Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

There are some very odd responses here. Of course you’re not being unreasonable not to want a convicted child sex offender hanging out in your house for the afternoon. And I can’t imagine the other parents would be ok with it either. We’re not talking about vigilante justice here, just the logical consequences of having proven yourself to be a danger to children.

I’d still invite the child, OP, but ask mum to attend with them - “Hope you’re able to join us with Daisy, as in the circumstances we wouldn’t we able to welcome her father to the house”.

Yanbu op. If it's a drop and run party no issue but if parents still stay it's perfectly reasonable not to want him in your home or around your child. Unless someone is supervising him no one can guarantee he won't be alone with a child at any point.

If this is common knowledge amongst this small community’s

I can’t believe any parent would be happy with this man remotely within the vicinity of their child

Tens of thousands of convictions a year - they do get reported in the local press, if anyone bothers to read it. A proportion of those will have kids of the right age unfortunately. Did you think this was rare?

Nobody is suggesting that the OP should ignore her perfectly sensible warning feelings about a potentially dangerous and predatory man.

Famlies of CSAM offenders are incredibly isolated and shamed in their communities and put in a very difficult position by these men and their offending. The mum may feel trapped, unable to leave, he may be abusive. you have no idea.

I would not want to further isolate this mum - particularly if her child is part of a small community. So I would tread warily and be vigilant but I would not personally be outwardly rude to this man or to anyone in the family.

This is the normal reaction.

MN seems to attract the apologists when it comes to this subject. Wonder what it is about this site that attracts them?

Thank you 👏👏👏

reading some of these responses I thought I was losing my mind - I would never in a million years let a man who had been caught for being a pedo anywhere near my child!

"Hysterical". DFOD.

It's been explained in words of one syllable by other posters the risk involved even in a supervised situation.

I hope you're taking note.

I agree, I know I'm not aware of her circumstances, blah blah, before anyone starts.
It's just if she thinks it's ok to be around him knowing what she does, how do I know for example he wouldn't be at a party of their kids?
Her thinking's completely fucked up if she'll allow her child to still be around him. Wouldn't trust her around mine either as a result.

One other point OP - even if no harm came to your child if they heard that Dave’s dad was a convicted sex offender when they were older and realised you knew and let him around them, imagine how they’d feel.

There is zero risk if you are supervising a situation properly. Absolutely zero

I would still invite the child to your daughters party as even if he drops her off at the door he will have no contact with your daughter

I would let her go to the girls birthday as-well but I would need to know that he would not be present

His daughter shouldn’t be punished for things that he has done, what if no one turns up at her party…..the poor kid

Yes, I would question her decision making skills.

Why can you tell her straight? I am aware of jonnys dads criminal activity and i dont want him near my kids. I would like to invite Jonny to Bob's party. However, I only feel comfortable doing that if you will be bringing him. If his dad brings him he will be asked to leave and I wouldn't want Jonny to be upset./ disappointed.

I understand where you are coming from OP.
You don’t want your child to ever meet him so that he can never recognise the man as his friend’s father and therefore as somebody trustworthy.
I think that is very wise at this early education stage.

Could you send a more formal style invitation out with ‘By Invitation Only’ printed across the top.
Then you write in exactly who is invited. For this particular family you write in…eg Ellie and Mummy. For every other invitation you write in eg Joe and parent.
I know it feels pompous to have a more formal invitation card style for a child’s party, but I think all concerned parents would understand your objective by doing it that way and you could soften it by saying you don’t have room for two parents.

Take note of what other mums are doing to get round this problem. With the first round of parties, I think the unwritten policy will evolve naturally between you all and then everybody will get the hang of how to handle it without it being a risk to any child and without it affecting the child of that family.

I don’t think YABU at all.

If the mum still chooses to have this man in hers and her child’s life then in my eyes, she is just as bad as him. It’s so unfair to the child to not be actively distancing this man away from them.

I would let her go to the girls birthday as-well but I would need to know that he would not be present

How would you know that he wouldn't be present though? I certainly wouldn't be taking the mum's word for it, especially when she's clearly alright still being around him.

the really sad thing here is people judging the mum. you have NO idea what is going on behind closed doors.

Vast numbers of men are being arrested for these offences - it's being driven by disgusting porn habits etc - the women generally don't know - and this mum may be traumatised, weak, abused - trying to keep her kids from having to go to the dad 50/50 - you don't know

the families of offenders/ men in prison etc, are always at risk of being shamed and judged - do better as a neighbour, a friend - you can keep an eye out for your own child without judging others.

Invite the child, it's not their fault.
I don't think Dad would come. if he does, tell him to leave and to get mum to collect child at the end of the party.

I wouldn’t give a flying fig about her circumstances

appalling judgement of character
hence I’d want nothing to do with her.

sadly their child suffers for it, but I’m not to blame for that.

I disagree.

Say this creature is in the vicinity of OPs kid. No direct contact or communication, fine. But just watching the kids. Can you think what he might be thinking? Where his mind will go? I’m clearly not about to type a scenario of his possible thoughts, but would you be happy with someone leering at your child, taking detail of their clothes, hair colour, smile etc, for their own pleasure later that night?

i don’t give a flying fig about what is going on behind closed door.

young girls have suffered terrible
and she still remains close to and quite possibly with him
end of

the really sad thing here is people judging the mum. you have NO idea what is going on behind closed doors

No, you're right and nobody knows. Although it's perfectly natural not to want your kids at a house or being around somewhere where you know one of the parents is like this child's Dad.
Why should anyone put their own child at risk just to save someone else's feelings?

Amazing how some of you would be happy to have him in the vicinity. Utterly gross.

It’s not safe. The wife should be openly saying that he won’t be there for obvious reasons. Integrate, my arse. He can fuck the hell off and stay home for the sake of his child.

I’d guess your partner wouldn’t feel the same @Gymmum82

so would you overrule?