I’ve become ugly and it’s affecting my life

[Olddd]

I’m 39 and have one toddler. In the last two years I’ve become really unattractive. I was never the most beautiful woman in the room but I was attractive enough to find it easy to date, I had nice skin and my make up would work well and my hair would look shiny.

I am now… old. My face is haggard. My skin looks dull. Make up often makes it all worse not better!

My hair never shines like it used to. It’s dull, thin, brittle. Even though I’ve done nothing differently to how I used to style it and I rarely use heat.

My mouth is a mess. My teeth used to be exactly straight and very white, now they look smaller! That’s the only way I can describe it. My whole mouth area seems small and the skin around it sagging.

I know looks aren’t everything but I honestly feel like I will never look or feel attractive again. I feel a million mile away from being a good looking woman.

I’ve had all blood tests done and there’s nothing in them to suggest there’s a medical reason for this. Am I just going to get uglier as I age and what can I do?! I used to feel strongly about not having cosmetic surgery but I feel really low whenever I catch myself in the mirror.

Ok am going to get it deleted as I should have put " uglier" in quotes. I dont think aging naturally is ugly, but clearly didnt express it well.

Nope, you just have a toddler! I'm in my 30's and often feel I look old and tired... pretty sure it's the combination lack of sleep and trying to keep adventurous children with no sense of danger alive and well.

My mum looks similar in photos of when I was tiny. Now she looks bloody radiant because she's stress free, sleeps, relaxes and takes care of herself.

My number one tips are strength training and face yoga. My neck improved massively when I was lifting heavy weights, it was like solid muscle. We lose muscle mass every year at like 0.05% so by 30s its on the decline but strength training retains it. Plus the style makeover like others have suggested.

Its not ageing , it's becoming higher maintenance 😂, that's what I'm viewing it as.

I think we grow up surrounded by judgmental ideas about ageing, then we get older and the body changes....

It feels like a massive injustice but thats because we've been trying to keep up with an internalised beauty standard. Setting beauty goals is good but also set mental goals like using positive self talk.

Adapt everything for a better mind state e.g. daily routines, mindset, social media content/ideas you surround yourself with.

I've recently lost 5 stone and I've another 5 to go
Whenever I lost weight before I always felt so much better about myself
This time I've got a saggy neck ,and I keep seeing people on social media mentioning it as a bad thing and looking to get cosmetic surgery on it
And it's made me so self conscious and every time someone looks at me ,I think that they are looking at my neck .
But I didn't feel like this untill I saw so much in the media about women's knecks and aging
Sometimes I think we women are our own worse enemies
I've never felt attractive in my whole life
The thinnest I've ever been was a size 12/14 at college in the nineties and even then I was seen as a big girl ,and the fattest in my class ,it knocked my confidence with men ..
Yet I'd kill to be that size now .
My neck is going to get worse because I've more weight to loose , nothing I can do about it ..but I'm deliberately avoiding watching anything negative about necks

Op, some quick wins that might help: try some face yoga (use Google to find exercises) just 10 mins a day, this will increase muscle tone in your face, drink more water, take daily multivitamins. Massage your scalp with some oil before washing hair. Good luck, it is hard to find time for self care amongst the chaos!

take control- eat healthy, exercise, lose any extra pounds, get enough sleep, learn something new, order some new clothes/clear your wardrobe out, new jewellery, new hair cut? Nails, maybe visit the Boots counter to ask for make up tips. Do you spend time to pamper yourself? Bath, moisturising, doing nails. Always take make up off at night and moisturise your face, neck and top of chest. Get out and make some new friends with a hobby. Ive started taking collagen and a daily vitamin.

im sure you dont look as bad as you think op x

Bravo on pursuing your weight goals. A saggy neck never harmed anyone’s health!

I hope you find a balance that feels good for you. I do think there is truth in the fact we must “choose between bum and face” after a certain age . Lots of larger ladies have very youthful faces, so there’s always going to be swings and roundabouts.

To go against the grain and not suggest beauty treatments and/or surgery (wtf?) you might take a leaf out of this wonderful woman’s book and embrace the change in years and how ageing isn’t something to be feared. She’s older than you, she’s in the public eye - or very much used to be - and lives with and loves her evolution.

https://thekit.ca/beauty/celebrity-beauty/justine-bateman-face-age/

If you have a toddler that’s the reason. Little kids drain the life out of you. You’ve had a pregnancy, hormone fluctuations, lack of sleep - it really does age you. Plus you stop prioritising yourself - it’s just about getting through each day. Once you get a bit more time, and recover from having a baby then you’ll start to look and feel better. Do you have time to do any exercise? Even a little bit, a new class, or nice walks will help to feel better and more positive about yourself.

There is nothing uglier than a person who focuses on being ugly. Focus on your friends, family, neighbours, community, society. Commit the time you are spending on being ugly and do nice stuff for yourself and others. Only then will you be less ugly.

Having a toddler is exhausting - I felt like that in my early thirties with a toddler. Give it a couple of years of decent sleep and getting a bit more down time and it makes a HUGE difference. I look healthier in my late 30s than I did 5/6 years younger with a young child. I also listened to the Jimmy Carr Diary of a CEO episode which genuinely changed my outlook. He said that in ten years, we'd give almost anything to be as young, energetic and bright as we are now. If we can just capture that feeling earlier and appreciate the way we are now, there's real power in that.

Also...I found Retinol serum works wonders and is cheap and quick!

Yes totally ,I look so much older since I've lost weight
But I looked so much younger being fatter .. perhaps I just look my age now .
Anyway I would still rather have my neck than the extra weight

I've had a really, really hard two years and I honestly can't believe how much it has aged me.

Two years ago I look at least 5 years younger than I do now.

It's up to you how much intervention you what to do, but what has helped me is:

Botox to lift my brows and help with the line between them.

Tretinion to increase cell turnover, which has got rid of old acne marks, helped my pores and in general the overall condition of my face. Brands like Elemis are a nice luxury, but actives like Tretinion and the Peel Pads I mention next are what will make a visible difference. I go cheap on cleanser and moisteriser (Vanicream).

Dr Dennis Gross Intensive Peel Pads used twice a week make my skin glow like nothing I've ever used before. (These are pricey so I cut them in half so actually use one pad a week total).

Davines OI range has got my hair back to its best.

I purchased a few new clothing items that make me feel really great.

I've also gone keto. Something about this diet really works for me. My hair and nails are stronger and growing noticeably faster. I have more energy and I am losing weight without calorie counting.

But, I have also come to accept that whilst these things do help me feel good... There's nothing that will turn back time.

Our life experiences shape us both inside and out and sometimes we can't help how they impact our outward appearance.

But it's important to be kind to ourselves because I promise that in 10 years we will look back on ourselves now and think we are so young and beautiful.

Only make cosmetic changes if it will make you happy. I bet your toddler thinks you are the most beautiful mum in the world.

There's loads of things you can do before even considering plastic surgery to make yourself feel better. Start taking supplements, do face yoga, I have an app called faceyogi and 10 minutes a day for the last three months has made a massive difference. I don't believe skin care is the be all and end all but I use skin and me for a prescription cream and then use bog standard stuff for everything else. I don't understand why people jump straight to thinking they need surgery or Botox without trying some basic self care

I yhink it is the toddler effect. These little balsof cuteness are hard hard work, on top of a wrecked exagausted body that has looked after a baby.
It gets better when you go back to sleep a decent amount of hours.
Aging is difficult, but it is tiredness what makes us look half death, not age per se. With aging, you still have the energy and spark, only a few interesting wrinkles here and there.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable @Olddd I remember feeling the same when I had my first DC at 36- having children really accelerated the aging process for me and I had half a head of white hair by the time I’d finished BF only to then start again with another baby! I looked terrible for a few years afterwards but slowly got my groove back. A good nights sleep for a week worked wonders for me as did a good haircut and makeup. I also streamlined my wardrobe and bought things I felt good in and not just focusing on clothes that looked good or were on trend. I basically made peace with my new body.

@FeministUnderTheCatriarchythabks for that helpful post. Which tretinion do you use? Good tip re: cutting pads in half 👍

Poor op probably needed a nap after just reading all that … !

The amount of time and effort women are expected to put into making ourselves beautiful and worthy of love, ffs. I used to take 3 hours every morning just getting ready for work, while my partner would get up about half an hour before he was due in. It took me years to see the light. And then the trees, listen to birdsong, focus on the world around me rather than my freshly straightened hair.

The camera is a terrible liar. I now won't have any pictures taken of myself as I look so awful. However when looking in the mirror I don't look as bad (although as I'm old I hardly look like I did in my 20s, but still). I do think that a static photo which is 2 dimensional is a very poor representation of oneself and as others have said, your animated face really makes a huge difference. I wouldn't get overly hung up about it.

@Olddd tinted moisturiser instead of foundation .
A good moisturiser.
A facial does wonders too.
take vitamin d daily , I bet your hair will
be back good again.
Spend on a good shampoo and conditioner too.

If all else fails and you fancy a little
botox or something more then do what makes you happy and helps you feel good about yourself .

Oh OP this is a hard one.
Purely from an observational point of view, I have noticed a lot of women looking 'tired' after having a baby after the age of 35 but a lot more obvious in women from mid 40s.
I think it's a combination of hormones which and sheer tiredness for 2 years solid.
The good news is that you will bounce back but you need to look after yourself with proper rest, sleep, healthy diet.
I don't think your hair would go back to how it was but it comes a time in life when you need to start looking after it differently with hair masks, oils, a different hair brush, less heating tools. Also there are a lot of foods that actually improve hair quality but you need to consume them for the rest of your life.
Skin condition probably a lot todo with hormones so it will fluctuate but you can absolutely improve it with a consistent skincare regimen.
No idea what's going on with your teeth but are you absolutely sure you are seeing what is truly there? Only because you are clearly upset about your looks and you might be concentrating too much on certain things. I'd ask a dentist about this.
In fact, looks aside, maintaining and improving teeth and gums health is one of the most important thing people should do regardless of age or sex. But particularly for women.
39 is not old but it would be the time when looks can start changing. Combine with hormones and tiredness not the beat scenario.
Accept you are starting a new chapter and you need to adapt and put a different energy into looking after yourself.
You will bounce back!

I'm surprised no one has posted that godawful Roald Dahl quote that always gets trotted out on threads like this but YANBU, OP. The baby and toddler years can be brutal for lots of reasons, you lose yourself in different ways but not feeling you look like you anymore is one of the hardest parts IMO and you're allowed to feel down about it. My DS didn't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time for the first 4 years of his life and Christ on a bike, it aged me! Now he's a bit older (and sleeps!) I have more time and energy for me and have started to take pride in myself again.

I've thought about botox and fillers but honestly, my friends who have them don't actually look younger, they just look like they've had botox and fillers. Each to their own but it's not for me.

I've found that foundation ages me now so I've ditched it in favour of a good illuminating primer (I like the Estee Lauder one) followed by a tinted moisturiser (I like Bare Minerals Complexion Rescue but the Charlotte Tillbury one is also good) which gives a nice glow without looking cakey and doesn't settle into fine lines. Ditching powders for creams also helps with a more youthful look so cream/liquid blush not powder, creamy eyeshadow, tinted lip balm rather than matte lipstick etc. I also swear by Glossier Futuredew for giving a healthy glow, the texture puts some people off as it can look greasy on applying initially but my dry skin loves it, it makes my make up go on better and I get compliments on my skin since I started using it.

I prioritise getting my hair coloured every 5-6 weeks and my nails done every 4 weeks. It's frivolous, but it makes me feel good. Nice perfume (although obviously you can't see it!) also makes me feel good so I wear it every day.

I've also simplified my wardrobe, I know what colours suit me and I stick to these so most of my clothes 'go'. I also invested in a few subtle pieces of jewellery that are on trend but simple enough that they go with most outfits and make me feel more 'put together'.

We are our own harshest critics when it comes to looks, achievements and ourselves in general. Others tend to view us more positively.

As PPs have said, early years parenting can leave you feeling drained and a shadow of yourself pre-DC. It's important to recognise that this is a phase and there will be change ahead.

Look after yourself as well as others. If getting "tweakments" is something to look at then fine. Otherwise, hair, skin care and make up can be great mood boosters. Changing and updating your look may be the key.

We all age. I'm now early 50s and trying to accept the changes I see in the mirror. Some days it's ok, other days it really isn't. But I'm glad I'm healthy and alive with a working body and brain.

I look better than ever, but it’s hard work and it’s expensive.

I get Botox, use Tretinoin, get my nails done every 3 weeks, Elemis skincare, microblade my eyebrows, keep a size 8 figure, have, 6 weekly hair and all over body waxing appointments. I use Philip Kingsley and Pureology hair stuff and spent a ridiculous amount of money on a Dyson Airwrap.

When I was in my 20s I just got in and out of the shower and was just lovely. 🤷🏽‍♀️