Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

Yep. I'd get the rage if he so much as even looked at my child and I wouldn't be able to stay quiet.

Like I said before too, I also really wouldn't want my child with someone who thinks it acceptable to enable a child sex offender. I wouldn't trust her judgement at all.

I’m just imaging hosting a party with our friends and family and someone like this man tried to walk to - even with his child. There is absolutely no way the parents would allow him over the door knowing what he has done. I can’t imagine standing there going oh look here’s the local sex offender and my child’s dad not losing his shit… and he’s not even a violent person! Surely if he came everyone else would either cause uproar or leave?

If he’s on the sex offenders register he will have conditions he HAS to abide by. If he doesn’t, he’s in breach of the order and will go to prison. Do a little bit of research and get clued up, make yourself feel a little easier about what’s right and wrong and then make yourself mind up from there.

THIS. Also history has taught us time and time again that we can't trust local social care provision and the police to get it right. Risk ratings incorrectly entered, departments not speaking to each other, family playing down the risk and impact at home.. lead to things being missed, assessments being wrong. I would not rely on any assessment to allow a KNOWN pedophile near my child.

This place is wild. Utterly insane.

If you know it's not the child's fault why are you punishing them? Just be there when bdays happen. Four years old for gods sake. If all the class patents behave like this he or she will be scarred for life.

It Is a difficult one. But, Understandably this man has & Is suitably monitored, And there's No Likelihood that he Abuse your Or Anyone's Child. For the sake of Any children, principly, put aside your natural aversions and just be Normally vigilant.

You’ve done something of a 180! Which is good because half hour ago you were saying you’d go to the party as you wouldn’t want the child to suffer and that the really dangerous people are the people that disguise themselves as good people

Please say you don’t have children?

It’s not “a difficult one” in the slightest

In fairness you don’t HAVE to throw a party for your child’s party, my daughter is 5 next week and has had 2 parties, my son is 10 and has never had one, he’s never wanted one we go on a day out for his birthday instead, he loves it, parties aren’t necessary, if the mum has one for his 4th (which he likely won’t remember) and she realises noones coming she should hopefully get the message and do something else going forward

In what fragment of the multiverse is a registered sex offender "zero risk"? If he were zero risk he wouldn't be on the bloody Sex Offender Register.

Convicted sex offenders should not get to attend children's parties. (That's before getting to how a lot have licence conditions saying they shouldn't be around children...)

Sorry am I missing something here. Wtf is a pedophile doing anywhere near any children, his own included?

Social services are vile for allowing that but I’m not even surprised atp anymore

Put aside your natural aversion to known paedophiles?

Stop it. That’s not a serious suggestion.

That is not the OPs priority- that is the priority of the child’s mother (let’s forget the sex offender dad).

The OZp (and other parents) need to prioritise their children by not normalising having the father or mother (who seems to want to bring in the Dad) in a child’s circle of familiar adults

I have changed my opinion, my first thought was for the poor kid, but having actually thought about it and read other people’s very valid points I do agree, and I wouldnt want a peadophile coming to my door and knowing where my children live regardless of my opinion on their birthday party, I wouldn’t want him dropping his child at my house

Who knew MN was so full of paedophile sympathisers.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whether this man is a risk to children or not.
It doesn’t matter whether he’s been rehabilitated or not.

All that matters is that he’s a convicted paedophile.

That alone is enough to never want him around you or your children. Ever.

If the mother doesn’t want her child ostracised then she needs to step back from this pervert and ensure that he is never near her daughter or any of her friends.

And the reality is that if OP invites the daughter to the party, then there’s a real risk that other parents won’t allow their children to go in case the paedophile father is there.

It’s not nice to think that the daughter is going to lose out, but she will unless the mother divorces this man and ensures that he is never anywhere near anywhere her daughter is.

Then maybe the child's mother shouldn't be enabling the father by allowing him to be around other people's children.
And what happens in 10 years time, when these children are 14 years old - prime age of attraction based on the limited information in the OP - what then? Your child has had 10 years of parties at this Dad's house. Knows them by name. They're not a stranger. You no longer attend parties with your child. Do you continue to allow your child to attend parties at their house, so the paedophile's child isn't left out? Do you suddenly stop allowing them and the paedophile's child is suddenly vilified for the actions of their father?
I just can't get my head around all the parents on here suggesting anything other than you, @springisspringing1 , needing to do everything in your power to keep your child safe. (Don't get me started on the idiot that called you "hysterical"!!!) Now and in the future! His poor child has a lifetime of shit to come because of the actions of his vile father. But your only job is to keep your own child safe. I'm sorry you have such an awful problem, and am sending you well wishes.

Most children are aware that they must only talk to, or ask for help from, a "Trusted Adult". If a child sees their parents let someone into their home for a party, and if they been to that person's home, they may well come to the conclusion that this person is a Trusted Adult, and behave accordingly. It's not something that's going to go away, until it is explained that this particular person is not an adult to be trusted... but 4yo is far too young to explain in a way that will make sense.
I think that making it politely but firmly clear to the friend's mother that this man is not welcome in your home is the only way.

That’s exactly it, isn’t it? OP would be ‘raising the risk’

i can’t understand why the mum still wants a friendship or whatever is going on with that man anyway. A peadophile is not a good father I don’t care what anyone says, My son dosnt see his dad anymore but when he did I hated every second of it because he was a domestic abuser, but I knew I didn’t have a leg to stand on because I had no physical evidence, this man is convicted! why would you encourage your child to still have a relationship with their dad who is a peadophile? Surely that would be a peice of cake decision in family court? Or maybe I’m wrong, and they would still grant custody, I wouldn’t put it past them tbh

And you know this how?????

That is an unfortunate consequence of the choices her parents have made.

What it isn’t, is OP’s problem. This child’s wellbeing is not more important to her than the safety of her own, and she isn’t obliged to put her children at risk to make this other child feel included.

Good lord some of the replies on here are astounding. OP I wouldn't let my child breathe the same air as this man , let alone at a kids party! He can have all the eyes on him ,watching his every move - but why on earth does anyone (not you OP!), think this is anyway acceptable?. I have worked with paedophiles for a long time. Sorry to be blunt but it's like putting a kid in a candy shop. He likes children. End of. And putting him a room full of them- he will think all his christmases have come at once. No excuses,doesn't matter who you offend, protect your kids!!

Because offenders definitely abide by any such conditions, and never commit serious crimes whilst being monitored. They never fall through the cracks, and the authorities never make mistakes.