Weird and offensive or I am overreacting?

[RememberThatGuy]

Quick sense check here please - my husband just left for work and as usual he sends me a nice message from the car. today’s message was a bit weird and I have taken offence at it but am I over reacting? I have attached a screenshot but the message boils down to “have a nice day, I have made your lunch, remember you have a husband”

I admit I am on the defensive because yesterday he left without saying bye, then when I questioned it he pretended nothing was wrong. Then eventually admitted that he was a bit moody and apologised.

For context I do not have amnesia or dementia, I have never cheated or not returned home from work or in anyway at all forgotten that I am married.

I have every sympathy, sounds like my ex. He was paranoid as I gained qualifications and promotions and got more and more clingy but also digs and eventually accusations.

One example was when I was studying for a professional qualification and got a fantastic result on a piece of work, I was so pleased as someone who left school at 15 with no qualifications and his putdown was "Did you have to sleep with him to get that?" I pointed out that it was a she not a he and he shrugged and said he didn't realise I was into women.

A few months later we had a massive row and he left me. I think he thought I'd beg him to come back but I didn't, then he said he was coming back and I said no, I was going to leave you when the kids left school but you've already put them through the upheaval so there's no going back. It was a good decision.

Good luck, think carefully about what you want.

You totally over reacted

I think all of this is weird.

No she didn't
If you check her subsequent posts her H is controlling and jealous in general

Everyone thought I was nuts, he was such a lovely man etc. It was dragging me down and that wasn't lovely.

I thought it was really weird and your follow up posts confirm it.

No she did not.

Her senses are heightened, because I'll guess, he has form for being a total nightmare. This I will almost certainly say,is part of a long standing pattern of communication style from him.

If I got that message from my partner I'd just send a jokey message in response, or at the very most 'What does that mean? 😂' and then get on with my day. I wouldn't get all pissy and start analysing it for hours at a time.

Honestly, you sound a bit exhausting.

I was going to say YANBU and reply "Who d'is??" 😂

On reading the messages though and with context it just seems like a clumsily worded attempt at a bit of humour, as he's packed you a lunch up to take with you.
Trouble with texting is that it's not always easy to convey tone and can be taken the wrong way.

texts from the car, messages all day long. Honestly I think I am at work paid to do a job and I would like to get on with it. If I suggest I am busy he gets offended.

Ugh, see this is a bit of a drip feed!
YANBU here, that would be annoying and controlling.
I'd be worried he was going to send a barber shops quartet to your workplace or bring a picnic.
Which is never ok, unless maybe you're a park ranger.

Tbf the OP’s posts since the initial one have totally changed the dynamic imo.

That's how I would take it too!

Exactly, there was a massive drip feed mid thread so it's not surprising people are reacting to the initial OP

He sounds controlling.
Making you lunch with foods you won't eat as on a diet.
Texting as soon as leaving the house.
And texting odd stuff like remember you have a husband?? I would be wtf about that.
Far to much for first thing in the morning.
Sounds like a dig about something or other.
Being off with you first thing in the morning because you had a coldsore and thought it meant no sex that night(this would put me off sex with him completely) .
It just sounds like such hard work especially as you sound 40 plus? So things should get easier in a relationship. Not feel like you are playing a game you don't know the rules too.

I voted you were unreasonable but I’m doubting that now since your further posts about him.

He makes you lunch (lovely) but then puts crisps and bars in that he knows you don’t want at the moment. I’d be wondering if that’s so you don’t need to go into the canteen with the men.

Also, sulking because he knew sex wasn’t on the cards? Very unattractive.

Texting you constantly throughout the day and getting arsey when you don’t relply straight away because you’re working? Hmmm.

Oh and why couldn’t he communicate to your face re your lunch is in your bag, instead of waiting until he was in the car?

I’m not so sure you were unreasonable now.

I read that an imagined you were both in your early 20's. I could never be bothered with these kinds of text exchanges with my OH. Better to ignore it and get on with your day and talk in person if his message bothered you.

Context and history are everything. You probably have a different type of dynamic. From some people, that message might be endearing. From another, it's anything but.

OP is writing a post on MN for a reason.

There will be a pattern of communication here that relies on passive aggression I suspect.

I can't believe people on this are saying your weird and even controlling. Other way round I think. He's reminding you that he's sooooo amazing by making your dinner. The dinner he makes so u don't sit in the canteen in case u might speak to another man. That's beyond controlling.

I don’t think you’re overreacting. I’m of a totally different opinion to the others and see your husband as quite needy, insecure and controlling. That’s from reading all your posts re getting sulky if sex denied, messaging you all day long, making your lunch (which could be argued as a nice gesture but I think possible ulterior motive to prevent you from eating in canteen with male colleagues). Probably also jealousy/insecurity from your career success and climbing the ladder.
I think that message was more on the passive aggressive side.

Is there a possibility you are being unfaithful, emotionally perhaps, OP?

I think if a woman had posted her DH had reacted like you did, people would be saying he's got a guilty conscience.

I think he was reminding you he does nice things for you and fishing for a compliment/thank you

Hmmmmm, its one of two things, on the basis of that text on its own you over reacted. However I get a vibe that your husband is controlling so if the text is part of a bigger issue then, no you are not x

OP I have been with you from the first post. It was a weird and accusatory message to send. Very passive aggressive and it would get my back up too.
Your follow up posts totally cement my first thoughts. He sounds controlling and jealous.
How would he react to a totally honest, cards on the table conversation about it?

My initial reaction was " you are a drama queen looking for an argument" however the more you post, the more red flags are screaming

dieting - making you lunch with crisps and chocolate
Teams - getting annoyed you are talking to male work colleagues
Texting all day when getting annoyed because you are busy in work

I bet there are loads of these small little thing what make up a big picture that you are being controlled and abused.

Get this book and read it in work - leave it in work
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Abusive and Controlling Men: Bancroft, Lundy: 9780399148446: Amazon.com: Books

Hmm… I didn’t like his “Wow, calm down” response. Has any woman ever calmed down in response to being told to by a man?? 😃

I wonder if he’s just wanting more validation for making your lunch. But if you’d rather eat in the canteen then he’d be better spending his time elsewhere. Does he work hard in his career and around the house?

Aside from it being bizarre to message someone you live with from the car when you’ve just left for work, I think you sound very difficult and have over reacted hugely.