Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

Exactly

neither myself and certainly not my child would have anything to do with the father, the mother AND the child outside of school.

AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too)

Your top priority is your child and their safety, not someone else's. You cannot take their childhood upon your own shoulders, at the possible cost or risk of your own child.

I'm afraid this involves the risk of being seen as disagreeable by some people, but you cannot let your life be dictated by that.

How have you established that he’s zero risk? If he’s zero risk then why is he on the register?

OP- I think you are absolutely right about being worried. Don’t go to these peoples homes and don’t invite them to your house- not worth the risk. Check with the police whether he is even allowed to be around children. Unfortunately, some women love protecting their pedo partners/husbands so she might be withholding information about this.

If your child sees him integrating with everyone else they'll think he's OK and a safe person. What happens later on if they come across him and still think he's safe. These ' people' never change and his wife is an enabler getting him near to potential future victims. Keep him and the wife well away from your child. She's questionable to allow him near any child.

The amount of people supporting the Paedo, is quite shocking to me!

I'm not suggesting that they are all of this ilk. Some are probably convinced of their own position, albeit I couldn't disagree more strongly and believe those people to be profoundly wrong.

Others are - what's the most diplomatic way of putting this? - 'mischievous' posters. I recognise certain names that have made a beeline for this kind of controversial thread before, and responded in a precisely similar vein. I don't know what they are hoping to gain from this, but I shan't be providing it by interacting with them in any way.

Watch the site for long enough, and you see it.

OMG THIS ⬆️ X 10000000000! Thank you for summing up the issue beautifully

Then his/ her mum could try to explain that he did a bad thing but she has chose to maintain a close relationship with him/ stay with him, and that is why. It might be less of a contentious issue if she had left him.

This is sensible.

I agree OP, that's exactly what a child abusers does. They groom not only the cild(ren) and often from a young age before they abuse - AND the parents and adults too, charming them as well.

It's not an overreaction and I would just not go to their party or invite the child to mine. I'm sorry for that man's child but their father fucked their life up, not me/OP.

I've been quite horrified by some of the responses on here and on other threads where the question of letting convicted paedophiles have contact with children is concerned.

If someone is a paedophile they are sexually attracted to children and in this case he has actually been convicted. There is no way I would have someone like this anywhere near my child.

Paedophilia is not like burglary. Someone who has been convicted is not suddenly going to stop being attracted to children and the fact that he has been caught is likely to make him more devious in the ways he interacts with them going forward.

There is no need to punish the child. All that needs to happen is that if there are any parties then this man is not allowed anywhere near them.

Those who have faith in the monitoring of this man and that he is being closely supervised are sadly very deluded.

OP YANBU at all!! Some of the replies on here are insane. There is no world in which I would have a convicted child abuser at a children's party or anywhere near my children or others in my care.

I am not a vigilante and know that people need to be reintegrated into society at some point but I am firm in my belief that I don't think child or sexual offenders can be rehabilitated, they are a danger for life and should be treated as such.

I’m late to this and haven’t read the whole thread but wanted to say (because it blows my mind that so many PPs have said the opposite).

Of course it’s ok not to invite a paedophile to your child’s 5th birthday party, I can’t believe anyone would say otherwise.

I think it’s a big red flag that he and the wife do not have the insight to realise that he should be well away from any interactions with children. To be honest I wouldn’t want either of them near my kid.

Sounds like you are worrying about a party which hasn't happened. Just speak to the mum in advance

There are some wild responses on here.

He wouldn't be coming anywhere near my child. I wouldn't be inviting the mother either, who is actively supporting a child molester.

It's not the same as children interacting with other men. You're obviously cautious there, but this man is a known offender. Once you have offended once, you're more likely to do it again.

It takes SECONDS for a back to be turned and someone to put their hand underneath a child's clothes. All it takes is someone being slightly distracted at a party. I don't know why anyone would invite a known paedo. I couldn't even bring myself to talk to him.

I feel sorry for the child, but your priority is to safeguard your own child.

YANBU, I'm absolutely appalled and disgusted. The mother is letting down this child not you. I would be making it clear that he wasn't to be near my house under any circumstances and if that is a problem then child cannot attend party.

I would unlikely attend the child's party if the father is there. Like the others have said it's making him an accepted and safe figure. He's a dangerous predator and that shouldn't be forgotten. Being on a list is meaningless it's up to us to protect our children and unfortunately the only way is by being vocal and not passive on this!

Me too.

Not my problem.

YNBU I think it is best to limit all contact, even with the child. Speaking from personal experience it is horrible to think of but entirely possible the dads own child has been sexually abused or introduced to sexual themes by the dad, given what has happened. That child could therefore, through no fault of their own, repeat those actions on your child through play. I just wouldn't risk any contact or even play dates or sleepovers between kids even with the child at yours. You can't ever protect your children against all risks of course but in this scenario you can because you're aware of the risk of the dad. Don't listen to other people who seem to think the other parent and child's feelings are more important than the safety of your child and own peace of mind.

From a professional background as someone who works closely with registered sex offenders, he should be going through a safeguarding process/assessment to have contact with his own child. If you believe he is coming into contact with other children then this also needs to be risk assessed by social care. If you are concerned I would encourage you to contact your safeguarding lead at the school.

The child’s mother needs to put the child’s needs first. By inviting the sex offender to a party, she is putting his needs first. Is there anyway you can find out whether he is allowed to be in a room full of children? I wouldn’t take my child unless he wasn’t there.

This is my exact feeling. My stbxh did similar and he was gone from my life immediately. However, it's not always so simple to remove them from their kids lives. So the child's mother might be trying her best to navigate a horrific situation where she can't refuse to coparent and is trying to make the best of it.

My main concern when things happened was the impact on my child and I had the means to move him far away from his dad - she may not have had the same means and living in a small community I can see why she'd want him reintegrated for her own child's sake because of the stigma. I would also say that a huge amount of the online supports available to partners who's spouse has done this is heavily weighted towards them staying in the relationship. And from personal experience I lost just as much by leaving as I would have by staying. Its a horrific situation for the family who have done nothing wrong.

So I wouldn't want him around my kid, but I also wouldn't want to exclude a 4yo. I would invite her but I'd actually try to be direct and say that her and her child - just the two of them- are very welcome.

This is what I would do. I'd be completely clear to the mother that you don't want to exclude her child but you will not tolerate the child's father coming to your house or interacting with your child. Yes, it's difficult for her but she has a choice to make here too - standing by him will have repercussions for the whole family.

That’s appalling and I’d venture outwith their powers. Since when do the police make sure everyone is being given a fair chance to rehabilitate?! Armed they driving people to speed awareness courses and diffusing arguments with people on anger management?

Did they imply you might be charged with something if you continued? If so, what crime would you be committing by making public knowledge public?

I would be as blunt. Poor woman, well only if she kicked him out. If they're still a couple that's not great.