Weird and offensive or I am overreacting?

[RememberThatGuy]

Quick sense check here please - my husband just left for work and as usual he sends me a nice message from the car. today’s message was a bit weird and I have taken offence at it but am I over reacting? I have attached a screenshot but the message boils down to “have a nice day, I have made your lunch, remember you have a husband”

I admit I am on the defensive because yesterday he left without saying bye, then when I questioned it he pretended nothing was wrong. Then eventually admitted that he was a bit moody and apologised.

For context I do not have amnesia or dementia, I have never cheated or not returned home from work or in anyway at all forgotten that I am married.

I’m not ND but my ex would say similar stuff. I did not take it well. I would have reacted like you.

How would he react if you said you want to socialise at lunchtime with your colleagues?

So this sounds true, an example;

Last month a man in the gym smiled and said hello to me, I can only assume mistaken identity because he was very enthusiastic as if I knew him. He was a much older guy, someone maybe the age of my dad.

DH asked who he was, I replied honestly that I have no idea. He said I must have spoken to him before. This is not the first time he has been annoyed at me in the gym so knowing how it has panned out before I just left and walked the hour and a half home.

So that may be an over reaction, but the last time a man spoke to me in the gym we argued about it for ten days, so my reaction was tied into that, even though it was nothing to do with that.

So yes once again - I over reacted, he only asked me who it was, of course he doesn't think I am having an affair with that man. He was just asking because I am terrible with faces so I must have forgotten I had spoken to him.

EDIT: missed a bunch of updates from OP as I had the post open for a while so my post isn't relevant.

I have ADHD. My husband is likely autistic.

Neither of us would behave like this.

I think he sounds massively controlling and I’m surprised more posters couldn’t see past the “my DH makes me lunch everyday” part. Idk why you would be querying him about leaving without saying goodbye or tripping over yourself with apologies: you’re just playing into his game. I think you’re also playing into it with the goady “remember you have a husband” thing. Start ignoring things like that: he probably can’t stand being ignored. He sounds massively needy and I think you should seek professional help with establishing your boundaries. You know it isn’t right but you’re letting him and others here (who don’t know the full story) tell you you are the problem. Be clear that you won’t be taking the lunch anymore and then stop taking the lunch. That’s your first step but there’s clearly a lot more going on here and you may need help to deal with it. Good luck!

Maybe you could watch Sleeping With The Enemy this weekend and then talk about how you both found it.

He’s possessive and controlling. The things he does is not out of a pure love it’s to keep you controlled. I’d be thinking of bailing out.

He doesn’t see his role as your husband, it’s as your keeper.

If you click on the picture you will see that you have misread the conversation and he did indeed say "don't forget you have a husband" which he changed to "don't forget you have a husband who loves you" when I questioned him about it.

Also I have apologised to him when lots of people told me I was in the wrong. I also thanked him for the lunch which I do every day.

You both sound completely pissed off. It appears he is either walking on egg shells around you and your explosive temper or he is an incredibly devious narc who's been chipping away at you and provoking you in a sly way so he can say 'whoa look at your reaction. You're crazy!' Only you know which it is. Maybe it's neither and you're both petty.

Also, probably best not to have arguments over text. A lot gets lost in translation.

I am going to stop taking lunch, it seems such a small thing but it feels like a turning point.

On Sunday I am going to say, I don't need lunch tomorrow thanks, I am going to grab a tuna salad from the canteen.

He will complain because he hates tuna and raw onion and he won't kiss me for about two days. I might add pickles and make it three days!

It is not a flaw in you that you are ND/ADHD.

It doesn’t make your responses to him incorrect or mean you are misinterpreting him.

The problem is with him—he is pretending to be unaware of your desires/temperament/style and he imposes his own preferences on you.

He prefers sex on tap. You may choose not to have sex. He sulks.

He is jealous and controlling and tries to interfere with your work relationships in your male dominated field. When you push back he sulks or complains.

He packs you an inappropriate lunch despite your stating your preference for the canteen meals. This is domineering behavior meant to isolate you.

When you call him on his controlling behavior he pretends innocence, ignorance, and then hurt feelings.

These are all tools of control. He us gaslighting you by pretending not to know what he is doing.

Please have confidence in yourself! Trust thst you have the right to decide for yourself what you eat, who you talk to, and when you have sex without pressure or manipulation by your spouse.

I think which of your scenarios is true would depend on which of us you ask. So how on earth would we ever know the truth of the matter.

Ok read a few more of your posts. This is not a decent man at all.

He's even managed to somehow get you apologising for people smiling at you, and you're so downtrodden you've listened to posters on here who are quite simply wrong and ended up apologising to him for his pathetic PA dramatics.

Be careful op. This will escalate.

OP, sadly ND women are far more likely to be abused in a relationship and tolerate really awful behaviour, doubt themselves and accept being dismissed as "over reacting" and "sensitive".

He knows EXACTLY what he is doing.

I strongly suggest you write a long list of all these behaviours and find yourself a therapist to figure this out.

Two books that are highly recommended are

"Women who love too much". Norwood
"Why does he do that" Bancroft.

This is a really toxic relationship.
Thank god no children.

Remember he knows EXACTLY what he is doing.

You doubt yourself because you are ND.
He uses that against you.

This is very common.

I actually have the Lundy Bancroft book. I bought it after a horrible relationship that I needed a restraining order to extract myself from. I will have to reread it.

I have a ND daughter and what you have written is my nightmare for her.

That she would end up with an abusive prick like you have, who would make her doubt herself.

The fact that this has blown up the way it has is not a good sign. Whatever's going on, it's not about some txts.

Why would she even tell him? My DP doesn't need to know what I did for lunch on a work day. OK, maybe some days it's interesting enough to mention to him. But I have no worries how he would "react", and if he did "react" I'd just laugh at him. My ex who did used to react to stuff like that I basically ignored until I left him.

In the OPs situation I'd say "stop making me lunch, I prefer to eat in the canteen", then if he did, I'd take it out of my bag and leave it on the counter.

She'd undoubtedly get a sulk from him, maybe for days, but that's just who he is. My ex would make inedible food "for me" because I had a long day, it would be so bad I'd cry. I said to him stop making me food, I don't like it, I'll just heat up soup. When he carried on I ignored the food he'd made and just heated up soup, as I had told him I would. (And I got "you're so ungrateful, I'm never cooking for you again" and I'd be like "great, that's what I've asked" but he'd still do it - he once made a mash up of ragu, but with chicken pieces instead of mince, mixed with fajita sauce from a jar, and tried to serve it to me with pasta. Technically edible I suppose).

My God he’s pulling your strings. Flick his fingers sex, confining you to solo eating, no lunchtime chat with male colleagues, a male at the gym can’t smile at you without you being interrogated. His silly games with semantics in text messages and feigned innocence.
And you apologise to him? Thank him for his “caring control”? He’s jealous, insecure and sucking any happiness out of your life.

Noooo.

So yes once again - I over reacted, he only asked me who it was, of course he doesn't think I am having an affair with that man. He was just asking because I am terrible with faces so I must have forgotten I had spoken to him.

-is this him speaking? So yeah, he’s trying to justify his out of order, suspicious behaviour. Only asked who it was - but HOW did he ask? Idle curiosity or was there accusation in his time and he was visibly angry? You are TERRIBLE with faces so MUST have forgotten - why just you have forgotten? Is it absolutely beyond the realms of possibility you any be telling the truth? So he’s calling you a liar.

Tone is everything.

He's gaslighting you.

Also - does he insist on going to the gym with you or does he allow you to ever go in your own? Let me guess, he wants to protect you from all the other rapey old men who will inevitably prey on you?

The fact that you’re hoping he won’t try to kiss you for a few days if you eat a tuna sandwich is very telling, OP. Something instinctive inside you is uncomfortable with him and doesn’t want him near you. Listen to it.

My DP says this or variations of regularly when I am stressed. He means, remember I am here and love you and you can lean on me. I think you jumped to grumpy very fast!

He does let me go to the gym by myself but only because he is in work otherwise we go together.

We have had many, many arguments about what I can and can’t wear to the gym. I always argue back that I am a grown woman and can dress myself but somehow despite that assertion, I do indeed tend to follow his rules.

How does that even happen! If I am going to do it anyway why not just do it without argument.

Read all the OP’s posts. Your approach is inappropriate to her situation. OP is in an actively abusive situation.