Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

While I’m not a social worker, I have worked in Children’s Services and Education for over twenty years. Safeguarding is everyone‘s responsibility.

Firstly, I would be seriously concerned that the mother is acting against social services - why would the husband be allowed to remain in the home with his children or have contact with them without supervision? Let alone have contact with children out in the community!! I would be reporting to social services, in case their child needs protecting against both their father’s actions and their mother’s inability to keep them safe due to her prioritising her relationship over them. She may be hiding their relationship from them.

Secondly, no known sex offender would ever knowingly coming into contact with my child regardless of the consequences to anyone else. You do not have to sacrifice your own child’s safety on the altar of “being kind”. Your job is to protect your own children from harm first and foremost.

Nobody should be normalising or minimalising paedophilia.

Her child wouldn't even come on my radar. I couldn't care less how they felt.

She has proven she is dangerous.
And I wouldn't let anyone dangerous near my child.

So no, their child can't come to my child's party and my child won't be going to theirs.

I'd be more than happy to explain why.

This.

Maybe she is mentally unwell with no insight. Maybe she doesn’t understand. Maybe she has a brain injury and he’s taking advantage of her. Maybe she’s been indoctrinated.

Or, maybe she’s just a selfish cow who’s afraid of being single with baggage and so excused what he’s done because “he’s been to therapy”, “he’s done his time” or “he didn’t actually touch anyone, he just looked”.

Quite a few people on this thread are reassuring OP that it's safe because this man will be "monitored", but they have no concept of what that monitoring looks like in reality. He won't be under constant surveillance, no one is following this man around watching his every move. It is also not the case that if he so much as speaks to a child he will be whisked away to prison as has been claimed on this thread.

Things like having to keep in touch with a probation officer, attend scheduled appointments with the Police PPU and notify them of his place of residence/any change in personal details and possibly (but not necessarily) having his Internet use monitored are all important and necessary to reduce the risk of re-offending, but they certainly don't guarantee that children are safe around him. Personally, one of these things would be sufficiently reassuring to make me consider letting this man have contact with my children if I could help it.

Once a paedophile always a paedophile! He would certainly not be coming anywhere near my children. What type of mother can forgive a partner that enjoyed child pornograpy. It's sickening! Imagine having a paedophile for a father. The sins of the father are being visited on his son because of the mother.

OP, I realise you are trying to steer a middle course, be fair, be kind to your child and his friend, etc. etc., but please remember the comments regarding him becoming ‘normalised’ as a ‘Safe Dad’. Mitigating risk by trying to be present at contacts is all well and good but, as others have said, if he is flagged as Safe Dad now, what happens in the future when your child or a younger sibling meets Safe Dad and suddenly it turns out he isn’t Safe ?

I was sexually abused by the father of my brother’s best friend when I was 12. It happened when his wife, my father, my brother and his mate were all in the house but in other rooms. This was over 50 years ago and I was very naïve. In hindsight, I think if I’d told my father he would have gone down the ‘don’t be stupid, don’t tell lies’ etc. route, after all, the perpetrator was a good bloke….he was the father of my brother’s best friend wasn’t he ? A Safe Dad.

I’ve told very few people about this but it has affected me through my life. I thought I’d buried it but when my brother mentioned, in passing, a couple of years ago, did I remember X as he’d just died ? I was poleaxed. My brother just kept rambling on as is his wont but I finished the call as soon as possible and spent the next 2 hours sobbing. I’m mid-late 60s and it still has the power to affect me to my core.

Please heed the warnings about normalising this man as a Safe Dad. He might be now but I’m afraid the balance of probabilities suggest Sexual Offenders do not reform.

If I was in your position I would ask the Police if I am entitled to more information; attending in person at the Police Station to ask might give you a better feeling of what is possible and gets rid of the emailing to and fro numerous times.

Are you friendly enough with another parent to be confident they would be honest with you about how they feel ? It may be there are a lot of you not wanting to be seen to be ‘unkind’ but are worried.

I think I would veer on the side of seeming a bit odd rather than expose my child to a known sex offender. Oh, and as others have said, his wife has her own problems to steer through but I’m afraid I wouldn’t be 100% sure I would trust her not to have her husband around the children.

Final thought. Looking at photos online is what is often referred to as an ‘entry’ offence but he has also been convicted of what might be considered as a ‘next stage’ offence of grooming. There are three ways an offender can go. Back to non-offending, staying at the same level and escalating. I don’t know which way this man might go but neither do any other posters on here.

So much questionable parenting on this thread.

I would never let this man even up my drive way, nor would I let my child in his/child's mums house. However, I'd let mum know that the child is welcome to my child's birthday party, however X isn't so please ensure he's not the one bringing her. She won't be surprised, it was publicised.

Everyone saying about him being no more risk/you don't know which other males are a risk, I'm actually a bit sickened. Other people may be a risk, but that doesn't mean you let a known pedophile in your house 🤨

Don’t ask me why. That is the law. It prioritises father’s rights over the safety of children. It absolutely happens, even if they’ve abused their own child. Maybe if more people are aware of it, change would happen

I would exclude the child from parties in this situation, and discourage any friendship. If his own mum's not worried about his social life I don't see why I should be.

Absolutely, but what I also don't understand is why he is legally allowed to have unsupervised contact with his own child in the first place - why is the law not protecting his poor child??

When I said you don’t know if other men are safe I absolutely didn’t condone letting a sex offender near a child. I meant, be aware of all males

“Molly is of course invited to the party but your husband won’t be welcome in my home”. Simple as that (assuming you want to include the kid)

Dinosaurshoebox, I agree with you totally. I remember some years ago there was a television personality who was convicted of various offences and his point of view seemed to be life should go on as normal. A drama was made of it on television. Children need protecting from people like him and this individual.

The laws around this absolutely prioritise fathers’ rights over the safety of children. It happens ALL the time. It’s hard to reckon but it’s absolutely true, absolutely shocking and it needs more awareness

It shocks me to the core that this country allows sexual predators to still have contact with their own children . This system is so messed up . It socks me even more a mother allows this to happen .
I wouldn’t want anything to do with the family , yes I pity that child but not to my own child’s safety

I know a family where their son was convicted and imprisoned for viewing CSA, he came out and all the family minimised his behaviour 'hes not a risk, he only looked', he was also 'monitored', still managed to abuse his niece whilst everyone was in the house 'supervising' him.

It was more @justgoodforthegetting saying

Ultimately, your child will come into contact with many paedophiles throughout their childhood, just most of them you’ll have no idea about…I’d argue that’s probably the ones you need to worry about more.

🙄

As unfair as it may be, I’d stick with my gut instinct of avoiding contact with the family where possible (without being rude) and not encourage a friendship with their child. Very tough on the mum and son but it’s a parental instinct in me I think

grumpygrape I'm so sorry you were harmed.

My brother just kept rambling on as is his wont but I finished the call as soon as possible and spent the next 2 hours sobbing. I’m mid-late 60s and it still has the power to affect me to my core.

It just never goes away, does it? My heart hurts for you.

Exactly this.

I couldn't have this despicable man anywhere near my children as I'd assume he'd be watching the children and getting off to it.

Disgusting.
I can't believe how many people are defending this man.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for telling your story. It does v much reinforce my sense of not wanting to take any sort of risk at all.

I'm sorry I'm definitely going to judge a woman for staying with a bloody pedophile, and so should everyone. She's just as bad as he is, for staying.

YANBU
He is a pedophile and shouldn’t be near any child ever. especially his own.
I find it shocking that the mum is trying to bury her head in the sand and hopes everyone forgives and forgets.
BUT The poor kid that’s stuck with these two idiots is completely innocent in this and shouldn’t be shunned.
I would take the mum to one side and tell her the truth.. Nobody wants to not let her son come to birthday parties but no sane parent is going to accept her pedophile ex/or still current partner.
Balls in her court, I know this is very pushy and impolite but please don’t let a sex offender around your child just to be kind.

It might be worth checking in with someone at the school and just asking what their rules are on him being on school grounds etc. You don't have to let that affect your decision, but it'd be good for you to know, before you have a chat with the child's mum. It also might mean you end up letting the school know that actually, he's breaking their rules and has been at the school gates etc, and they can escalate as needed.

It's very reasonable to say 'We're not comfortable with Bob being around our children, or in our home, due to the fact he's a registered sex offender. When we invite little Billy around for a playdate or birthday party, please accompany him yourself, as we won't have Bob in our home. We won't be attending anything at yours, as we know Bob still lives with you.'

Tbh, I think the more people who say something like this might bring some sense to the mum about not having her own children around a registered sex offender either!

Lady on my road lost her children because she remained in a relationship with a paedophile she couldn't hide it after she got pregnant by him again they told her again you cannot have him around your children and took the children her first step was not to work on herself and get the children back it was to move him in to the house to "support" her she lost her kids permanently lost the baby then her mind