she is 11 and I dont have to watch that she is licking a lampost. Try to get some time to yourself if you can.

Undethetree · 25/04/2025 10:49

Definitely the toddler effect. Plus hormones perhaps. I could have written your post a few years ago but I'm older than you and I look and feel much better now.

Things that helped:

  1. not having a toddler anymore

  2. plenty of sleep

  3. exercise

  4. drinking 2L water a day and eating really well - honestly, this has made the most difference out of everything, particularly with skin and hair

  5. daily vitamins

  6. hair cut and colour

  7. skin care routine

  8. different make-up - hardly wear any now because the above has improved my skin and hair and I feel good about that

  9. Being OK with the fact that I'm not 21 anymore and I don't need to look 21 anymore. Basically, just not giving a shit tbh.

It's a different stage of life now - and it's great if you let it be!

CautiousLurker01 · 25/04/2025 10:54

I share your distress - same age, 2-3 years post menopause and significant weight loss and I seem to have aged 12 years in 3. Am seriously exploring facelifts, but also looking at polynucleotide and profhilo injections, a chemical peel, a bit of botox and maybe (it’s a very big maybe) some fillers from a dermatology clinic. Am terrified of ending up looking like Meg Ryan and Nicole Kidman - or Mickey Rourke - but am thinking it might not look as bad as the resting bitch face I’ve woken up with…

Also started bHRT recently, as lower oestrogen levels have a thinning/aging effect for women’s skin. Worth exploring?

Aimtodobetter · 25/04/2025 10:54

Olddd · 25/04/2025 07:37

I’m 39 and have one toddler. In the last two years I’ve become really unattractive. I was never the most beautiful woman in the room but I was attractive enough to find it easy to date, I had nice skin and my make up would work well and my hair would look shiny.

I am now… old. My face is haggard. My skin looks dull. Make up often makes it all worse not better!

My hair never shines like it used to. It’s dull, thin, brittle. Even though I’ve done nothing differently to how I used to style it and I rarely use heat.

My mouth is a mess. My teeth used to be exactly straight and very white, now they look smaller! That’s the only way I can describe it. My whole mouth area seems small and the skin around it sagging.

I know looks aren’t everything but I honestly feel like I will never look or feel attractive again. I feel a million mile away from being a good looking woman.

I’ve had all blood tests done and there’s nothing in them to suggest there’s a medical reason for this. Am I just going to get uglier as I age and what can I do?! I used to feel strongly about not having cosmetic surgery but I feel really low whenever I catch myself in the mirror.

I do think having kids and the rapid hormone changes are brutal to hair and skin as well. I’ve just had 2 kids rapidly and I am 40 and I feel like I really look it - however, I’m mostly ok with it because to an extent having had kids I just feel like I am in a different stage of my life from the stage where I was so overwhelmingly judged on my looks. The kids don’t care what I look like. I actually find that very freeing. However, a few things I have done - a friend of mine told me to take biotin to help with my hair, i went and replaced my decades old lipstick and blusher choices with colours that probably suit my colouring now much more, and I always have dyed my grey hairs with semi permanent hair dye.

BlakeCarrington · 25/04/2025 10:56

Dolamroth · 25/04/2025 08:01

Why are there so many threads about "ugly people" today?

I was thinking the same thing, I think there are 3 in active, odd.

Skethylita · 25/04/2025 10:59

I completely understand what you say, OP, the first few signs of visibly ageing can be a bit of a shock to the system. But there are things, practical and mental, that you can do to improve things to the point you no longer consider yourself "ugly" (which is such an ugly term - we wouldn't speak to strangers the way we speak to ourselves sometimes).

For your skin and hair, nutrition is key. Leafy greens, nuts and seeds are usually your best bet, and for your skin, also animal fat and collagen, which you can get from homemade broth by boiling animal bones (or just by eating cartillage, but some people are funny about its texture).

Keep your skincare simple and don't use lots of complicated products. I use the blue Nivea once a day, after showering, and it makes an amazing difference long-term. Light make-up, not the tonnes of chemicals people often smear on their faces in Youtube tutorials now. And a face mask once every 2-3 weeks, depending on where you are in your cycle, that can be cleansing or hydrating. Play around with those a bit and see what feels best. And many people don't want to hear it, but for older skin, a layer of fat underneath helps to keep it looking younger. So consider putting on a small amount of weight, just to plump it up a bit.

No alcohol. Whenever I don't drink, my skin and hair look a thousand times better.

Your hair will also need different products; it sounds like it's lacking moisture and here, it is useful to spend some money. What products to recommend would be best discussed with a hairdresser; my hair is curly, so I use products which seal in high amounts of moisture, and condition daily with a commercial leave-in hair mask once a week and an olive oil one once every 2-3 months.

Your teeth need looking at by a dentist - just to test their density. But things you can do otherwise is use an enamel-protecting toothpaste and a good look at your diet - if it's high in carbonated drinks or fruit, that will wear your teeth down considerably over time. Eat calcium-rich foods like cheeses, milk and unsweetened yoghurts to help keep your teeth strong.

As for the rest, protect yourself from the sun - long sleeves, covered chest and back, a wide-brimmed hat and seek the shade where you can. Go shopping if you can, to find a style that suits your shape, and buy only variations of that style. Find some great shoes, jewellery and sunglasses - it's amazing what a difference in confidence a few accessories can make.

And if all else fails, remember that the crone is the most highly respected of the three stages of womanhood; she is wise, confident in herself and her place in the world, so own the crone when you meet her.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 25/04/2025 11:03

First OP, I'm sure you look absolutely lovely and you're feeling more run down than anything else. There are a few things I do that I do believe help. I'm 33 fwiw.
I use nutrition geeks collagen powder and I find it really good. 2 tablespoons in coffee or water every day. It's given me a glow back. I think it's helped under my eyes a little bit too.
I also use maca and chlorella. I get from organic burst.
I have thick hair and if I don't deep condition once a week it looks like a wind bush. One of my favorite things I do every week is lie in a hot bath with a podcast on while letting my conditioner soak in. In terms of aging I had my hair bleached but it was definitely starting to age me as my hair looked knackered. I went for a copper brown instead and it definitely looks and feels a lot healthier.
I also run. I don't think there's one exercise better than the other its more about finding what you like and sticking with it. Weights bore the life out of me but I love a run, but whatever exercise you do choose will help you feel better about yourself. It's about consistency.
In terms of diet I do enjoy a glass of wine or two here and there but I eat an absolute minimum of processed foods. I batch cook once a week so I'm not tempted to eat crap after work. It saves time too.

BellesAndGraces · 25/04/2025 11:04

You’re not old and ugly. You have a toddler so my guess is that you are or were not getting enough sleep, are carrying more weight and are probably more stressed than you were pre-baby, which all affects our appearance.

I hate to admit it but weight gain is incredibly aging so if that’s a factor it’s worth looking at. It might explain why your teeth look smaller.

As for skincare, my guess is that your change in lifestyle since having a baby means that you’re skincare needs to work a lot harder than it used to. It might be time to look into tretinoin if you do not already use it.

IsItBeesThoughLooshkin · 25/04/2025 11:04

When I look back at pictures of myself from the toddler years, I look terrible. Just pale, haggard, thin hair, bad skin. I didn’t bother with makeup as it just made me feel worse. Since my youngest turned 4, I’ve regained my looks. I’m older but I look better. (I also fixed my teeth and had Botox, but those are not the main reasons I look better.) The toddler years are brutal. You will recover!

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 25/04/2025 11:06

So many of you are agreeing with her children make you old next time you go out walk around the street and look at all the good looking women with children. It’s all in your head you’re no uglier now than you were 10 years ago. But what to do about it?

There’s two ways change the outside or change the inside. Or actually do both simultaneously good luck.

the80sweregreat · 25/04/2025 11:12

I live close to a few schools and used to work in one ( not a teacher ) and the people dropping off there and at nursery are a mixed bunch. Some are off to the gym or a class , some look fine , some look a bit tired or run down , some more done up than others , some off to work so doing the breakfast club run. Some are child minders so have a few children ! All different.
The men usually look the most stressed out though ! Especially with more than one child in tow.
All too busy to notice much or anyone else’s wrinkles I bet!

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 25/04/2025 11:17

GreyCarpet · 25/04/2025 09:41

OP. I'm 51. At a glance, I don't think I look any different to I did at 30...

But, of course, I do! 😉

And when I scrutinise my face in the mirror, I can see it. Of course I can. So I don't scrutinise it too much. And hope others don't either!

This is what helped me -

Changing to a lower carb diet and cutting out UPFs, which resulted in reduced redness, puffiness and a 1.5 stone weightloss without even trying.

Yoga - for strength, flexibility and well being.

Drinking 2L water daily - skin!

Oil cleansing method and ordinary Nivea moisturiser - game changer!

Supplements - vit D, magnesium, iron, B vitamins - I sleep better, have more energy, my skin is better.

I've recently started taking collagen. I wasn't sure what to expect but, within a month my ankles and wrists no long click painfully and my hair and nails are better.

Life is hard with a toddler and you are bottom of the pile! Take a bit of time to prioritise yourself and don't be so hard on yourself.

What collagen do you take please?

Sportacus17 · 25/04/2025 11:18

I think you have two choices.
1.Accept ageing, see wrinkles etc as beautiful and focus on things other than your looks.
2.Fight it- Botox, facials / peels , shorter hair ?, colour analysis, tooth whitening etc etc

Lifecanbebeautiful12 · 25/04/2025 11:20

I went through something similar after having my first baby! I was 27 but became v stressed/depressed after the birth and wasn’t sleeping or eating well and I looked honestly terrible. I lost all the volume in my face, skin was terrible, lips constantly dry, hair thin and greasy etc etc. only now after 3.5 years have I started to look like myself again. Not sure if you’ve also been suffering with a lack of sleep/nutrition or stress but even just pregnancy/post partum/breastfeeding/broken sleep etc takes a huge toll on the body. For me what helped is to prioritise good, unbroken sleep! (Very difficult, I know) and to eat enough calories but with a focus on whole food and higher protein. I started to take fulvic acid which I feel has helped me with nutrient absorption and made a huge difference to my looks. I also take vit d and k3 supplements, omega 3, turmeric and Spatone iron sachets. Even if blood work shows ‘normal’, it’s often helpful to focus on these nutrients. Life with kids is tough and unfortunately it does affect our looks but I’ve found with a focus on rest, nutrition and less stress it can repair itself - the focus should be on what you can add to your diet/rest rather than take away! Also, walking my daughter to nursery with no sunscreen/baseball as I used to always wear outside has helped too! Short bouts of sunshine are good for us!

CautiousLurker01 · 25/04/2025 11:20

CautiousLurker01 · 25/04/2025 10:54

I share your distress - same age, 2-3 years post menopause and significant weight loss and I seem to have aged 12 years in 3. Am seriously exploring facelifts, but also looking at polynucleotide and profhilo injections, a chemical peel, a bit of botox and maybe (it’s a very big maybe) some fillers from a dermatology clinic. Am terrified of ending up looking like Meg Ryan and Nicole Kidman - or Mickey Rourke - but am thinking it might not look as bad as the resting bitch face I’ve woken up with…

Also started bHRT recently, as lower oestrogen levels have a thinning/aging effect for women’s skin. Worth exploring?

Sorry - thought i was replying to the other post about feeling ugly!! That was a menopausal woman like me. [Yes, there seem to be far too many ‘I feel ugly’ threads today.]

OP, I DO remember feeling shattered when at 39 I have a toddler and a newborn. It was mainly lack of sleep, wandering around in practical/comfy clothes that I didn’t care were covered in ready brek … and I never made time to get my hair done.

It’s just a phase. See if your DP/DM/MiL could come and help by having them for an afternoon and take yourself off to have your hair done and/or a manicure. Everyone told me to do it, but I martyred myself a bit. Really, you need to prioritise yourself once in a while.

chattychatchatty · 25/04/2025 11:25

I’d go shopping for make up that works for your skin - ask advice. Friends say Charlotte Tilbury is very good. If you have a friend with hair you admire, ask where she gets it done and book an appointment. Can you have your teeth straightened or whitened? Buy a top or dress in a colour that lifts your complexion? Experiment with brighter make up? Your post makes me think you mean drab instead of ugly (I’m certain you’re not ugly). I’d practice smiling at yourself and using positive affirmations. Try and see yourself through your toddler’s eyes 😍.

purplepenguindancing · 25/04/2025 11:29

Billybagpuss · 25/04/2025 07:58

You’re 39 with a toddler, you are not old, but when was the last time you took care of yourself? Focus on feeling good on the inside, how is your diet and gut health, do you get out for a walk every day?

I’m mid 50s and my kids are gone, I look back at pictures from when they were younger and honestly mostly I look haggard and exhausted, sure I look younger but I do think I look better and definitely healthier now.

I agree with all of this. I’m late thirties and I think I look better now than when my kids were young in my early thirties. Having a toddler is hard on your appearance 😂

Foundationhelp · 25/04/2025 11:30

Fully feel the same OP although a couple of years younger.

I expected the wrinkles but i have other things happen -
My white teeth are now yellowish, despite same dental routine.
My skin- after having my last baby , i got skin pigmentation on my face and it looks awful- I have to wear foundation as I have a moustache from the pigments .
Above my eye lids the skin below my eyebrows has literally just dropped , so if i wear mascara my eyes don’t look wide and open.
My overall skin is dry and rough.
My pores on my face skin have got larger and noticeable.

That felt good getting it all out 😂 it’s just been quite quick and noticeable.

Orollos · 25/04/2025 11:34

I don’t agree it’s as simple as age. I had a similar thing a few years ago in my mid 30s and I was alarmed and thought I’d aged early. but in my case it was due to a diet of takeaways, having extremely poor sleep (2-5 hours a night) and zero exercise/movement during the pandemic. This led to me putting on weight which affected my whole appearance but also my skin looked very tired and dull. I was also very stressed and it was showing in my face.

I worked on myself and changed various things and I’ve now shifted most of the weight and look much better generally now in my late 30s than I did in my mid 30s. Not saying it’s the same for everyone but lifestyle can play a role.

surreygirlzz · 25/04/2025 11:35

We all get old and ugly
It is part of life sadly

CautiousLurker01 · 25/04/2025 11:36

surreygirlzz · 25/04/2025 11:35

We all get old and ugly
It is part of life sadly

No, we all get old and society (and poster like you) tells us we are ugly.

We’re not. PPs like you make us feel like we are, though.