Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

And he dumped her too he is sniffing around other single parents

Not using those exact words, but the sentiment is the same.

This man’s child is not OP’s responsibility, and while it’s unfortunate, OP including her means increasing the risk her father poses to OP’s
children. For a child, ‘my friend’s dad’, especially when that dad is living in the family home and presenting/being presented as ‘normal’, is very likely to be seen as someone that doesn’t pose a threat. We know that this particular one does.

Any scars she bears as a result of being excluded will be because of her parents, not because of the parents taking appropriate action to keep their own children safe.

No @Praying4Peace, the OP most certainly does NOT ‘need to support opportunities to allow man to be reintegrated, without putting anymore at risk’. That is not her responsibility at all!

OP - your children are not at risk from this man if you are at the party, supervising contact between this man (should he be there) and your children should he even talk to them or be close by.

Your children would be at risk if you left them at the party unsupervised in his company. He is a convicted sex offender and you need to protect your children.

Personally, my DC wouldn’t be going to this party as I would not feel comfortable with him being close to my children, even supervised. As horrible as it sounds, the feelings of his child do not trump the safety of mine. I feel sorry for his child, but it’s not my fault. Perhaps the mother needs to reevaluate her relationship with him.

Haven’t rtft but you don’t let your child anywhere near the filthy bastard, surely!?!? Yeah, anyone could be a sex offender but you KNOW this man is. Show absolutely no sympathy or understanding because those emotions will be used against you and potentially your child. It’s not the mother’s “fault” but if she’s stayed with him then in my eyes she’s as good as complicit. At least brainwashed.

I'm with you OP.

I recognise my kid would probably not be "at risk" from this dude, but I don't want to associate with a mother that would defend a paedophile, OR with her paedophile husband.

I'm sorry if that's sad for the kid, but I am not responsible for putting aside my feelings and my children's safety to appease a paedophile and his apologist wife so their kid isn't excluded. I wouldn't have a problem if I could be certain the dad wouldn't be around - I can't, so I'm sorry, my child will not be going to your house and while I'm ok with your kid coming here, I will not be associating with your husband. Ever.

Maybe that's unfair and bit scorched earth. Frankly, I'm not sure I care.

This is the only answer that would apply to my child.

Just to be even more vehement on the topic if I wasn’t clear enough… there was CSA in my wider family. My immediate family cut off and reported everything they knew. Unfortunately children involved in CSA quite often protect their abusers for various reasons.

i don’t know why you’d even consider associating with these people. Incomprehensible to me and I’m far from the perfect parent. Absolute, proven risk of harm though?!?!? Wake up!?!?

Exactly. These monsters can never be cured.

Oh and just to add… if you think that whatever he’s done isn’t “that bad” I’ve heard (from incredibly reliable and professional sources) of fathers who have passed their own children around CSA rings and have still managed to get contact when it goes to court.

I would tell the child's mother up front, the child is welcome to the party but under no circumstance is the father to attend, sorry but your there to keep your kids safe, not yo make him feel welcome.

That child should be removed from the home if the mother insists on continuing any form of relationship with him.

I hate to be nasty to kids but if it was be I’d completely cut any association. From my own experience where I wasn’t the abused child but unintentionally party to the abuse, I wouldn’t want any contact whatsoever. You think you can protect your own kids. You do that by avoiding risk. Any risk.

So agree!

Peadophiles are like any other psychopath (look it up of you don’t know the proper definition) They will lie, cheat, change personas… they will do anything to get to the end goal.

That poor child why ffs isn’t the mother putting her child before this man

i dont blame you op. Unless you make it clear to the mother only she brings the child to the party/play dates

there is no harm in telling her how unacceptable you find him being around your child we shouldn’t be afraid of doing so because it might be a difficult conversation or we want to avoid things being awkward

the more he is accepted the easier it becomes for him to groom and this will start with him grooming the adults

he is what he is a man who is sexually attracted to children and has been involved with the abuse of children he won’t change

Dear friend,

I’d like to invite Jimmy junior to spring junior’s party. Will you be able to bring him and stay throughout the party? Unfortunately I’m unable to host Jimmy senior.

RSVP
Etc

I wouldn't do that. If she's a woman that will stand by her paedo husband and actively try and integrate him back into polite society, then I wouldn't put it past her to "force" him to bring the child and claim he has to stay, putting you in an uncomfortable position.

I'd have to either say no or have an actual conversation with her.

I don’t think yabu op. I have a relative in law who is a sex offender. He was recently at MILs 80th bday at her request. I allowed my children to go and intended to keep a very close eye on my kids. He struck up a very familiar relationship with my eldest who he had never met before (9 year old at the time). I tried to stick to him like glue but these people are very very clever and very manipulative. In my view as a parent you have one main job, to keep your kids safe. I wouldn’t let my kids anywhere near this guy. Anyone who says he poses no risk is being very naive imo.

"Mummy why have you stayed with a pedophile?'

I’m surprised by some of the relaxed comments on this post. There’s absolutely no way I’d be allowing this man any where near my child regardless of the impact on his child. I just couldn’t do it. My primary responsibility is to safeguard my children.

This is absolutely the way forward. You can also add ‘I don’t want x to miss out so I hope that you are able to bring him, the two of you are very welcome.

I actually think this is quite supportive, being very clear and boundaried, you could even help her to think wtf am I doing. Some of the replies saying you need to accommodate him, are misguided. In a small town, the adults you choose to have in your home, are an indication that these are safe people. It doesn’t matter that you’d be supervising. What happens in another 6/7 years when they are out and about independently and trust this guy, because mum wouldn’t invite him in unless he was safe. Not saying you op, your attitude is sensible, for pps.

While I get what you mean and the sentiment is right, I don’t know if it’s the op’s job to protect this man’s child.

The child might have suffered at this man’s hands directly.

He will certainly in some way have just by having him for a father - arrests, watching arguments between his parents about his dad being a peadophile, being away from his dad, eft.

In the future this child will certainly be impacted by this man’s crimes either through absorbing his negative values and actions (and of course I know kids of sex offenders don’t automatically become sex offenders, but kids of bad people sometimes become bad people themselves in one way or another) or through the shame of being associated with him and the hurt of his dad being a bad person. That household can’t possibly be healthy can it? A man who is a convicted pedophile, a mother who had found out her partner is a pedophiles it’s l

So just from a purely self focused, protective parent point of view, it is fair to say this kid might not be the friend you want for your child. And it is OP’s duty to think about her own kid, no matter how sad another child’s life might be.

Be aware of security cameras recording at any point, in his house, that he can access for his own ‘interest’.

Yes to that.

And also, "Mummy, can I count on you not to throw me under the bus if it comes down to a choice between me and him?"

Is your DC female? Is his child female? His type sounds female and teenager not 4yo. Still I would take evasive action too.

It boggles my mind why anyone would stay with a pervert but each to their own, I guess. I feel very sorry for the child though 😞