Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

Why are people trying to minimise a parents fears about letting their children anywhere near a paedophille? That doesn’t sound OK. I can’t believe people on MN would try and minimise this and encourage the involvement of a convicted sex offender into the circle of primary school families

In case anyone is seriously considering inviting a convicted sex offender to spend time with their children... If something happens and a child is harmed, social work will consider it a significant safeguarding concern if a parent knew an individual was a convicted sex offender for offences against a child and still let that individual into their child's (or any child's) life. Plus, any parent who did so out of BeKind-itis would have to live with knowing they gave the individual access to more children to offend against.

What is ‘outwith’ never heard of that word before?

It means beyond, or outside of.

Scottish word. Similar meaning to outside.

I am sorry I haven’t read all the replies but I think I might talk to the local safeguarding team (at the council) about this. If he was found guilty and is on the register that will come with conditions- normally things like must not be unsupervised with children, must see own children through contact centre etc.. I am concerned that his wife is enabling his behaviour through some desire of hers to integrate him! I am also worried that there seems to be no boundaries around interaction with his own children.

Having said that if all his conditions are being met - then I would ensure my child was supervised round him at all times.

There are people who commit this crime in every community/ village, whether they have been found out is another issue. Therefore ensuring our kids have the right tools to help protect themselves is also vital.

That’s also something they have to explain to their kids eventually.

”I’m sorry you got hurt, but mummy was focused on the important things - like being kind, and getting virtual pats on the back for it on mumsnet”

Far too many people preaching stupidity and calling it ‘empathy’.

@OldCottageGreenhouse I keep forgetting it’s not a known word everywhere 😂

Had to explain it to an English conveyancing office once. They looked at me like I was mad!

Thanks so much for all your comments. It's really helped me clarify my thoughts. I think a quiet word with the mum soon is the only way forward. It's going to have to happen at some point as they all get older so I may as well get on with it. It's a really sad and horrible situation. I haven't talked to other parents about it, because I really don't want it to be a vigilante type situation, but it was well covered in the local paper. I just don't want this man's presence normalised in my children's lives. It's just not a risk I will ever take.

I totally take your point, and after this thread I would ask him to leave if he turned up. But that would clearly be awful for his child, so I think it's best to get ahead of it. It's also tricky with parents of your small children as I don't know them all well. Obviously he would not be invited if it was just my friends!

I would still invite the child (as he’s innocent in all of this) but would make it clear to the mum that the dad is not welcome to bring him. I don’t think she will ask you why if everyone already knows what he has done.

It’s a horrible thing to have found out OP and your mind has probably gone into overdrive. Every bit of your being is geared to protect your child.
It might help to speak to someone neutral, the NSPCC would probably be a good place to start.

Be sure to have the PANTS chat with your kids and role play shouting NO & STOP if anyone makes them feel uncomfortable. We also talk about safe grown ups/people who make us feel safe, my daughter is 5 and its depressing to do but it’s important we start this type of protection going IMO.

There’s no likelihood of him abusing OP’s child or anyone else’s…you can guarantee this can you?

After all the people on here explaining how peadophiles can manipulate situations to their own advantage?

Thats a fair point - is it not conditional he can't be around kids?

What an uncomfortable situation, and yes, the poor child. Sad.

I'd go along and see what the situation is but obviously never leave your child unattended.

All those saying "surely he isn't allowed anywhere near children"? Please read the full thread, this has been asked and answered many times. It's not that simple.

Oh grow up and stop being contrary just for the sake of it. You know as well as I do that’s not what I said.

I think I would also approach the mother and say that the child is welcome with her but not the father.

I wouldn't want him to be seen as a 'safe' adult by my child.

I think you can start low key conversations now. I saw mentioned on here some weeks ago about the PANTS talk. I've been trying to get started discussing this with my 5 year old now he goes to playdates although I have to say it's been like talking to a sugar fuelled baboon so far.

Why is anyone calling for the OP (or anyone in a similar situation) to put their own personal thoughts on a literal paedophile to one side and just be vigilant as they are with anyone else?

Why is anyone expected to make allowances and tolerate this subhuman piece of shit, or ones like him?

Ostracise, shame, exclude. Don’t accommodate ffs. If that has a negative impact on the child, then maybe the dad should’ve reconsidered his deplorable actions. Or maybe the mum should’ve done what any decent person would and leave him.

why has he got any access to his own kids that’s what I would like to know. Don’t take any chances OP. Not a single chance. he deserves to be completed alienated. Just make sure you have your facts right. Poor child of his. Very sad.

Just be very careful with the woman too. I wouldn't be trusting her judgement as she is enabling this man.

Social services don't have the power to lock people up and throw away the key forevermore. Neither do the Police for that matter. Social services will have completed an assessment but unless they have evidence that he is a risk to his own children they do not have legal powers for preventing contact. As for other children, even with a SHPO (Sexual Harm Prevention Order) or Risk Order in place, children are everywhere in society so it's not realistic to prevent someone from ever being "near children", unless they're in prison.

I'd feel sorry for the child, but in no way would I want my own family mingling with a SO and pretending it's all normal and he's perfectly safe. The other mother is fooling herself if she thinks they can all be happy together again with no repercussions. Imo, she's not doing her child any favours by staying with a convicted SO. She can't expect others to trust that man with their children. It makes me question her judgement, as well.

I haven't RTFT so might have been discussed already.. but if that poor 4 year old child is excluded at all then first and foremost his awful father is to blame, but also the mother has brought this on to her own child by seemingly forgiving her partner and wanting to reintegrate him? How any woman can do that is beyond me.

You are entitled to feel however you want to feel about the safety of your own children, and only you know what that looks like. Your own children are your priority. So at the end of the day you can't let her child's feelings dictate what you're comfortable with. I really feel for the poor innocent child in all of this.
Personally, I wouldn't want this man even in the same room as my children. Knowing he's even looking at my children would turn my stomach tbh.

I know of a situation in my town where a man was convicted of something similar. His family were terrified as there are lots of little kids in the family. And while no evidence was found of a child being directly harmed, he had files and files of photographs of them just innocently playing, even that did something for him. So thats my reasoning for not even wanting a man like that in the same room as my children.

If you were ballsy enough you could always have a word with the mother and set your boundaries, say you want to include her child in your child's parties but you don't want his father present whatsoever. If that is what you want. She either likes it or lumps it, hopefully she puts her child first (for a change). If enough parents felt that way and said it I'm sure she'd get the message.

Why would the `DD be allowed to be in his sole custody if he’s on the sex offenders register ? The lengths some will go to excuse a parent not prioritising their child and kicking a paedophile out of their lives is breathtaking.