Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

Also, if he talks to your children at school gate… a quiet, but very simple… “do not talk to my children ever again, leave my family alone” should work. He will know why

I'm surprised he's still allowed to stay in the family home. The only one I know of personally though, SA his own child and the mother only divorced him as social services threathened to take the kids off her if she kept in contact with him.

Absolutely amazed at this thread.

OP: ”One of my kid’s friends dads has a criminal record for stabbing random kids with a kitchen knife, WIBU to avoid having him at our barbecue and asking the friend’s mum to come instead?”
Loads of posters: “YABU anyone could go on a rampage at any time.”

Do the other parents know? How do they feel about it? As a rule of thumb I'd say if he is allowed to drop off/pick his child up from school he can't be that much of a risk.....however it's a big fat no from me! I'd rather be the devil and know my child was away from harm than to look sympathetic to a person like that....if only he would have thought about how his actions might impact his sons friendships. He's put his kid in this position not you.....do what you feel is right as the only person your child will look to for answers in the future is you

In the case of the people we know, the man was sexting with a 14 year old girl…he now has a 14 year old daughter.

cant get my head around it at all. He should have removed himself from the family home and not weakly left it to his wife.

Why be polite
I would let her know the reason you/I don’t want her partner anywhere near your house and child . spell it out clearly so there is no mistake .

it’s not like this is going to be the first time probably and if it is then tough shit - she is staying with him so she has to accept that she and her child sadly will be frozen out of certain social events

If it’s known locally what he’s done. I can’t see him having the balls to show his face. Are you sure they are still in a relationship? I don’t think he will be able to live in the same house or have unsupervised access to children.

Just don’t leave him alone with the knives. It’s your moral responsibility to include him, he’s done his time. Maybe it wasn’t him who stabbed those kids - maybe he was set up.

Quite apart from anything else, I would be absolutely furious if I brought my child to your child's party and found that you'd allowed Paedophile Dad to attend.

It might help bolster your very sensible instincts to consider this and that it is not only your children you'd be exposing to risk.

I'd make it explicitly clear to the mother that he is not welcome and would honestly turn him away at the door if he did show up.

Frankly, I'd wonder about the mother as well if she's minimising or making excuses. If she's actually still in a relationship with him I'd very seriously consider just avoiding them both (whilst feeling very sorry for their poor child).

Absolutely fuck that. I wouldn’t let me child anywhere near him and if that means avoiding parties etc. then so be it, supervised or otherwise. I wouldn’t want my child thinking he was someone to be trusted just by virtue of me being in the same company as him

Also think about the other parents
they could easily get very angry at you if they find out he has been at the party around their kids and you know what he had done

I would be more angry at you than him I think because you have allowed this to happen

Unless there is evidence that he is a risk to his own child there would be no legal justification for preventing contact. Ive been involved with many cases where custody of/contact with their own children has been agreed by the authorities following a period of assessment. Not all paedophiles are interested in abusing their own children, they may be the 'wrong' age/gender for example. Not saying I agree with it, just explaining that it does happen.

I agree with this. I had a conversation with my dc when they were that sort of age, about who we trust and who we think of as someone trustworthy. I said how anyone can be friendly but that doesn’t mean all those people are good people. I talked about how adults say hello to people locally but may not know them well enough to know if they are good people or not. It was part of some chats about not going off with strangers , but also not going anywhere with someone who you know but who isn’t a trusted person , unless I had told them myself it was ok.
Small children think that everyone you say hello to, or see regularly, is a friend. They don’t understand the nuance of social politeness versus real trust. So it’s good to talk about that, to have trusted adults who they know could pick them up from school in an emergency, that type of thing. Just having regular contact with this man could mean that the children think of him as someone trustworthy, someone whose car they could get into, that sort of thing.
OP isn’t he likely to be at everyone’s party ? There is a man local to me who gave me such a band feeling from his behaviour around my dds and others, that I specifically told my dds that he wasn’t trustworthy, that they must never go anywhere with him, never go to look at the toys he kept in his van etc. to avoid him and not get close to him.

I'm actually shocked by some of these responses - a sex offender would not be going anywhere near my son, and personally I would also limit interaction with a mother who has chosen a sex offender over the safety of her child. If necessary I would have a conversation with her and explain so she can limit the effect on her child, I suppose she could make it clear that the father won't come to a party etc - It's nuts to me that anyone would think a pedophile would be reintegrated around children.

If your kid gets invited to his kids party then I would go with them
As for your kids party I would message the mum and state that the father is not allowed to attend. I would also check that the school knows he is on the SO register

All these people making excuses for a pedophile and offering him a second chance, I wonder if you would be so sympathetic if it involved your child.

I’d personally send a gift to the child from mine, but be clear we aren’t attending. They will know why, but equally happy to spell it out if they have the balls to question it.
poor poor kid.

Because good manners never hurt anyone. The OP has said this man remains close to this woman but she doesn’t know if they are together or not. She has not said if he does any school collections/drop offs. He may only have supervised access to his children. The child’s mum may have no intention of him being at her children’s parties or having him bring her children to other parties.

Obviously the OP doesn’t want this man anywhere near her children or her home but there may well be no plans for him to be anywhere near other children.

I might be a sandwich short of picknic?
but won’t there be any “ conditions “ after sentencing? Something like he is only allowed to be with children under these circumstances etc? Even rules about seeing his own child? Plus entry on the sex offender register? As he therefore is not allowed to work with children it’s not really his place to play put the tail on the donkey on anyones birthday party under the age of 50? This is not a rehabilitation issue. Even lawmakers know that child sex offenders are likely to get again into trouble. Hence the register. He should not be anywhere where he can do harm. Potentially or actually. Or am I missing something?

Having had to deal with my child being a victim it absolutely sickens me to know so many people would be happy to be in his company. It's disgusting.

To date, has this man been near the school at drop offs or collections ? Does he bring his kids to any after school activities ? Have you seen him in a group with other Dad’s ?

This. I would have to actively raise it with the mother as respectfully as possible to explain that I don't want the man around children but equally don't wish to exclude their child. Discuss whether she feels able to attend the party solo to satisfy the matter. Given he's on a sex register, she'd be doing her child a dis-service to not acknowledge that other parents may feel disturbed with his presence.

An honest difficult conversation is called for, given it will be on-going.

Some men who are convicted of CSA do retreat into isolation but you'd be amazed at the absolute brass neck of some of them. I've dealt with one who made a formal complaint that he wasn't allowed to join the PTA at his childs school.

Re living with or spending time unsupervised with his own child, as I've said elsewhere on the thread unless there is evidence that he is a risk to his own child there would be no legal justification for preventing contact. Not all paedophiles are interested in abusing their own children, they may be the 'wrong' age/gender for example. Not saying I agree with it, just explaining that it does happen and Children's Services usually back out very quickly once they've established that there is no evidence that the persons own child is at risk of abuse.

Isn’t this thread incredibly outing op?

it’s common knowledge a parent in this community’s midst is a convicted criminal of sexual abuse….

Outing for who?