Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

Sometimes it’s hard to be straightforward or honest or blunt @springisspringing1 - but here is a situation that really warrants it.

I would not gossip or collude with other parents, I would simply say to the wife/ mother “due to your partner’s conviction he’s not welcome in our house and my DD is not allowed to play dates at your house. Your DD can come to our house but I don’t want any relationship to develop between my DD and you both”. Then I would leave it at that, not partake in gossip but ruthlessly maintain that boundary.

Good luck x

First I'd ask the police if there are any restriction on him attending a child's birthday party.

If so, that's a simple ish solution - you invite X child and stipulate on the X + mum on the invitation and when the RSVP comes back, you check explicitly that it is her accompanying the child and if dad turns up, tell them that it's a breach of his register conditions.

If he doesnt have conditions on him, you need to be blunt as someone else said. At the moment you aren't further publicising the information, just making use of what's in the public domain, nor are you gossiping, so she should respect that she/her child are vulnerable to you reaching to her reaction.

Lastly, as awful as I feel for the child, at some point their child will be a teenager, the same age as the abused girl. That child will have teenage friends. If your children aren't friends, that makes yur child safer. So I wouldn't exclude the child, but I wouldn't encourage a friendship outside of school because teens as liable to break rules or disregard their parents. It would also be difficult for DD knowing her friends dad is a sex offender and keeping it secret. I wouldn't want to complicate my child's life.

People on the sex offenders register have conditions placed on them, that are monitored. So it is doubtful he would get unsupervised access to his daughter

This is not necessarily true in my experience. In the majority of cases I've been invoved in, unless there is evidence that the parent was abusing their own child, they have been allowed unsupervised access. Also the monitoring of offenders is patchy due to Police and Probation services being overstretched. The conditions in the SHPO are often vague and offenders can potentially push the boundaries without necessarily breaching them in a way that is actionable.

Stunned how blasé some of the responses are being. Especially given Mumsnet views on other issues, such as trans women using ladies'loos. You're all acting like potential victims if a trans woman is in the stall next door, but fine that a known paedophile be around your young child?

Absolutely no way on earth this man would be allowed near my home or child. I'd be making that very clear to the other child's mother and the school.

Only on MN would a parent wanting to avoid completely a convicted sex offender be described as a vigilante 🙄.

So by completely physically avoiding them, and ensuring your child doesn't come in contact with them, you are a vigilante 🤣

Even if we assume the mother is trying to act in her child’s best interests (eg in the knowledge the father might get 50% custody if she leaves him, therefore better to stay and be able to supervise), the fact she is trying to push his reintegration into the school community shows a gross lack of judgement. As PPs have said, sadly partners of these devious men are often also groomed by them. In any case, better to be “functionally fatherless” than have a convicted child sex offender co-parenting you, surely?!

Seriously? If my DH was a sex offender he'd be far far away from our kids as I'd fight tooth and nail so he didn't have access. If that wasn't possible he certainly wouldn't see them alone.

Functionally fatherless is a damn sight better than having a sex offender in your life!

All this “he’ll never be alone with your child” stuff is moot, IMO.

Just because he won’t have a chance to touch or take photo of your child doesn’t mean the OP should be expected to tolerate him being present around her child where he may well be thinking deviant, perverse thoughts. Thing that he’ll keep in his head for his own pleasure.

Or will I be told “they’re only thoughts”?

Before anyone counters this by telling me that these beasts are everywhere, that might be true but the difference here is that we know this creature is. With any random man, we don’t have that insight and statistically they are probably not a paedophile.

Give these people no room in society. That extends to the mother too. She’s not innocent here.

We had this situation - he was a teacher - and his wife stayed with him. They live in our street.

We just explained it as ‘her dad isn’t a safe person so you can’t go to their house’ and then of course…now they’re teenagers everyone knows the full story.

Just because he got caught doesn't mean he won't still have attraction to children, he will. It's a sexual urge and won't be cured through therapy, etc whatever people say.

I think the best way forward here is to have a short conversation with the child's mother, uncomfortable as it sounds. "I wanted to talk to you real quick. Is this a good time? Okay, then, here's the deal. We don't want to exclude your child from my child's birthday party but the other parents and I don't want your child's father to be present, even to drop off and pick up. Is that okay with you?"

If she says anything but "Yes, that's fine," tell her, "Okay then, that's not negotiable. So, unfortunately, we won't be inviting your child. I just wanted to be sure to give you a chance. Have a nice day."

YANBU. I would keep my distance. If the mum is keen to have him in her life, she has to accept the consequences of this decision. That demonstrates her poor judgement as a mother. My reason for keeping my distance is this. When children are young, you can be there and keep them safe. However, the message that this gives to your child and all of the other children around him, is that this man is okay. At what point do you tell them that he isn't? When your child is 11 or 12 and has no idea that friends dad, who everybody seems to like and accept, is offering them a lift or does some other seemingly innocent action. He has shown what he is, why take chances with your child's safety, either now or 5-10 years down the line. Registers were created for a reason, ignoring his presence on one doesn't make sense to me. I realise I'm in a minority here, having read a lot of the responses, but I would stay clear.

Are you serious?? You have to be a troll because no parent would ever think we should be supporting a paedophilie to be integrated but mingling them with their child. Do you often happily socialise with paedos and have them around your child? All your going is giving him opportunity to hide among the sheep

Some of you are unbelievable. The father should be hiding his sorry arse not standing watching children play.

Imagine: hi Johnny, I’m x’s dad. I saw you at y’s party… A dream for someone who has a ready made in for grooming. Surely If he’s on the SOR he should not be socialising with kids?!

I don't think you're in the wrong, to think as you do. The bottom line though is that this man is on the sex offenders' register so people who know far more about his offences and mental state than you, will have made informed decisions about what he is and is not allowed to do or where he is or is not allowed to go. You can decide not to let him come to your private house or a place you have privately rented for a party etc. Beyond that you can obviously avoid taking your child to any parties etc he might be at, but you can't control whether he brings his child to another child's party or whatever, your views just aren't relevant.

Go with your gut feeling . As a mum you need to put your kid first . Yes it’s awful for the other child but they aren’t your responsibility. It’s up to his mum / dad to manage the situation that the dad has put them all in as a family .
if you feel uneasy I would listen to that feeling and act accordingly . We all wish we knew if there were predators near our kids . In the instance you do know so use that information and protect your child . Leave the parents of the other child to protect him and manage disappointment . May sound harsh but put your own first x

Exactly
you know this guy grooms kids so you keep him away - fuck the sensitivity of him or his partner

You are not there to integrate him and neither are you kids and yes you should tell her that while she and her child is welcome he isn’t - let them know you aren’t ok with having a child abuser in your house or around your kids

it’s like if you know a dog bites kids and don’t like kids
you wouldn’t say oh it ok I’m going leave my toddler there to help the dog not bite in the future - I’m going to train him not to bite by leaving my toddler with the dog

dogs gonna bite
paedos are gonna groom

it’s on here all the time my MIL has a dog that is vicious and bites - what should I do
and everyone one always says ….

don’t visit if the dog is there
keep your kid away from the dog

and anyone who is happy to have this guy who is a known to groom kids around their kids is an idiot

You could just write a note on his invitation that you’d appreciate if it was the Mum bringing the child to the party and you hope she understands where you’re coming from.

My job is to keep my children safe, not to appease discomfort of men on the sex register, nor the women who choose to be in romantic relationships with them. I certainly wouldn’t get the pitchforks out, but I would 100% ensure that my children were in no proximity.

This is brilliant and I'm saving it for talking to my own 4 year old

You are deluded if you think that sex offenders are adequately and appropriately monitored

I'm very confused about how the child is still allowed to be with the parents if all of this is public knowledge? Is some of it gossip?

I cannot comprehend why any woman would retain a relationship with a convicted pedophile and/or try to help him 'reintegrate' in society.

Nor why anyone would think he should be attending a children's birthday party.

Men like this will remain a threat to children for the rest of their miserable life. You cannot rehabilitate them.

Some of the replies on this thread are truly batshit.

OP you are perfectly right not to want anything to do with that man, or with the woman who is enabling him, and to choose to protect your child above anything else.

I’d actually be really honest to her… “thanks for your invite, I’ll be coming”
”thanks for agreeing to come to my LOs party, can I be sure it’s you or a grandparent bringing your LO please? Your husband isn’t welcome. I don’t want this to be awkward, but I absolutely won’t turn a blind eye to his conviction. I’m sure you understand.

One of my husband's friends was convicted of a very similar thing. We completely cut him off and will never speak to him again, let alone have him in the house with our daughters. I can't believe people are saying they'd be happy having him there, in my opinion paedophiles should be vilified and ostracised.