Page 9 | Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

WearyAuldWumman · 24/04/2025 15:35

springisspringing1 · 24/04/2025 14:09

Ha - thanks for cutting to the chase!

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Agreed.

A relative of mine through marriage was friends with a paedophile. Only he wasn't...according to the relative. He'd "interfered with children" but he was young at the time... and maybe drunk...and he'd been in prison...and he was a nice bloke...

I found myself in his company at another relative's house. To my horror he showed me a picture of his "daughters" - pupils of mine. (They were his partner's children.)

I reported him to Child Protection at my school and told my relative that they had a choice between my company or the paedophile's company. (The paedophile had been brought to the house by the relative through marriage.)

40 years later, the paedophile died in prison. In his 60s, he was convicted of historical offences - all of them had taken place after he'd been '"rehabilitated". Two of his victims just knew him as a "nice neighbour".

Would I allow the offender in the OP to drop off a child at my child's party? Would I hell. That's just normalising the offender as someone's dad.

If the child can't come to the party unless the offender drops them off, then that's a shame. It would be an even bigger shame if another child were hurt because the children at the party mistakenly thought that he was just another dad.

Integrate him into the community? Fuck that.

I've seen the damage that "being nice" does.

Curioushoney · 24/04/2025 15:35

neverbeenskiing · 24/04/2025 15:31

Some men who are convicted of CSA do retreat into isolation but you'd be amazed at the absolute brass neck of some of them. I've dealt with one who made a formal complaint that he wasn't allowed to join the PTA at his childs school.

Re living with or spending time unsupervised with his own child, as I've said elsewhere on the thread unless there is evidence that he is a risk to his own child there would be no legal justification for preventing contact. Not all paedophiles are interested in abusing their own children, they may be the 'wrong' age/gender for example. Not saying I agree with it, just explaining that it does happen and Children's Services usually back out very quickly once they've established that there is no evidence that the persons own child is at risk of abuse.

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A formal complaint to what body?

MoveYourSelfDearie · 24/04/2025 15:35

NC28 · 24/04/2025 15:22

Just don’t leave him alone with the knives. It’s your moral responsibility to include him, he’s done his time. Maybe it wasn’t him who stabbed those kids - maybe he was set up.

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You're being ironic aren't you? You don't actually believe what you've written here

Catsandcannedbeans · 24/04/2025 15:36

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for not wanting a convicted pedophile on your property. “Could you accompany X to the party as I am aware their dad is on the sex offenders register”.

Whynotaxthisyear · 24/04/2025 15:36

Could you have a quiet word with the mum saying that she and her dd are welcome to spend time with your dd but not the dad? And ask her to ensure this happens? She must understand that other parents would be alarmed.

Valkyrie3 · 24/04/2025 15:36

No way, OP. Your reservations are valid. You’ve had lots of good advice on this thread and currently 93% saying YANBU. Ignore the idiots (paedophiles posing as women for all we know) and go with your gut.

MakeYourOwnMusicStartYourOwnDance · 24/04/2025 15:37

We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community

I wouldn't want him anywhere near mine, either.
It's not my job to "reintegrate him" by gaining access to my kids.
No chance. Not worth the risk.

NC28 · 24/04/2025 15:37

MoveYourSelfDearie · 24/04/2025 15:35

You're being ironic aren't you? You don't actually believe what you've written here

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Of course! lol.

I’d let anyone convicted of any CSA-type crime swing by their neck in public.

WitcheryDivine · 24/04/2025 15:37

SipandClean · 24/04/2025 15:27

All these people making excuses for a pedophile and offering him a second chance, I wonder if you would be so sympathetic if it involved your child.

You know what, it actually helps me understand how so many people are actually incredibly soft on sex offenders. It’s terrifying.

The amount of posters early on essentially saying that it’s unfair on his kid not
to allow Paedodad at a party - wow.

TheLilacStork · 24/04/2025 15:37

As a children’s nurse I’ve frequently been gobsmacked by the amount of parents on the sex offender’s register. At one point there were 3 fathers on the 50 bedded ward I was working on. I kept reminding other parents to to supervise their children at all times and I think they thought I was just being bossy as obviously they had no idea. It made me think that’s 3 that we know about. You know about this man so you will be extra careful but you just have to be careful of everyone as normal. Better the devil you know. Sorry if that’s negative but that really made me think how prolific it is

Curioushoney · 24/04/2025 15:38

Whynotaxthisyear · 24/04/2025 15:36

Could you have a quiet word with the mum saying that she and her dd are welcome to spend time with your dd but not the dad? And ask her to ensure this happens? She must understand that other parents would be alarmed.

I wouldn’t want to be near the mother either tbh

someone like this displays a truly appalling judgement of character

Unrelated38 · 24/04/2025 15:38

Nah I'd be quite open about it. Treat the kid as normal but say "due to your DCs dad being a convicted paedophile he isn't welcome at my DCs party even simply to drop off. Please do drop off yourself or arrange a suitable alternative. Thanks, looking forward to seeing DC."

"Hi Mother, thanks for the invite to your DCs party. Could I just ask if dad will be present at the party?"
"Yes."
"Ok unfortunately we won't be able to attend due to not feeling comfortable having my children around him as he's a convicted paedophile. Hope DC has a great time though."

Curioushoney · 24/04/2025 15:39

TheLilacStork · 24/04/2025 15:37

As a children’s nurse I’ve frequently been gobsmacked by the amount of parents on the sex offender’s register. At one point there were 3 fathers on the 50 bedded ward I was working on. I kept reminding other parents to to supervise their children at all times and I think they thought I was just being bossy as obviously they had no idea. It made me think that’s 3 that we know about. You know about this man so you will be extra careful but you just have to be careful of everyone as normal. Better the devil you know. Sorry if that’s negative but that really made me think how prolific it is

Out of interest, how were you made aware?

Deebee90 · 24/04/2025 15:39

I’d invite the child but make it strictly known that it has to be the mum that brings the child if not the child won’t be allowed in. I’m surprised socials aren’t involved with that family . Knocks me sick

NorthXNorthWest · 24/04/2025 15:40

springisspringing1 · 24/04/2025 14:06

That's your opinion. I think it's perfectly possible to start the grooming process in conversations under everyone's nose. I don't want this person seeming like "friendly Uncle X" - and it's not clear how I would police that without explaining the situation to my child, who frankly is not able to understand at this point.

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Just say that the father is not allowed to bring the child and nor be present at birthday parties or other gatherings with your child present, if the other mother and the father agrees to this and also allows you to stay and observe, there us no reason to punish the child.

You don't have to cause emotional harm to a child who is innocent in this to protect your daughter.

WearyAuldWumman · 24/04/2025 15:40

springisspringing1 · 24/04/2025 14:06

That's your opinion. I think it's perfectly possible to start the grooming process in conversations under everyone's nose. I don't want this person seeming like "friendly Uncle X" - and it's not clear how I would police that without explaining the situation to my child, who frankly is not able to understand at this point.

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That's what happened in the case that I mentioned above. The victim who was brave enough to come forward when the perpetrator was in his 60s was an adolescent neighbour when she was attacked. She'd been sent to pick up something that he was loaning her parent.

He raped her.

After he was imprisoned, other victims came forward. No names were mentioned in the newspapers, of course, but those who came forward last were clearly people who had lived in his household. A baby was listed as a victim.

Keep your boundaries, OP.

Secretsquirels · 24/04/2025 15:40

I totally get your concern here.

The risk isn’t solely at your house, at the party. The risk is in your child spending time with this man and believing him to be safe because he has spent time around him with his family. So that if in 2 years he is at a party unsupervised, in 4 years in the park by himself, in 5 years walking home from school at home. The risk is that he assesses this man as a safe adult and get into his car.

I would message the mum and just be really honest, I think that she’ll appreciate you being open much more than you trying to work round it.

Its Fred’s party in a few weeks and he really wants to invite George so he’s bringing an invitation into school for him on Tuesday. They’re at that difficult age now where it’s hard to know whether we should do parents stay or drop and run so I wanted to let you know that I’m happy either way. I know this is super awkward but please could you ask Dad not to attend? Thanks

WaryHiker · 24/04/2025 15:40

Curioushoney · 24/04/2025 15:34

Isn’t this thread incredibly outing op?

it’s common knowledge a parent in this community’s midst is a convicted criminal of sexual abuse….

Edited

Wouldn't it be lovely if this sort of situation were so uncommon that there would be the smallest risk of its being outing?

NC28 · 24/04/2025 15:42

Quiet words, polite notes, careful whispers…maybe I’m some sort of psycho mother but neither of them would be getting that from me.

WitcheryDivine · 24/04/2025 15:42

Curioushoney · 24/04/2025 15:34

Isn’t this thread incredibly outing op?

it’s common knowledge a parent in this community’s midst is a convicted criminal of sexual abuse….

Edited

If only it was outing, there are tens of thousands of convictions a year for these crimes. It’s incredibly common.

Unpaidviewer · 24/04/2025 15:42

Trytryandtryagain11 · 24/04/2025 15:26

I'm actually shocked by some of these responses - a sex offender would not be going anywhere near my son, and personally I would also limit interaction with a mother who has chosen a sex offender over the safety of her child. If necessary I would have a conversation with her and explain so she can limit the effect on her child, I suppose she could make it clear that the father won't come to a party etc - It's nuts to me that anyone would think a pedophile would be reintegrated around children.

This. I would be keeping a distance from the whole family. I feel sorry for her child but child on child abuse would also be a concern.

Curioushoney · 24/04/2025 15:43

WaryHiker · 24/04/2025 15:40

Wouldn't it be lovely if this sort of situation were so uncommon that there would be the smallest risk of its being outing?

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you are saying it’s not uncommon for a community to be aware a parent is on the sexual offenders registry for grooming and there’s a 4th party coming up etc etc

I meant that doesn’t seem like it would be commonplace

Imbusytodaysorry · 24/04/2025 15:43

@springisspringing1 you are not over reacting . I can’t believe the crazy comments telling you that you are. .
Honest truth what I would do … Tell the mum parent that you would like their child to come to
your child’s party but if she could be the one accompanying her child . I would say to her that I hope she understands . If pushed I’d say he ( the father ) is not welcome.
There is no way I’d be tip toeing around what the father has done .

Curioushoney · 24/04/2025 15:44

springisspringing1 · 24/04/2025 14:04

I totally take your point, which is why I am asking the question. It doesn't seem fair at all. But equally, what is the alternative? To be perfectly honest, if my DH was done for grooming/child sex abuse images, he would be gone from my life, so it does slightly raise concerns that the mother is still v involved with him.

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Presumably your DH is on the same page as you Re this party?

Loungingbutnotforlong · 24/04/2025 15:44

I’m amazed at his many people are so casually expecting you to in any way socialise with this man or allow him to come to your house. I would not have anything to do with him. Any fallout on his poor child is down to his actions and those of the mother. She needs a wake up call that the ‘community’ is not going up risk their children for the sake of reducing awkwardness around a few children’s parties.