Weird and offensive or I am overreacting?

[RememberThatGuy]

Quick sense check here please - my husband just left for work and as usual he sends me a nice message from the car. today’s message was a bit weird and I have taken offence at it but am I over reacting? I have attached a screenshot but the message boils down to “have a nice day, I have made your lunch, remember you have a husband”

I admit I am on the defensive because yesterday he left without saying bye, then when I questioned it he pretended nothing was wrong. Then eventually admitted that he was a bit moody and apologised.

For context I do not have amnesia or dementia, I have never cheated or not returned home from work or in anyway at all forgotten that I am married.

'I don’t take more than he gives, he insists on making me lunch every day '

What a b'stard!

I thought the message was weird and needy from the off but the responses from people who continue to just read the first post and jump in with "poor sod, he sounds lovely, you're a moany bitch" are demonstrating in real time how controlling bastards get away with this kind of thing and how easy it is to dismiss someone (aka women) for being oversensitive and unappreciative from one tiny interaction.

It doesn’t say lunch bag, it says X bag which is a type of bag I have never seen anyone else with and I don’t want to be identified.

A bag can out people now?

Anyway I'd be more concerned about his jealousy and the fact he left without speaking to you because he thought you wouldn't want sex later.

About the lunch, is he packing you food that he thinks may make you put on weight so that other men won't fancy you?

I would have read this as his saying to remember he is there for you, expecially with all the x's. It doesn't sound like a dig to me at all. You will know him best, but as you say, there is nothing in your behaviour to suggest you need reminding that you're married so I doubt it was a dig.

The thread is confirming that although I see his message in context of his other behaviours, he also is not wrong to suggest I am over reacting to that specific message.

So when he looks at it as just that message and says I am over reacting he may be right.

But because it is just another thing to add to the list of accusations and hoop jumping etc to me the text has more significance.I try to explain this all the time but he will only ever look at things in isolation and not the bigger picture of how all these little things pile up.

Also his bad behaviour is NOT her responsibility.

This is the exact point I was making earlier.

My husband makes me lunch that I don't want because he doesn't want me to socialise at lunch time because the field I work in is male dominated.

However if I complain about that I am the bad guy because of course making someone lunch is a nice thing to do so I am unreasonable!

You are not over-reacting. Even out of context, without the many other red flags, that message was "off"

He IS wrong and he is refusing to see the pattern of his behaviour because, well, that suits him just fine and he can carry on being a controlling a**ehole.

Why do you think he is so PA agd under hand in his approach?
Because it allows him to do exactly that. To dismiss you and any issue you have with his behaviour.
To ensure he is still looking like the good guy.
But at the same time, he doesn’t have to take responsibility for his behaviour and make it all your fault fur reacting.

You're not going to get anywhere if you carry on thinking he has a point,

Yeah, he can fuck off with that. Go have lunch with your colleagues. Controlling bs from him because he's insecure. Not your problem. He doesn't own you.

This bag directly relates to my nickname so it could well out me. It is a bag I am known to carry and I have never seen anyone else with one.

He doesn't want me to be fat, he just likes to give me food because he feels like it is looking after. I generally carry it back and forth each day and just eat the bit that I want.

The bars are protein bars or oat bars and they tend to be protein or low calories crisps, I just would never eat the volume of food that he eats. I am 5ft 2 and less than 9 st, I need far fewer calories than a man who lifts weights.

Years of therapy has been required to help me see how my life has involved coercion, gaslighting and much worse since childhood.

So now, I personally refuse to ever suggest anyone actually is, or even use the word 'over sensitive'. I have removed it from my vocabulary. Also, ' over reacting' is a term that I don't think I ever use or will again.

This language is always used to minimise. I no longer believe there's such a thing as being over sensitive. There's almost always a back story, a reason. It is nearly always a logical response.

OP is starting to unpick it all. The fact OP felt she must apologise explains exactly how insidious this stuff is. I used to regularly apologise to coercive, emotionally abusive people.

This isn't ok.

Yes! The idea of texting messages on your way to work seems weird to me.

Having read the whole thread I think I agree with those who see flapping flags of horror.

I think the OP and her current partner are not well matched temperamentally and he seeks to be very enmeshed with her, to a point that is controlling, while she passively resists (taking the lunch but not eating it) and occasionally erupts with irritation when he persistently violates her boundaries.

This could just be an ND/NT relationship with the OP being the ND person. Or it could be a relationship with a covert narcissist who comes on loving and focused of his partner and “taking care” of her but who really is simply satisfying a raging narcissistic need for control and admiration from his partner.

Whatever: this dh gives me the creeps. You ought to be able to refuse the packed lunch—the dark side of “help” is control

Btw, I’m not sure why you are still accepting this behaviour.

You need to tell him you are NOT going to take a packed lunch. Because you’re trying to loose weight and whatever there is in there doesn’t work for you. Tell him. Don’t take the lunch with you. Doing something for someone is only nice if the person wants it. You don’t.

Go and have lunch with whoever you want.

Just answer with ??? To the messages like the one from this am. That’s it. No fuss. Just as PA as his remark. He’ll get it.

Dint answer his messages during the day. Tell him ‘I’m at work. I got remarks already on how often I’m checking my messages. I’m going to put my phone on ‘do not disturb’ during work hours and check only at lunch.’. If there is an emergency, I’m sure he’ll still be able to ring your work landline.

You need to put boundaries up again.
He won’t like it. But, in itself, will tell you a lot about him and how he sees you.

Absolutely. The wording and tone definitely struck me as off, and I've been really surprised by many of these responses.

This is exactly how his tone struck me from the very beginning. Very oiff.

You are spot on. My ex used the ‘it’s a jokkkkke’ so much it has actually become a trope in my house now, even year’s after we split. Our grown up kids say it (ironically) whenever someone is being an arsehole.

⬆️⬆️ THIS
With bells on.

He's extremely manipulative op and now the comment about remembering you have a husband makes more sense. He's telling you to remember that he controls you.

His comment is actually sinister now and can almost be taken as a threat.

See how subtle it was though, most pp on this thread who haven't dealt with a narcissist thought he was being loving and you were the one being ungrateful.

Then he dialed it down and acted all innocent, so obviously you must be the one who needs to calm down 🙃 This is classic narcissistic behaviour.

Trust your instincts op.

" he will only ever look at things in isolation and not the bigger picture of how all these little things pile up."
He knows what he's doing and he's intentionally acting as if he only sees each thing in isolation.
Again, he goads you then gaslights you when you react.

I am ND, I have ADHD do you think that could be making the difference here? I am not sure how that would contribute to this (not being argumentative here, just genuinely asking your opinion)

Only read a few of your posts op but they were enough. He sounds like a bit of a suffocating prick tbh and that would fuck me off royally. Yanbu at all.

agree
everyone is jumping on OP to tell her how mean she's being, but when you take the info in context

• he stomped out yesterday without saying goodbye at all because he thought he was being refused sex
• makes her food she doesn't want, including lots of unhealthy snacks despite knowing she's trying to diet, and guilt trips her to eat it
• messages her all day when she's trying to work, starting literally the moment he leaves the house

... turns what could be a sweet jokey message into a possibly passive aggressive/controlling one
(e.g. don't for a second forget you have a husband, you should be thinking of me and how lucky you are to have such a nice husband who does everything for you every second of the day)

as @Pleaseshutthefuckup has explained, this is why so many women stay so long with abusive husbands and when they split up everyone looks shocked and says "but he seemed so lovely". Often women try to outline tiny niggles of things that don't feel right - and then if they are told they are being ridiculous they won't tell people about the bigger things.

Please, if a friend in real life tries to talk about things like this, even if you think she's over-exaggerating or just having a moan, don't shut her down with things like people have said on this thread.

I am amazed that people (women?) can’t see the red flags in ‘remember you have a husband’. That would have wound me up if I got that message, it would not have made me feel fluffy and warm.

You are not the problem. Being nd night account for not noticing the red flags sooner but don't blame yourself for "not understanding him" or "getting it wrong".

Reread the posts where pp are saying you are not wrong, his message was off.