Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

I would be happy to be that person.
If the family of the little boy can't assure me that my DS would be safe then I would be steering well clear.
From the looks of this thread though, quite a few would be fine with it, so the little boy will have plenty of friends.

Some on here need to give their head a bloody wobble. My child would not be going to a party where a known sex offender was present and neither would he be welcome on my doorstep or in my house.

Those of you who think that people who are on the sex offenders register are monitored - you couldn’t be more wrong. My brother was on the sex offenders register for abusing his own 4 year old daughter. He just went about his daily life with no monitoring or restrictions. He stayed at my parents whilst my Nephew was there over-night, got a new girlfriend who had children and travelled freely to places like Cambodia, Vietnam and Thailand.

None of the family knew he was on the sex offenders register, even after he told us (years later) what he did to his own daughter. To this day, they don’t know he was on the register.

If you know someone is on the register and is a risk to children, you do everything in your power to ensure they never have access to your own children - no matter who’s feelings you hurt.

If my child wanted to go to the party I would let them but stay very close all the way through.

If the man is there, I would keep a close eye on him all through too.

If he was there, I’d be contacting the police and SS, surely eh shouldn’t be back this close to Children?

Report her to the police

Haha yep! Kindness and inclusion are the most important things!

Grim. Someone should be checking their electronics.

PLEASE don’t allow this ‘man’ anywhere near your children! His, his wife and his children’s feelings are not your responsibility, your children’s safety is!

If he is on the Sex Offenders Register he will most likely have restrictions on contact with children, please check with your local police, and the school as pps have said. This is really important, please don’t assume someone else will do it.

I am gobsmacked the amount of people on here who would willingly and KNOWINGLY let their child be in the presence of a CONVICTED child sex offender. I do not care on the situation or location, it happens. Regardless of other adults being present, and whether he would have actual contact with my children, I don’t care, just the thought of him being around and thinking about all of those children is sickening, and anyone who is not angered by a child sex offender at a children’s party needs to give their head a wobble.

Before anyone says, I went through years of abuse as a child, and this involved grooming, so yes I know from experience how under the radar they fly.

Even without the children, I wouldn’t want to be near that ‘man’.. and to be honest, he wouldn’t want to be in a room with me either so..

OP, the best way I can suggest to explain the situation to your children is to tell them it’s your job to keep them safe, and unfortunately that ‘man’ is not a safe person for them to be around. If the mum has a problem with it then she also needs to rethink her decisions.

It’s a terrible situation but it’s got to be done, you would never forgive yourself, believe me. Best of luck lovely.

Don't be that person that prevents a little boy from having friends because if something his father did.

hands up in that person
and I’m utterly at peace with that

It's horrifying and is making me question how I think about play dates etc.

I wouldn't be letting a paedophile near anyone's child, not just my own. The whole "well keep an eye on your child" attitude stinks. What are you going to do when he uses the toilet? Round up all the kids and make sure none are in their with him? Or is it fine as long as it isn't your own DC?

I think you have to make it clear to the mum that the dad can’t come to your house except to drop off at a party (but not stay). No playdates at their house (always host), and if party invite your child can go if he’s not present and mum confirms in advance. Grooming, predatory behaviour…all real risks I’m afraid.

You’re joking??! As if these people can be rehabilitated!
Sorry OP I wouldn’t even allow the mother at my door. I can’t get my head around women who entertain these perverts they sicken me.
Pp saying she might be staying with him to keep her kid safe seriously! Staying with a pervert does not keep a kid safe ffs far from it, and it’s obviously not the reason this woman is still with him.

so you would go to the party
stay at the party if he’s there
and then when you leave contact the police?

I think there is only one way to handle it and that is to be direct with the mother. The sooner she realises that multiple people feel this way and ends the attempt to reintegrate this man, the better. Her child can be included as they deserve if she handles this right, but if she insists on sending a registered sex offender to kids parties then it will be on her.

Be cautious about labelling other people safe in comparison, you never know,

I feel like I’ve stepped into a parallel universe here.

Why is anyone even entertaining their kid being around a sex offender, for any length of time.

I know someone who got to know a schoolfriend’s father like this, minimally, through parties and school events. When she was 13 she bumped into him and he offered her a lift home, which she accepted because he was Louise from primary school’s dad and therefore safe. Instead he drove her to an empty house and held her there for hours.

There are some crimes where you can presume the possibility of rehabilitation and no further offending. The ones that this man was convicted of are not those, you have to presume he will reoffend given the opportunity and keep your child safe.

I agree with the person who said the police should be contacted, given the possibility he may come to children's parties. If another parent saw him there, that parent might take the law into their own hands, and no child should have to witness violence.

I doubt very much that the nonce dad would be allowed, as part of his sex offender register conditions to drop his son off at the party.
The mum probably has an agreement with S.S that dad must be constantly supervised around his son.

I don't understand how the mum has stuck by nonce dad.

I haven’t read through the whole thread but I’m surprised by all of the “YABU, his Dad won’t even talk to your child” comments

Would I fuck be letting a convicted paedophile come to my child’s birthday party.
I would be happy to invite the child as they’re only little and it isn’t their fault but their invitation would be hand delivered to the mother with specific instructions of “father of X is not to attend the party”. I’d be absolutely confident in standing my ground on that if questioned by the mother or anybody else in the community.

But the dad does not need to attend does he.
I would personally distance myself from the mother too as much as possible

Fuck that’s terrifying. This is the problem, they’re so good at grooming everyone, not just children, that this can be the result. You just can’t ever be too careful. How horrific.

I know right???
I have doubts of the mother being wholly innocent if she is trying to carry on as if nothing has happened

Quite. I can protect my own child. I can't protect other people's, nor override the decision of this poor boy's own mother to expose him - and by proxy the children around him - to a convicted sex offender. No matter that he is the child's father.

The accusations that such a stance is mean to the child, or taking our 'responsibilities' to other people's children less seriously, are asinine and some are very probably not made in good faith.

As for the other suggestions of 'vigilantism', these people need to tone down the histrionics. What posters are advocating here is vigilence and a caution to OP to keep her child protected and away from a known sex offender. They're not suggesting that all the local parents rock up on his doorstep with pitch forks.

He will know your child from a very young age in ten years time he will be a familiar face "need a lift" "need a hand" "fancy a drink/smoke" "don't worry I won't tell your mom" "our little secret" she will be right in his target range

I personally know of a man who used his daughter as bait for her friends he was given guidelines for being in the community one was he needed to tell the police if he got a car he didn't and got caught with a 15 year old in there got another suspended sentence then his "friend" turned 16 and the police washed their hands of it

To be honest anyone who welcomed a sex offender back into their life, and their children’s lives, isn’t welcome in my “circle” anyway.

I wouldn't want the man anywhere near my child either but I also wouldn't exclude the child. I would make it clear that the child can only come if the dad doesn't. The mum needs a wake-up call.