To think why are there so many unattractive, dysfunctional men ?

[ursulone]

Firstly I am not perfect and certainly don't expect anyone else to be. I am well aware there are women who fall into all the categories I am about to mention. I am in middle age and happily single (divorced). When I did briefly date, I met a variety of men, most of whom certainly had issues. I recently attended a housewarming party in a city around 2 hours from where I live. Women were all personable, made a big effort with appearance, sociable, variety of interests, Most of the men, certainly the straight seeming ones, were badly dressed, no effort, bad skin, some BO/bad breath, talked only about themselves, didn't seem interested in anything much. One or two seemed to have quite challenging financial circumstances, not sure why. Thing is, if being a single man is quite as bleak an experience as one male friend said it was (mainly according to him, as men are too competitive with one another to be as supportive friends as women are to each other, and men in relationships don't hand around with single men) why don't they make an effort? Obviously its not like it is compulsory to be be the best version of yourself but some of there guys come across like they've just given up.

I think there’s just more focus on beauty for women and more options in terms of appearance improvement. If a woman’s hair is thinning, there are loads of products, extensions etc - none of these are really marketed at men. Ditto fake tan (which covers all manner of sins tbh), make up, Botox, fillers, lips, nails, general volume and affordability of clothes, beauty salons… you can also do a lot of this at home and quite cheaply, I tint my brows and do my fake tan etc at home after a bath while pottering around. The only male equivalent is to hit the gym and this costs quite a lot of money and takes more time and commitment outside of the house, you have to go at least twice a week and you can’t fit it in in 20 minutes after a shower at 10pm.

Men have never really focussed on their appearance as much, when they were young and slim they could get away with it but they seem oblivious to that slipping away.

There's a difference between going out smart or going out looking like a tramp. We wouldn't "dress up" for a kids party or other kind of attraction, but we'd certainly be "smart", dressed in smart casual clothes. OH only "dresses down" to do DIY, wash the car, or the gardening - he'd never actually leave the house to do anything at all unless he was in smart casual attire, washed/shaved, etc.

@Dotjones nailed it. I'm a single bloke in my 50s and while I will happily dress up if the occasion demands, the rest of the time I'll dress for comfort rather than make a conscious effort to appear attractive to others. "Take me as I am or leave me alone, I'm happy with my life either way." is absolutely my attitude.

I'm just coming up to 50 and was widowed 15 years ago.

Now DC are at university and I'm home alone, I've started to think about dating.

I haven't done any OLD or anything like that, but I've met available men who have shown an interest. Without exception, they are:

• Boring and monotonous, but presume I'll find them infinitely interesting. Lecturing. They love* to mansplain my job and give their 'insight' of my industry to me, despite knowing absolutely nothing about it.
• Tell me the value of my house and probably my pension!
• Just generally patronise me constantly.
• Bad hygiene.
• Bad diet.
• Highly focused on sex (1970s innuendos before barely knowing me - don't take my number from s group chat and message asking if I want to go to a farmers' market with aubergine and laughter emojis, it isn't sexy).

I really could go on, but it's miserable.

This. And if you don't like short men then don't bother

@Kindersurprising

Men have never really focussed on their appearance as much

Depends on the man.

My father was in the RAF and his image/appearance was everything to him. A couple of decades in the RAF meant he looked after himself, and even once he'd left, he still wore shiny shoes, tailored trousers, shirt and tie as his normal daily attire, even just to go shopping. He continued doing it through retirement and right up to serious illness - it was only on his worse days when he'd just be wearing jogging pants and a pullover around the house, but he hated it and would be back to shirt and tie on his better days.

OH was a little bit on the "scruffy" side when we first met, but he'd still wear clean clothes etc. He was "scruffy" more from not knowing what suited him, i.e. he had a side-parting hair cut which didn't suit him, wore badly fitted clothes etc (because he didn't know what he looked good in in terms of colours, styles, etc!). I soon had him whipped into shape! Now he knows his "look" and will happily buy his own clothes, choose what to wear and when, etc., puts worn/dirty clothes into the washing machine, etc. He showers every day, shaves every day, etc.

I've trained him well!

I blame menopause....(I find this answers most of my questions after a certain age!!LOL).
Middle aged women get this nasty slap in the face around their 40s where we are noticeably ageing and falling apart. I think this is why alot of us start taking our health and appearance more seriously (maybe even changing our expectations from what we want out of life).
Men however get more of a slow slide into oblivion and so are probably less likely to notice their health or standards slipping.

I really think midlife crisis are more of a female thing then a male. Its just instead of buying a sports car we take up running and pilates!😄

This used to be the norm.

That’s the military effect though, all ex military I know take pride in their appearance. DH is a lawyer and takes huge pride in his appearance, nice neutral colour pallette, good quality/fitting clothes and shoes. My dad is the opposite - he was ok until he split with my mum, then threw himself into gym/clothes/haircuts. But once he married my stepmum he totally gave up, is overweight, terrible BO, badly fitting too small t shirts etc

There has been a remarkable decline in men wearing nice clothes over the past few decades - even the married ones. I wonder if this contributes - to even slightly "make an effort" makes them feel self-conscious about standing out.

In my observation, no matter how low and useless a man, there is always some woman who will service them, provide sex, entangle finances, bear children. It’s pathetic and appalling how abysmal some people’s standards are.

Yes I have notice this too!!! It's like, what happened to these men to become so smelly, dirty looking, while wearing horrible creased clothes. Do they hate themselves or did they just give up on life?!!!

Often because exes have broken them to keep them - many friends of mine had this in their early 20's by men who wanted to make sure they wouldn't leave. Many women see a step up from that as a vast improvement because they've had so much worse.

@Pussycat22 sounds like you have first hand experience here!

The misandry on here is shocking. Imagine if this was a thread with a bunch of men discussing how disgusting all the single women were in their age group.

I think there is a large degree of truth in your comments. A while back my DS mentioned the "popular kids" at school and I asked him what makes them "popular ". For popularity of boys by boys he said it was being good at a sport and good academically. For popularity of girls by girls he said it was more about physical appearance, being skinny and pretty etc.

I have always encouraged my DD (without much success!) to be the one asking the boy out rather than waiting as some type of wall flower to be asked out. That way she would get the boy she wanted to date rather than the boy that offered to date her.

It could well be because they’re so used to have someone taking care of them that they’ve never learnt.
It could also come from a sense of entitlement. Not so long ago, it was enough fur them to be earning. Women didn’t expect much more.

I think the gap between men and women expectations of a partner is widening. This is true about how they present. But also about emotional maturity and social graces. See the inability to talk about anything else but themselves, let alone actually be interested in the woman in front of them.
There is a reason why men tend to have smaller social circles than women, often organised by their dwife. It was ‘hidden’ when marriage/partnership rates were higher. But as women get more and more independent and more ‘choosy’ it shows up more and more.

Im not sure what the answer is btw. Because I look at my two young adult dcs, both men, and their social abilities are still not on par with women. And there is a clear feeling that ‘it’s because women aren’t kind/accommodating/set us to fail’ (thanks to SM, Andrew Tate and the likes)

I think by the time you’re middle aged you are responsible for yourself.

They do. A lot!

See the whole ‘they’ll just end up as an old car lady and will regret their choices by the time they hit their 40s’ -
Those comments are all over social media. You really dint have to look far. And they have no issue saying that to women themselves (usually with a few insults thrown in) which you dint have on this thread.

@BlueTitShark "See the inability to talk about anything else but themselves, let alone actually be interested in the woman in front of them."

Believe me, that is by far not only a male trait.

@HowardTJMoon That's what I think too, but I suspect it's a fairly common thing for people aged 50+ of both sexes, especially those who have no desire for a mate.

There do however seem to be a much wider group of non functioning males than females, which probably is to do with societal pressure, expectations and stereotypical roles.

Mumsnet is full of women who for whatever reason, are unhappy with the way they look.

You'll often see them tearing themselves to shreds over the way they look, their hair and their clothes.

It's so sad to see, so it's quite refreshing that these men dress to please themselves, even if they're not up to your standards 🤷‍♂️

Oh gosh this! 😑 So my ex was early 50s when I met. Really handsome - think old Sean Bean xd with old David Beckham 😅 only had eyes for me. Good dress sense and stable job, own home…but zero emotional connection and being out with him just felt like being with the shell of a person and I felt like he was only with me as an acceptable looking person up to his standards as it were to go do stuff with and have sex every night we met up. But he never really was interested in me or in having a conversation about the news or anything really. Had no interests or other friends. I knew so so much about him but he never asked about me and if I did tell him little bits here and there he’d just look at me blankly until I’d finished! Anyway, I ended it as he really seemed uninterested in everything except controlling me to the point I’d get the silent treatment if I had to go away for work and last straw was him spying on me. But it was with a heavy heart as I don’t do OLD and as your experience states most post 50 men do not look like my ex.

Wow, theres some really nasty posts on here.

That depends on how you define "non-functioning". Is not bothering to dress to match someone else's opinion of how they should be dressed a dysfunctional trait or an indicator of someone who does not let other people's opinions affect their own personal happiness?

Is a woman who's obsessed with her appearance and can't imagine leaving the house without a full face of makeup, more or less non-functioning than a man who's happy wearing t-shirts and jeans?