Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

Your child needs to be the priority here and I wouldn't want them anywhere near the family, especially as it seems the mother has stayed close to him despite the fact that he's a child sex offender.

I wouldn't invite the child to my child's parties and I would decline any invites to the child's parties.

At that age you stay at a party with your child, just take them, keep a close eye on your child, it’s not an ideal situation but that poor child is going to be really messed up if everyone treats them like a lepar because they’re dads a nonce, like someone else said at least this one is a wolf in wolf’s clothing, there will be so many more disgusting as good people, that’s the real worry

I mean good point

I can totally see why you wouldn’t want a sex offender near your child. Under no circumstances would I want someone like that to be a familiar face.

if your child is playing in the park, he is no longer a stranger, If he said “Oh you know me I’m X’s dad I’ve dropped her at your house, you’ve seen me speaking to your mummy, would you like an ice cream”

No no no. I also wouldn’t trust the mum round my child, wanting to reintegrate someone who gets off looking sexual pictures of young kids and grooming them.

it’s up to the child’s mother to make sure she doesn’t suffer because of her Dad - not your problem. She clearly doesn’t give a shit! Have nothing to do with the family

Realistically, if he was convicted and on the offenders register then he will have stipulations that he has to agree with including no unsupervised contact with children and excluding himself from any situations like children’s parties etc. In all honestly he would be putting himself in a stupid situation if he was to attend and get himself into further trouble.

With all due respect, which is more than you are showing the OP by labelling her "hysterical" you cannot possibly state with truth this man could not have any contact with OP's or any other child in a busy social setting like a party for a whole bunch of 4 yr olds - he could well be sexually stimulated simply being there! Of course adults don't engage 4 year olds in deep conversation but initiating contact with the OP's child by waving, smiling, winking, combining her child with something his own child is doing, are all ploys to start connecting with a child, build a level of trust and familiarity that will be worked on - paedophiles are adept at playing the long game.

OP I'm with you, and I would go so far as to say he is not welcome to my house in any way, shape or form and you expect a guarantee that he will not be present when there is a gathering of children at his own house. Indeed, as another poster has said this may well be a term of probation/license etc. although how you check that I'm afraid I don't know.

If you know that this one is on the register though, why would you willingly take your child into a situation that they might be there?
You can't stay away from everyone "just in case" as that would be overly anxious and not healthy, but in this case when you know he is, why would you not eliminate the risk?

Would you really be happy walking your child into the house of a paedophile, and the woman who is supporting him, just so she can have some cake and a bit of a play?

Nope and I changed my opinion when I read more comments, it is true that they could be lurking anywhere but your both right, this one has a flashing beacon on his head, steer clear, my judgement was clouded slightly by empathy for the child in question but you are right, it’s not worth it.

Have you ever hosted a child’s birthday party, Gymmum82? I’d love to know your secret, if you’re somehow able to do it without spending the entire time flying around doing fifteen different things at once…

Indeed, as another poster has said this may well be a term of probation/license etc. although how you check that I'm afraid I don't know.
Find out if he will be there, then inform school safeguarding, Public Protection Unit of the police and the local probation service. The latter 2 can check the terms of his license, school will be interested to consider for safety at future events.

I won’t go into detail about what I think should happen to monsters like this but I can tell you spending time with them at a kids party is absolutely bottom of that list. I’d have no problem telling the mum that of course the innocent child is more than welcome but the father is to stay well away

To be clear - his offense was in the last few years? (As in, not a situation involving him as an older teenager and a younger, underage teenager?)

Fair dues… it’s incredibly rare to see a poster on here say ‘Nope, I’ve totally changed my opinion, I was wrong’ 😅 And I get the empathy for this child, my heart breaks for any poor child in this situation, but my child comes first above all else.

I think you maybe need to figure out the facts first OP. If this guy has actually been convicted of having IIOC and is on the sex offenders register then he will likely have very clear conditions that he must abide by.

Off the top of my head I would imagine he will be prohibited from being at any location with children under a certain age present.

If he still has contact with his own child, that is likely to also be heavily conditional.

If I were you, I would definitely still invite their child to my child’s party, but make it clear to mum that you don’t feel comfortable with dad being there and ask her to bring child. I would also go to their party, that poor child is going to have a hell of a time growing up.

I have a child the same age as yours and although age appropriate discussions should be considered, it’s easy to teach kids that age about “tricky people” as a concept rather than “stranger danger” and that nobody should be talking to them alone, nobody should tell them to keep secrets etc. helps them realise that even people they know aren’t always safe.

Ultimately, your child will come into contact with many paedophiles throughout their childhood, just most of them you’ll have no idea about…I’d argue that’s probably the ones you need to worry about more.

So far, @springisspringing1this is the most sensible person on here.
Call the police.
Explain who the offender is.
Ask if he’s even allowed to be around children.
That might solve a great many of your issues.

Not read the whole thread but no bloody way would he step a foot inside any party I hosted.

I’d be tempted to ask the other parents to have a united front on this.

He is a paedophile who watches images of children being abused. He should not be at children’s parties.

@ByDenimPombear totally agree with you. I am astounded by a lot of these comments.

How on earth do you know he’s zero risk? Looking at images of abuse is not something to be taken lightly, he has a perversion and children around him are at risk. He may have never acted on his urges but do you want to send your kid to his house to find out if he will?

He shouldn’t be there surely? I absolutely wouldn’t allow him anywhere near my child

Jesus Christ.

”Ultimately your child will come into contact with many pedophiles throughout their childhood, so don’t worry about any risks associated with exposing them to this one. That’s completely fine, and you know, being kind to this kid is way more important than the safety of your own”.

The unfortunate impact on this child is a consequence of the choices their parents have made. It isn’t OP’s responsibility to compensate for that by risking the safety of her own children.

And not just that...I wouldn't even want him looking at my child, never mind interacting with them. And kudos to you @springisspringing1 for thinking of his child, and the child's mother. No, his actions aren't her fault. But, she is facilitating him having further interaction with other children. That is her fault. It would be an absolute no from me! Don't invite them - you don't have to explain yourself. They know the reason. And if his poor child is affected by it then the child's mother needs to take a long, hard look at herself and her enabling behaviour.

In the end it’s not your job to be fair to another child by allowing your kids to potentially be in an unsavoury situation. I would be just about ok with him dropping their kid at the door but no way in hell would that man step foot in my home in a million years.

I can’t find who said it, but someone said he’s likely to have been cleared as safe to be around his own child, I don’t see how anyone could come to that conclusion? How could anyone who does that sort of thing be trusted with any child even their own?

Even then, I wouldn’t want him knowing where I live